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Struggling with sexuality [Confused and in need of help]

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Ron961, Aug 5, 2021.

  1. Ron961

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    Hi members,

    I just signed up and this is actually my first post on the forum. Looking forward to meeting you all.

    The problem is that I have had gay feelings and sexual urges and fantasies since I was a teenager. When I was 21 I had my first gay sexual experience. Since that day I have been dating men in secret (through apps, internet, or in parks etc.) without the rest of the world (that is: family, friends and girlfriends) knowing. I have lived a double life which is terribly exhausting.

    Now, I have been in several heterosexual relationships over the past years. Since two years I have been in a relationship with a woman I thoroughly love and that ticks all my boxes; it's just the way I always imagined. Especially the first few months the love was really intense and I was madly in love with her. I still am, but obviously the butterflies eventually fly away. Although I still love her very much.

    The problem is that lately I have had a lot of (obsessive) thoughts and fantasies about sex with men. I want to point out that in the 2 years I am with her I haven't had any sexual encounters with men because I want to stay loyal to her. But because of this there are days when I wake up thinking about gay sex and gay life and go to bed with the thoughts as well. I am really confused here and I am really struggling with who I am and what my sexual orientation is.

    E.g. I like having sex with women but a penis turns me on as well. I rather watch straight porn (although I identify with the woman more) than watching gay porn. I also think women are cleaner and more beautiful then men, but yet like the idea of being dominated by a guy in bed. All this is really confusing. My girlfriend (fiancee, getting married next year) knows about most of my fantasies (she caught me having contact with trans prostitutes online and therefore had to confess everything).
    Still I love my fiancee and we are happy together, but for some reason I am not fully satisfied. I haven't tried a romantic relationship with a man yet and maybe life is easer if I identify and come out as a gay man. But there's so much in stake and I'm afraid of making a mistake and losing my fiancee forever. But then again I want to be fully happy and fully accept myself too.

    Does anyone recognize my situation ? Maybe you have been in hetero relationships or were married to a women and recognize the struggle? I'd love to get in touch with you.
     
  2. KipR

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    Hi Ron931,

    Your description of your struggle with sexuality has struck a cord with me. I to had my first sexual experience with a male and from that point I have struggled to understand and accept myself as who and what I am. I think about being with another man daily, but am in a relationship with a woman who I desire and care for deeply.

    The work it takes to stay loyal (because I truly want to, not to fit a "mold' that I have cast myself in) is very real.

    Feel free to reach out if you want.
     
  3. DecentOne

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    Welcome to Empty Closets Ron961,

    I am married, our kids are grown now. A little over three years ago I was fantasizing about guys all the time - that had replaced women. I figured out I was bisexual. I told my wife. I’m glad I did, as I like being out. I am not acting on my fantasies, and indeed I never had an experience with a guy (other than crushing).

    You say your fiancé knows. That is extremely important … and please double-check: I’ve heard many stories of guys who thought their girlfriend/fiancé/wife knew, but she put it aside in her mind, or thought “that was then, now its over”. It is not fair to her if you haven’t brought it up again. It is your decision, but down the road it makes a difference.
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    If you are attracted to and have relationships with women it does not seem to me that you are a gay man. From all that you have said it seems that bisexual is a better fit.

    Trans women are women and so a man being attracted to them would be a heterosexual attraction. If you were only attracted to women both cis and trans you would still be straight. If in addition to the women you were attracted to men then that would mean being bisexual.
     
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  5. Ingvermama

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    Hi, sounds like you’re bisexual. It’s a tricky thing and often misunderstood. I crave a relationship with a woman, but wouldn’t dream of hurting my husband, so have had to think of ways round it. Could you talk to a therapist or counsellor for some ideas?
    Ingver.
     
  6. Ron961

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    Thanks a lot for your messages and your support. My experience is that a monogamous heterosexual relationship doesn't satisfy me completely (or am I having unrealistic expectations?) Also, would a gay person detest having sex with a woman? Or could he? I don't know if I like a female body because I envy it or if I'm attracted to it.. or both. I feel slightly more at ease now I know that I'm not the only one with these struggles. I am only wondering whether or not it's a good choice staying with a woman while having other cravings that one surpresses?

    This month I'll be having an intake for therapy as I have been watching pornography a lot lately (home, at work). I mostly fantasize about having the female role. I'm scared that this "addiction" may be a result of unexpressed feelings or actions. Also I'm hoping that this therapy (aimed at addictions) will give me the opportunity to have a deeper look inside myself. Thanks again.
     
  7. Unsure77

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    Some gay people are outright repulsed by the idea of sex with the opposite sex. I’m in that boat. But, I don’t think that’s true for all. Some people just describe indifference towards is more than repulsion.

    All that said, is it possible you’re more excited by the idea of sex with a man because it’s the newer idea and the one you haven’t gotten to explore? Especially if you’re still attracted to your fiancé.

    By all accounts, porn is a poor indicator of sexuality, by the way. It’s not unheard of for people to be turned on by porn that doesn’t match their own sexual orientation. What usually gets suggested here is seeing what turns you on when you’re using your own imagination.

    Also, is your therapist lgbt affirming? It seems like talking this through with an lgbt affirming therapist would be good.

    it does seem imperative for you to figure out before you either marry or break up with her, though. Basically before you make any changes that are hard or impossible to undo.
     
    #7 Unsure77, Aug 6, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2021
  8. Engdood1

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    While I am not certain that I am gay yet and am working out my own stuff, I thought I would relay my own experience. I have had a lot of trouble getting/keeping erections with women. When I finally realised I might be gay I began pretending the woman was a man and I was able to have good sex. Sounds different to you so maybe that helps?
     
  9. Chip

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    I wouldn't necessarily agree that being married would be indicative of being bisexual rather than gay. A quick perusal of our Later in Life section will show by now probably 100+ stories of people who married an opposite-sex partner, had families, and later in life figured out that they weren't really attracted to the opposite sex. This can be a complex set of reasoning, but most commonly, it's a sense of shame or strong desire to "fit in" with expectations of parents, family, society, community, etc.

    One of the best ways to assess yourself is to look at where your fantasies lie, for example when masturbating without porn. Are you more aroused thinking about guys than girls? Girls than guys? About the same? What about when you are out and about? What do you notice if you aren't really paying attention but letting your eyes wander? Do you go for guys first? Girls first? Equally?

    The challenge here is, you're dealing with a strong desire to fit in and be "normal" and have the normal wife and 2.3 kids and house with the picket fence. All of us have been there at one point or another.

    This isn't to say you are gay, only that you owe it to yourself and your fianceé to figure this out. If you're watching trans porn, fantasizing about penises, and imagining being dominated, one thing that's clear is you aren't straight. Whether you are toward the gay end of the spectrum or closer to bi is something still to be determined, and the above exercises will help you figure that out.

    I think it's important to work this through *before* the marriage, because things will just get messy if you figure this out later.
     
    #9 Chip, Aug 6, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2021
  10. Richelle1

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    I am living a double life too. I usually go through a week of a sexual binge and then I've had enough and stop for a while only for some cue to return and then the cycle repeats itself. It's like putting a beachball underwater it will return to the surface sometime. Now I'm fighting obsessions to become transgender as well. I have finally admitted to myself that i am...gay.
     
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  11. Ron961

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    Thanks for your elaborate answers everyone. I told me fiancee about my troubles: the fact that I had been dating guys in the past (and did so secretly in my previous relationships) and that I have had a lot of gay fantasies lately. She feels pretty insecure now and doubts whether this relationship can go on as my urges will not stop obviously. She says she finds it hard to stay with someone who cannot commit himself to her 100%. And she doesn't understand my selfdoubt because she says if I love her it doesn't matter whether I like men, women or whatever. If she's the one, she's the one. No matter what other potential partners are out there. I understand that, but I wish it was that easy. I somehow have trouble identifying myself, not that I want to necessarily label myself, but finding my true me is what I want.

    I myself am a bit in doubt as well as supressing these urges are causing a lot of stress, headaches and feel like a burden on my shoulders. But I cannot imagine myself with another woman than her and I'm damn scared of leaving her, dating guys and finding out this is not meant for me either.

    I sometimes think that maybe a relationship isn't for me anyway, as I constantly seek for rushes, attention and tension (from men and women) and when things become too familiar I seem to run away. But I'm not sure whether this is because of my homosexual urges (and supressing them) or not being able to deal with the normality of a relationship.

    As for the sexual fantasies: I like having sex with women, but when I'm not watching porn I fantasize having sex with men when I masturbate. I tend to fall into this female role as seen in pornography. Although when I'm sitting at a bar I rather seek for pretty women than handsome men. In conclusion, I'm still pretty lost.

    Best
     
  12. Caraldo

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    I’m proof that being married doesn’t make you bisexual. As I got more serious and was making more of a commitment became more obsessed with gay fantasies. The reason for this is that I am gay. She also “knew” but she put that, analyzed that differently than I thought and she felt misled in the end. We wasted 20 years of our lives. Something to think about.
     
    #12 Caraldo, Aug 11, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2021
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  13. Richelle1

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    I agree with you. It's a genie that can never be put back into the bottle. The best thing is to continue to move forward with normalcy until you are asked.
     
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  14. justaguyinsf

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    It actually sounds like you know yourself pretty well, and that the struggle isn't deciding what label to apply (I think it would be bisexual, but whatever) but instead whether you want to be 100% committed to your girlfriend. I was married at one time and was 100% committed to my wife in terms of not cheating (although I had my fantasies and close encounters), so I think it's possible to put aside your same-sex desires even though it's a major struggle. But it sounds like you don't want to do that, which is entirely reasonable but means giving up your girlfriend. A very difficult dilemma, but I don't think that a solution lies in categorizing yourself.
     
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