Hello...I just came out back in July and I don't know what think/do. I'm 47 years old and will be divorced soon. I've been married 22 years and never cheated on my wife. I had been with guys before I was married but not since. I'm not a very social person so it's been very hard getting back out there trying to meet people. When I do meet up with people in social groups I am so far behind where they are. They've been out for years and know people and I feel left out. There's been a lot of issues because of coming out that made life difficult. Most of my family aren't speaking to me right now and the few friends I do have don't understand. I don't regret coming out but sometimes feel that I waited to long. Any advice/suggestions?
It can be challenging when you're not a particularly social person. I found a church-based group in my area that was very helpful and a lot more low-ley than going to bars or bigger social gatherings, and it was a great place to meet people. There are internet groups as well; I tend to be very awkward in person but chatting with someone allowed us to get to know each other, and when we eventually did meet in person it was that much more amazing. If I were to give any basic advice, I would say get to know and understand who you are and what you want and don't want, and then be as open as possible about it. You're not required to reinvent yourself or push the envelope in any way. I was married for 20 years as well, and never cheated either (although I don't include internet porn in that, and perhaps I should). I never felt like being gay meant I had to get as much sex with as many people as possible, and I suspect you may feel the same. But having a clear understanding and acceptance of myself - both good and bad qualities - with a certain degree of rather clueless naivete, made me very appealing to the right person, and we've been together for 7 years now. When I was still looking for MISS Right many years ago, my mom's sage advice was to "think about the person you would like to meet, and go where you think she would hang out". It worked reasonably well for my straight marriage (and we are still friends) and it's probably a good piece of advice in general. Be yourself. Your friends may eventually come around too. Some of mine have, and you will also discover that there are people you really don't expect who will turn out to be great allies. Good luck.
After reading what you wrote I feel that building a life for myself is possible. I never thought about a church based group and I love that idea. As with you it's not so much about sex but more about getting to know people. Your comment about where to meet people is a great idea as well. I will definitely try your suggestions. Thank You so much for your advise.
Good luck. And I commend your bravery. For me, a big stepping stone was attending some meetings at the local gay center. Of course, this was in Southern California, so the environment may well be different. As someone coming out late in life (I was divorced, 58 and with three adult kids!), I erroneously presumed I couldn't ever be a "good enough" gay man. But just the opposite was true. While I was always judging myself in my head, the long-time out gay men I met at the center were so accepting ... to the point of being nonchalant! A few months of that kind of camaraderie did me a world of good. First, I turned into something of a dating machine.And then I met my partner with whom I've now been together almost three years. Believe me ... it can really happen!
Shoun.....I don't think that there is really any age that is too late. If it makes you feel better, I came out here on Empty Closets in December of 2014 when I 64 years old! The years since then have been some of the best in my life. Having finally accepted that I am and always have been gay has made my life so much easier. The guilt, shame and depression that hiding the real me caused are gone now and I am so much more relaxed. I enjoy life so much more. I do wish I'd come out sooner...but I'm very glad that I did come out when I did even if I was 64 when I did it. So enjoy the life that you have now...the life of the real you! .....David
