My husband continues to visit his family in another state without me, or he will have me stay at the hotel so no one knows I’m there. He has only told 2 people recently in his family that he is gay. And only 1 of them knows we are married. The other one, his dad, does not accept that he is gay, and does not acknowledge it at all. Because of this, he is afraid to tell anyone else in his family about him or me. He has been out for over 25 years with friends and coworkers. He continues to visit his family without me. He has been completely accepted by my family, even though I just came out a little over 3 years ago. My kids even acknowledge him as their step dad. My family knows that I would never attend anything that he was not welcome to, but he refuses to even tell his family about me. Am I over reacting when I tell him that this is no longer ok with me? That this hurts that he denies the part of his life that I am in as if he was ashamed of it, and therefore me? That he wants to go to a family reunion in a couple weeks, but without me, his husband of over 3 years, because he is too afraid to come out to them?
Welcome to EC. I do not think that you are being picky, in fact I think that you are being too patient. At a minimum I would never go on the trip with him just to stay in a hotel while he visits with his known homophobic family. In my previous marriage I refused to visit my mother-in-law with my then husband due to her treatment of both them and myself.
Thank you for your response. Yesterday he came to me and said he was going to go to his family reunion in a couple weeks. He wanted me to know that he will be gone all day on that Saturday, but that he is not staying down there that night. He thinks that makes me feel better, or makes it ok. I would never go to any family function without him, and he knows that. Only 2 people in his family even know he’s gay, and only one knows we are married. Every time he says he is going to come out to the rest of his family, he always comes up with a reason he needs to wait. Mostly bullshit reasons. I do my best not to belittle him, but at this point, I feel like he is being a coward. I mean, he has been out of the closet socially and at work for over 25 years. I just came out six years ago, and within 2 years, I was completely out to everyone…work, family, and friends. We have been married for over three years, and I feel like he is keeping me in his closet, and I don’t like it.
Everyone should be allowed to choose when they will come out. He made the decision to not tell his family years ago (you have said that he has been out other than family for 25 years). I am assuming that you also knew this when you married him. Many people get into relationships with the assumption that their partner is going to change, this is a bad assumption. Given that he has kept this arrangement of being out to some but not to family for so many years it seems to me that it is unlikely that he is going to change. You have to decide what you are willing to accept and what will be best for you.
When we got together, I was not out at all. I supported him not coming out until he was ready, even when his best friend ca Before we even got engaged, his plan was to finally come out to his family when he found the right person. He came out to his dad, which did not go well, but better than he expected. Then he came out to his brother, which went extremely well. Then we got married, and he will constantly talk about telling the rest of his family, which are not immediate family. He has always said he was going to, I never pushed it. But after a while, I had to tell him that I didn’t find it acceptable to spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, or even Father’s Day without him. Now he celebrates Holidays with his family before the holiday. He is the one who makes these “coming out” plans, but always chickens out of them. The only people in his family who don’t know he’s gay now, are extended family he has said numerous times that he doesn’t care how they react. Yet he continues to hide me and our relationship. I am at the point where his lack of fulfilling promises he already made to me, that were based on his plans from before me, are what is damaging our relationship, and now I am considering whether or not I can live like this much longer.
I don't think you're overreacting. Have you had a conversation yet where you talk about how this makes you feel? Are there small steps that he could take to help you and himself? I think he might need to consider a change of plans. Would he be able to meet up with his family in smaller groups, in a situation with less pressure than a formal holiday? Would he be okay with introducing you one-on-one or in small groups to his family, even if it's just his brother? I'm coming at this a bit from your husband's perspective, because my wife of three years hasn't met most of my family by design but, with a few exceptions, they do know that I'm married to her. I can understand the terror of telling your family something that might completely change the way they see you. There's also a point at which you've been closeted for so long that the anxiety compounds. You're not just terrified of people being upset over your coming out, but also upset that you've waited so long to tell them, that you've done something as socially huge as getting married without a word to anyone. I'm still not sure if my family knows how long I've been married, because I came out about my sexuality and my relationship when I was already engaged and then hid my engagement until I was nearly married and then eloped without a word.
My husband is not out to his family. It is not a major issue for me as they live on the other side of the planet (in Vietnam). He says he will come out eventually and I am okay with that as I remember how difficult it was for me to do the same thing and I live in a (now) much more liberal country.
I think you're over-reacting to this. Who knows what the situation is with his family. You have even admitted that you've never met them and perhaps he understands that his gay relationship may cause tension between him and his family. It shouldn't do that, it should be accepted but not everyone is born into a family that is accepting and supportive in every way imaginable. He could be in a very precarious position when interfacing with his family members. I wouldn't assume either that he hasn't come out to his family because he's ashamed of you. If he was ashamed of being gay would he be open with his friends and coworkers? Probably not. Also, some families are just plain dysfunctional and I completely understand someone not wanting to introduce their partner to their family at all while at the same time not wanting to completely cut ties with them. I advise you to talk to him about this before jumping to any conclusions.
J.....Since the two of you are married I do think that this is a significant issue. We can all understand the fear of rejection that is part of coming out to your family as we have all gone through it - well most of us anyway! This situation in your marriage is already a rather large issue between the two of you and it's only going to get worse. Now is past the time to find a marriage counselor or a therapist for both of you to sit down with and have some very serious conversations. It's obvious that your husband needs help to overcome the fear he has of coming out to his family. I would imagine that, even under the best of circumstances, you have also started to build up a sense of anger and rejection over this issue. Unless an intervention takes place, and that reasonably soon, this problem will likely blowup to the detriment of your marriage and both of you. As you love him you need to insist that the two of you have this talk(s) with a professional. I think that the time of just the two of you discussing it together is past as it sounds like excuses have been made and that they have done no good. If you truly love him and value your marriage, I encourage you to arrange to see a therapist as soon as you can. Remember that you both are part of our LGBTQIA+ Family and that we do care! Please keep us updated on how this all works out! .....David
