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Confused

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Cokezero, Aug 12, 2021.

  1. Cokezero

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    Hello,
    I am new here. I am 42 years old married and have beautiful family. Wife lost interest in sex after kids so sex is like once a year. I have been outside with women (paid), men and trans. Enjoyed with all of them. But I think prefer women. I am very active and still use my hand 2-3 times a day. So what am I? And it’s my little secret which no one knows and can’t even think of telling anyone. What should I do? Need help please. Not even sure what I am looking for. thanks
     
  2. Cokezero

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    I was going through other post so just realized that I am not the only one as So many of us don’t enjoy sexual life but we want to enjoy. So going out and having sex, is it bad? Am I cheating on my wife? But on other side I also think I go out only for the thing what I don’t get in my house. I love my wife and cant leave her.
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    Unless you have an explicit agreement that allows you to have sex outside of the marriage then yes you are cheating by having sex with other people whether you pay them or not. If you are referring to the masturbating, no that is not cheating.

    Your location is listed as Vancouver. I am going to assume that this is the Vancouver that is in Canada. Canada does not have slavery and does allow for divorce. Thus, you can get out of this marriage. It is up to you to decide what path you want to take in your life. Many times in my life I have stayed in bad situations simply because getting out seemed too difficult, it was a choice every time.
     
  4. Phantom077

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    I agree with QuietPeace, and OP I really think you should try to rekindle the fires of passion with your wife and have intercourse more often. Try different things, role-playing, BDSM, anything that you and her could be into because a relationship without physical engagement is, if anything, leaving a lot to be desired between you too. You need to tell her what's going on with you. If you really love her, you should be willing to be open and honest with her about all things.
     
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  5. Cokezero

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    Thank you so much for replying, I did spoke to my wife about having better sex life she says yes wants but nothing happens. Divorce is not easy due to kids. I will keep trying. and yes I am from Vancouver.
    Question came in my mind: if going out is cheating then what one is suppose to do when divorce or walking out of relationship is not possibl, one should always suffer?
    please advice.
    Thanks
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Hey have you tried couples therapy? Do you and your wife generally talk openly about everything?
     
  7. Phantom077

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    Try being more forward about it than just asking her if she would like to have sex more often. Maybe she wants you to be more assertive about it, some people really like that. I was with someone who was never willing to be assertive in bed and it was kind of a turn-off for me and it left us rarely ever having sex. She may just want you to want her that much, ya know? By doing this you're putting the ball in her court. And if she rebuffs every attempt you make then ask her why she's doing that. This is a way to move the conversation forward on this topic. I hope this helps.
     
  8. QuietPeace

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    Cheating is cheating, either accept that you are cheating or accept that divorce is possible. If you are staying in the marriage "for the children" you need to realize that children are better off with two parents who are not married and who are each learning to be happy on their own than they are with two parents together who are miserable in a bad marriage. Staying in a bad marriage also teaches them terrible things about relationships. (just so you know, I have stayed in a marriage because it felt that I could not get out of it, the children were badly hurt by our staying together and they don't talk to me at all anymore)
     
    #8 QuietPeace, Aug 13, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2021
  9. Chip

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    Look at it this way: For most healthy marriages, each person is the love of the other's life. This is the person they've chosen above everyone else to put their trust and faith in. They love and believe in you and would never do anything intentionally to hurt you.

    So let's assume for a moment that your wife loves and cares about you and trusts you more than anyone else, and believes you are faithful to her. Probably a reasonable assumption. Now... let's assume your roles were reversed, and you love your wife more than anyone, trust her, believe she's being honest with you, and that she would never do anything to hurt you or betray your trust.

    How would you feel to find out that she's been cheating with dozens of people, men and women, including prostitutes, and that she's really enjoyed it? My guess is that it would crush her, which is probably why you haven't told her.

    With that said, can you credibly make the argument that your behavior is justified? Or is it really just your own selfishness that's putting your needs in front of the person that you promised to love, honor and cherish for the rest of your life?

    And this isn't even considering the possibility of STIs. Even if you are using condoms all the time (are you?), it's still possible to get gonorrhea, syphilis, or chlamydia via oral contact. And condoms are not 100% protective against HIV. It's unbelievably selfish to be putting your wife at risk (even if it's only once or twice a year) without letting her know.

    From my perspective, the most basic foundation of any marriage is authenticity. If the two people cannot be honest with each other, cannot be open, cannot maintain a relationship where nothing is hidden... then, really, everything else is a sham.

    I don't mean to be harsh, but, really, what you are describing sounds unbelievably self-centered. Like basically the only thing that really matters is your sex drive, and the fact that you have a high sex drive and your wife isn't that interested in sex somehow justifies going behind her back, apparently for a long time.

    I really invite you to think about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed. My guess is, you'd feel pretty shitty. If that's the case... then perhaps you should consider doing something about it. Getting into therapy would be a start. Being honest with her would be an even bigger step, but to do that means you might lose your sweet deal that, at the moment, has no consequences for you (outside of STIs).

    There's nothing wrong with questioning one's sexual attraction. But if one is married or in a committed relationship, one absolutely owes honest conversation and complete authenticity to their partner, and agreement about the arrangmeents before doing so
     
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  10. SteveBi45

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    I’ve had long periods in my marriage were we’ve had no sex, especially when our kids were newborns and you simply have no energy.

    But, we talked about it as a couple. My wife often joked that she would pay for a prostitute for me, but it was never serious and not something I was interested in. Our kids are still relatively young, so our sex life is still less than we both want it to be, but two things help - first, we talk about it and we show each other affection in other ways as much as possible. Secondly, we plan small trips away without the kids when we have family to take them, so we do get time together.

    Going out and having sex outside the marriage is never an option for me. If you’re not getting what you need from a relationship, sexual or otherwise, you need to be honest with your partner and let them know what your needs are. If, after that, you still feel your partner isn’t willing to consider your needs seriously, then go to a therapist to do everything you can to save the marriage, especially when there are kids involved.

    If after all of that you are still not happy, then consider divorce, knowing you’ve done everything you can to try to save it.

    I agree with others, staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids is not helping anyone.
     
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  11. Chip

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    I didn't touch on the above issue, but it is super important. If the marriage is unhappy or loveless, the kids will know. They have a sixth sense. So staying in the marriage solely for their sake is actually going to open them up to more problems. If you can't save the marriage, then at least your kids get to see how responsible adults handle challenging situations and learn that there are effective coping strategies and behaviors they can use if things aren't working.
     
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  12. DavidDublin

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    Yeah. Kids pick up on more than you realise.

    Honesty is important. You need to decide on the kind of marriage you want (open or not) and agree on it. If you can't agree then separation may be the best option.