Yet another thread with this title but I’m still very confused … Mid-life now and not a day go by when I don’t ask myself this question. I tried to bring it to therapy a few times in my life but I’m always to ashamed to talk about it and pursue . I don’t even know where to start …
It's okay, it's nothing to be ashamed of society just tells us to be but we cannot help the sexual orientation we were born with. So, are you gay? Only you can answer that question but the first thing I would ask someone who asked me if they were gay is do you regularly feel attracted to people of the same gender as you?
No I don’t , but I have same-sex urges that I need to fulfill in my fantasies to get off properly . I don’t get attracted by pictures of guys , and quite frankly dislike male to male display of affection. I’m obsessed with girls and quiet jealous of them I get crushes in a New York minute , but I also really like the idea of putting myself in their shoes
Okay, so when you say same-sex urges what do you mean? Sexual acts involving male genitals? Also, when you say male to male affection that you dislike what do you mean? Like sex acts are okay, but you're uncomfortable with 2 men kissing? Okay, so you do get crushes on women? Do you want to have sex with them? When you say you want to be in their shoes do you mean that you want to have the world see you as female?
I'm real sorry, that was too personal. I only asked because I went through some similar feelings when coming to terms with being gay. I liked watching gay sex, but seeing guys kiss each other made it too real, brought too much emotion to it. I didn't like that because the sex I could kind of explain away as a fantasy or kink but the kissing I didn't want to see because if I liked that then was no way around it then.
Tx Tidal , no worries I just got sidetracked and had to leave for the rest of the day I mean I don’t get butterflies if I get a hug from a guy vs a girl …but sexually I often fantasize I take the girl’s place . I’ll write more tomorrow !
Our fantasies often reveal in inner truth about our feelings, but we suppress or bury them under the weight of shame. Bearing in mind what you said in your first post about being unable to talk about these feelings in therapy, I would suggest shame is a big obstacle for you. It holds us back and stops us from exploring questions that ring like an alarm clock in our minds. How do you feel about this fantasy? Does it discomfort you? If you look back, can you say when these questions started to arise? If you reflect carefully, can you even spot signs from much earlier in life?
Shame is huge , I fact even if I established my orientation clearly to myself I would probably stay in the closet for a while …I live pretty secluded from society anyhow , wether there’s a correlation or not . For as far as I can remember I’ve always been crazy about girls , but I always had an urge to put a female piece of clothe on in private or fantasize about bottoming with another man/men … but I’m obsessed with girls esthetic , I’m always looking for the most beautiful women I can imagine if I’m online or whoever catches my eyes in my daily life, my brain laterally freezes and catches on fire when I see a pretty girl. as far as my romantic relationships with females , I usually fall head over heels instantly , have crazy love/passion/ romance for a while until it fades away , eventually the boredom takes over and doubt about my sexuality arises as well was the desire to experiment , at least with myself or my mind . I’ve been buying lingerie and dildos every time my girlfriend has been out of town for the past few years … If I play a video game I prefer to pick the female character. I had a (boy)friend with whom I experimented with growing up , on and off, for half of my childhood. I didn’t think he was attractive at all but I never got so hard in my life until we were done and then shame and disgust would take over. It’s been hard for to get in bed with females and disappointing at first. It feels like it’s more romantic / less mechanical with a female at times. I’ve had lots of girlfriends whom I satisfied better than anybody else before but it seems something is always missing …my orgasms are just not as strong as they were when I was experimenting as a kid (also this was all new back then) , but I also find that I need to have same sex fantasies nowadays to fully orgasm on side of my heterosexual life …
I want to live them , have sex with them , be them , I cannot imagine a world without women , in other words I have to be the woman in my gay fantasies , but there always needs to be a feminine component.
On top of everything for a bunch years now I have recurring crossdressing dreams, or even lately same sex urges that wake me up at times at night , or arising right before I fall asleep.
This could be a big factor in not accepting yourself I don't like any gay pornography, and I don't like most displays, doesn't mean I am not gay. When i was in denial I would tell myself I was 'into' women but really I was jealous of them. A lot of gay men love looking at beautiful women, like to be around them but sexual arousal just isn't there. This kept me in denial a long time but once I accepted that I was gay, it no longer bothered me, I love women's fashion and femininity (though I am not transgender) but sexually, my fantasies are all about men.
I feel like I’m somewhat transgender and my attraction to the same sex manifest itself through this network. I don’t think I will ever transition though , so I’m thinking maybe I’m a feminine gay as way of coping ? I have to go through the gender channel to activate the gay part of me , this is what is confusing, I’m straight in both female and male identities lol but not quiet straight at the end I guess lol Sex addiction and/or ocd are not out if the question either …
