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I’ve created a monster

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by staticinmyattic, Aug 26, 2021.

  1. staticinmyattic

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    I’ve known that something was wrong with me as long as I remember, and I’ve known that something was my gender since I first grasped the concept. I’ve also known that it’s a scary place for a trans girl, so this became my big secret. Im an over-sharer (maybe to compensate for the gravity of my deception) so this was really hard. Measures had to be taken. So, my inner voice got mean. I mean, real mean. Abusive, destructive, violent mean. For decades I lulled myself to sleep with narratives of my body being utterly, violently destroyed. When awake, cruel and hateful admonitions played in my head on a loop. I was not aware that I was building up a big manly suit of armor. When I acted at all feminine, I’d rip myself to shreds from the inside out. All to keep my gender as far back in the dark as possible. The “me” that people like and love is a wonderful woman, operating undercover as a man (my natural biology has provided me with an incredibly convincing disguise). They don’t know it’s a woman they like. Everything good about me, every moment I’ve been unguarded, true, and happy, was a moment when the armor failed and I got out for a second. It’s happening more and more. People are seeing a happier me. That’s good. I look better and am physically healthy. Also good. Or at least it was. Then I figured it out: when I relax and admit that feeling, acting, or even being feminine is ok, the evil in my head goes away. Not entirely, but close. It sounds like a radio in another room getting crap reception. I hear it, but I know it’s a recording, a habit. I can just be a person, not an actor or fake, but me. People love me when I’m me. But as soon as it begins to dawn on my WHY just being me feels so good, I lock myself up again. I want to throw away the armor and say to hell with artifice and affect. I don’t fear being a trans woman not passing as a cis woman because I’m just sick and tired of being a trans woman trying to pass as a cis man.
     
  2. tidalpool127

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    Hey there. I am so sorry you are hurting. I'm not trans but as a young gay boy I got a lot of crap thrown at me by peers and family any time I acted "too feminine"(whatever that means) so I know what it is to start policing yourself. Here's the thing though...the title of your thread. While the voice in your head is you, you didn't create it. Other people telling us we were wrong for being ourselves created it. And they may say they did it because they care about us or want to keep us safe but I've found in reality it's because people want you to fit into a comfortable little box for them. But what about you're comfort? It sounds like the real you is crying out to be seen. Is there anyone you can safely come out to? I'm not trying to rush you but if you can safely be your real self around someone else I think it will help. If not, then just be the woman you were born to be here. I think if you can allow yourself to be who you really are more; then it will start to get that monster that other people put in you to shut up.
     
  3. staticinmyattic

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    Thank you. No kidding, I just spent an hour spilling my guts on this thing, told the whole insane story, cried a bunch of times, and felt major catharsis. Then I went to post, and I lost the whole thing because of a browser error. Sorry you didn’t get to read my autobiography. Maybe it’s for the best.

    Short version: came out to wife. She was surprisingly receptive. All doubt and denial that I’m trans disappeared when I felt miraculous joy at taking the first steps. Marriage became briefly much stronger. Then much worse as the reality set in. So I climbed right back in the closet. Wife felt terrible about that. Convinced her that I’m not in the closet because I never was to begin with, because denying that I’m trans is the one skill I’ve worked hardest at developing. Now we’re back to me just being a garden variety depressed man
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    Welcome to EC.

    I have also experienced much of what you are going through. I was raised in an extremist congregation and by very conservative parents and programmed to hate myself for who I really am without them really understanding who I am and that what they were teaching me was very hateful. I first came out in my mid twenties but like you because of relationship forced myself back into the closet. It is a terrible thing to have to deny who we are, I hope that eventually you are able to find the strength to live as your true self.
     
  5. Richelle1

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    I can relate. When I'm "Richelle" I'm happy and I'm looking great and feeling better for a person of my age than i could ever imagine. I have always been gay but I'm just now accepting that I am. But there's a part of me that says go back to normal you don't want this. This is not for you. Today I needed some reading glasses so I bought some men's glasses but also bought some women's glasses. I'm buying women's jeans a wig and I'm slowly seeing a little bit of cleavage. I now look at women's tits and I never did before. I love it when a guy thinks I have a nice body. I often say to myself stop before someone figures it out. But I can't help myself I want more but at the same time, I don't want to lose the great life I have now.
     
  6. staticinmyattic

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    I just have to say how crazy it is to go from being in complete lockdown about this, to being shown kindness and support from strangers. I know doesn’t look like a big deal from the outside, but for me it’s a sea change. I’m only seeing the extent to which i
    I’m really sorry you got bit by religion. I don’t know how, but one of the many “things I’ve just always known” is that I must tread cautiously in the company of Christ’s flock. Not to say the flock isn’t chockablock with loving souls, but it’s always felt booby-trapped to me. It’s funny, my attitude about religion softened a great deal later on. But perhaps this is a discussion for another forum. Thanks for the kindness, you’ve given some comfort to a very confused and frightened woman.
     
  7. staticinmyattic

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    Sorry for the sloppy post/posting something I meant to delete. Can’t find an edit button. I’m laughing at myself right now, literally everything feels new right now, like I’m doing it for the first time. Wonder if this is what a do-over would feel like.
     
  8. staticinmyattic

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    Welcome to the world of staring at chests! I don’t know how I would feel on hormones, but I’ve always been attracted exclusively to women and can only imagine that staying the same were my body to match my spirit. When I think how I would want to dress and style myself, it’s easy, I want to be your friendly neighborhood trans lesbian, quick with a joke and light of your smoke. I finished reading She’s Not There by Jenny Boylan yesterday, she wrote about breast becoming no big deal once she had her own. Turning the volume down on how existentially vital breasts are (and sex in general) sounds so appealing.
     
  9. tidalpool127

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    Wow, you are very brave. Even if coming out didn't go exactly as planned it still took a lot of guts to even attempt it. Look, I'm not very open about it IRL but while I feel 100% male I still like to do certain things to express myself and express femininity. Forms of cross-dressing and such. Even other gay men can consider these things weird and so I have struggled greatly to bring these things up with my husband. I too have received push back from my spouse so I know a bit how that feels. I say a bit because it's just a form of expression and not part of my core identity like it is for trans people, I get that, not trying to be disrespectful. I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I had more advice. Do you have any trans or otherwise lgbtq people you know in real life? Maybe they could be helpful to talk to? If not does your town have an lgbtq community center? Mine does and though it would be scary to go in if closted, COVID has made it so they do virtual support sessions now. Or you could find a lgbtq friendly therapist?
     
  10. staticinmyattic

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    Well I have you don’t I? I’m starting with a gender therapist Tuesday. Between depression, marriage, kids, and just getting older, my friends are all in the wind. Instead I have my wife’s friend’s husbands to socialize with. Great people. Not coming out first-responders though. In all honesty, transphobia isn’t the problem. I’m surrounded by people who either wouldn’t care or would support me. Maybe not support, but certainly not oppose. My wife and I have committed to each other, and have committed to not making our children into children of divorce like we both are. That’s just as much part of who I am as being a woman. Hell, I think being a woman has a lot to do with it. Back in college, I almost my whole friend group was lgbt. I miss the hell out of them, and deeply regret not opening myself up to them when I had the chance. I knew I was part of their tribe, I knew they’d welcome me, but I was just too scared to join.
     
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  11. tidalpool127

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    Yes, you do have me, amiga. I understand, it can be hard to make friends as an adult. It is also scary to come out, even to people we know would be friendly. We may know for a long time about our true selves but when you have always presented yourself a certain way to the world it is hard to rip off that band-aid. Congrats about the therapy, I think it will help. I start therapy for my own box of issues next week as well. Hey,I also saw you quote the Smashing Pumpkins in one of your other posts so yes, we can definitely be friends.