Hi all. Firstly, it's so nice that these forums exist. I was really wondering WTF is going on with me because I only knew about hetro, gay or bi but after reading similar experiences I feel alot better. Second I apologise if use any terms incorrectly and it offends anyone. Also this is long winded so I apologise. So here's the situation. I am only attracted to guys. In that I wouldn't mind kissing them,fooling around. But I think I'm on the asexual spectrum in that I'm sex- repulsed. I wouldn't have sex with a guy. Nor would I with women. I don't think I'd want to kiss a women either. But here's the thing. I think I have a romantic crush on a girl. I miss her so much when I'm not around her my heart/chest aches. I want her attention and affection. I want to cuddle her, hold her on my lap, kiss her on the head have her fall sleep in my arms. Hold her hand even if we're around people.( Not that we've ever done any of this other than hugging. She quite asexual and isn't big on touching even family or friends). Sometimes the the fact I can't have her (because I'm hetrosexual) makes me super sad. The thing she is gay. And she keeps making ...drops or passes (idk what you would call them) that she wants to be with me. Literally saying- good naturally but frustratingly- that she wishes I was gay. And that I should marry her I'm tempted/ like the idea of being in a relationship with her. But...I'm not attracted to women!! I can tell when they're pretty and appreciate their beauty. But she should be with someone who can tell her everyday that they thinks she the most beautiful person she's ever seen. I mean, I'd want that for me. But also...I think things are a little different then before. As in before I just wanted to cuddle her but now I want her to run her hands through my hair and I'm wondering if I could be demi sexual? The guys that have asked me out in the past I've refused because I've been a little interested in them but either not romantically. I can tell when guys are attractive, like the usual teen wolf shirtless scenes and can imagine myself being in a romantic relationship with a guy. But I've never actually been in a relationship...with anyone yeah. Will this romantic crush pass? Super confused. What do I do? Also she's my close friend and the ex of my god sister who I am SUPER protective of.
This will go against the less-than-scientific nonsense being promoted on AVEN and some other places, but sex repulsion is not a hard-wired circumstance you are born with; it is a learned behavior that nearly always comes about as a result of some form of childhood trauma. Asexuality is different; it is (at least if we're using the proper, widely recognized definition) a hardwired complete lack of interest in sex. Rather than being repulsed, asexuals (using this definition) are simply "meh" about sex. It carries no emotional connotation whatsoever. Also, for what it's worth, the same evidence-free folks who promote the idea of unrecognized definitions of asexuality also promote the utterly unsupported idea of a separation between romantic and sexual orientation. Even Lisa Diamond, whose work I have little respect for but who the evidence-free folks always trot out, acknowledges that there's no evidence for discordant sexual and romantic orientation. If we understand that, then it becomes easier to understand our own sexual attraction and orientation. What is sometimes described as "romantic orientation" has another term: emotionally intimate friendship. This is simply a deep connection with someone that you appreciate and care about, but have absolutely no sexual interest in. It has nothing to do with "romantic" orientation; it's simply a deep and emotionally close friendship. When we look at it that way, it, like the understanding of sex repulsion and asexuality above, helps to clarify and inform our self-awareness about who we are attracted to, and what we feel. This is important to understand from the perspective of trying to figure out where you are on the sexuality spectrum, because there are two layers here: The hard-wired sexual orientation you were born with, and your behaviors, experiences and emotional responses, which are, at least to some extent, conditioned. If I were in your situation, I would want to explore what's going on at an emotional level. Not with the intent of changing anything, necessarily, but simply to understand myself better. It is possible (and actually fairly likely) that if you explore family-of-origin issues, you will be able to gain a deeper understanding of yourself that may well heal the sex repulsion you are experiencing. And this, in turn, could help you gain a very different perspective on where your true sexual orientation lies. It may be that you are mainly or entirely straight... or perhaps you're somewhere on the spectrum between straight and gay.
I'm getting two impressions from your post: 1) That you're straight, but perhaps have entered into your first, close friendship with another woman (or perhaps anyone), and so you've confused this closeness for romantic feelings. Or 2) That you fit somewhere within bisexuality, but because you've long considered yourself straight, the idea of being with another woman romantically/sexually feels foreign to you. The latter I understand, because prior to realizing my bisexuality and coming out--and even for a while afterwards--I had a hard time imagining myself in intimate situations with other women. Not just "sexually intimate", but any kind of intimacy. Only when I stopped being ashamed was I able to fully experience my attraction to other women. I won't profess to know for sure, because at the end of the day, we're two strangers on the internet. But I think Chip is right; I think it's worth exploring your feelings with a little more depth, and doing what you can to shed any shame or guilt you might be experiencing regarding it.
