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Help please

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Anonymous72, Jul 23, 2021.

  1. Anonymous72

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    So I think I’m trans. I was born male, but I serious urges to cross dress, have feminine features, just be a girl. I’m 14 and kind of starting puberty, so I would definitely want to come out now to prevent certain surgeries later. There is 1 problem though. My parents are suuuuper trans/homophobic. Everyone in my family is. My brother, who does support gays, is against trans people. I thought I was going to come out to him first, but I don’t think I can now. My whole family is super conservative and very stereotypical Christians. I don’t know what to do.
     
  2. Chip

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    The situation you are in is a challenging one for which there's no really good solution. There's data that shows that about 40% of those who describe gender dysphoria symptoms early in their teen years find that the dysphoria abates entirely on its own, with no treatment, no transitioning, within 4 or 5 years. So that's a pretty compelling argument to wait before doing anything. On the other hand, for those for whom there is absolutely no question, and whose lives are miserable, then there's also a pretty compelling argument to not have them wait for so many years.

    If your family isn't supportive, then it's going to be a real challenge, especially in North Carolina, not exactly one of the most liberal places in the country.

    Is there a possibility you could convince your parents to let you see a therapist, without any mention of your thinking you might be trans? That way, you could explore your feelings with the therapist and see what's going on. If you're part of the 40%, then obviously it's useful to know that. And if you're not... seeing a therapist could help you get clearer, and having a therapist who is supportive might make it easier to come out to family.
     
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  3. quebec

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    Anonymous72.....Hello and a very big LGBTQ+ welcome to Empty Closets! Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! The most important factors in deciding when to come out are:

    *****
    Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you. Since you are so young your parents, even under the best of circumstances, would be unlikely to agree to any major steps toward transitioning. Since you said that they are transphobic I think that you will need to take a very low-key approach to being trans if you want to get any kind of support from them. You are likely to get no support at all and will need to wait until you are older to be able to take any major steps toward transitioning. As MtF you will still have good results from hormone replacement therapy if you wait until you're 18 or older. Finding a way to see a therapist as @Chip mentioned would be an excellent idea. If you can do it without mentioning or bringing up being trans would be the best possible situation. You could then tell tell therapist everything that you are dealing with and they (the therapist) will keep it confidential.

    *****Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, having all privileges (phone, computer, friends, etc.) taken away, being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important.

    *****Being out in middle school/high school is easier now than it used to be...but depending on your school and your relationship with other students, it can still be a problem. Try to evaluate these things and see what you seriously think about the results of coming out would be. Sometimes waiting...even when it is so difficult...is the only safe way to come out.

    *****You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents/friends. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! An additional plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. Again, that can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality...giving them some time to think about it too only seems fair! Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help!

    *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your parents and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person.

    *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php

    *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you!

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. Anonymous72

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    Thank you! That’s a big help. I do have a therapist, I just haven’t mentioned anything about my gender to her. I’ll try that :slight_smile:
     
  5. QuietPeace

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    At 14 and currently living and dependent upon your parents who you describe as transphobic it seems to me that you have nothing to gain and a lot to lose by coming out to them. When I came out to my parents they threw me out of their house, fortunately I waited until I had a job and was living in my own apartment so I did not become homeless at that time. Talking to your therapist would be a very good first step, your therapist is a safe person to come out to.

    What surgeries do you think that coming out will prevent? At 14 the only thing that you could do medically is to take puberty blockers, this can only be done with your parents support and if they are transphobic it is very unlikely that they are going to be willing to pay for those extremely expensive medications to help you stave off masculine development.
     
  6. Chip

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    I would suggest, before coming out to the therapist, that you initiate a discussion about the limits of confidentiality. In most states (I have not checked NC), even a minor is entitled to confidentiality in that info cannot be shared with parents unless there's significant and imminent risk of harm to self or others. Being trans would certainly not qualify as "imminent risk of harm." However, there are unfortunately a lot of incompetent therapists who don't understand the rules surrounding confidentiality and mandatory reporting. So if you have a clear discussion and pin them down to acknowledging that the only thing they can share is risk of imminent harm to self or others, and nothing else can or will be shared, you're probably safe to disclose.