Hello, I don't know what to do. I feel like a never-ending tidal wave of rejection is crashing down on me. I'm going to lose the love of my life if I don't cauterize certain aspects of myself. It's been over a decade since I've felt this hopeless. I just want to be myself and fit in somewhere where I can have all aspects of myself and none of them are demonized. I don't want to hurt other people, why is who I am so bad?
I feel the same way you do, Lostboi. I am rejected by the people around me and I am demonized because I don’t call myself a Christian (Even though most Christians I know don’t even follow the tenets of their religion), I don’t worship Donald Trump, I don’t like country or rap music, I fight against bigotry, and I actually read instead of following news channels. I’ve actually been taunted as being gay just because I don’t have a girlfriend and don’t hate LGBT people either because “The Bible says so!” or from simple hatred of the different. I feel the same in wanting to be in a place where I am accepted for who I am. I am sorry you are going through this.
Hey Markness, thank you. I'm sorry you don't feel welcome in your community, I know that is a very painful thing. I was lucky enough to be raised in a liberal(by the South's standards) area and my secular father ensured I did not have fire and brimstone poured down my throat and I am grateful to him for that. I am a gay man who is married. I am aware I am somewhat difficult to love, as I have issues ranging from autism spectrum-related issues to emotional instability issues. However my husband is the most wonderful man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He is always there for me. I love him with all my being. Recently though...a , a sort of desire or kink, I guess, one that has sort of been with me since I was a boy has been plaguing my thoughts. It's nothing too out there(I thought)..it just involves certain types of clothing. I've spoken with him about a couple of times in the past, he's told me he has zero interest and I've left it alone. Recently it came up again and he told me he loves me but he couldn't see himself with somebody who partakes in these types of things. I understand and I don't want to cajole him into doing anything but it quite honestly hurts very much. I don't blame him, I'd give just about anything(barring my marriage itself) to stop having these kind of thoughts. I'm quite honestly terrified, for while I have resolved to suppress these desires so I do not lose him, some of the articles and accountsI've read say that suppressing these types of things does not work, kind of like repressing being gay. I wish I could just kind of cut it out of my brain.
Markness, though certain areas attract certain people, I just wanted to say you may think you are alone but you are not. I do not mean just with people online either. I think I may be older than you and although I grew up in a more liberal area(my state leans conservative in the rural areas and the vast majority of counties are rural) it was, at the time, not a huge metropolis or anything. All this to say I did not meet an openly gay guy(I was not out) until I went to college. I knew from the TV I wasn't the only gay in the world, but it felt like I was in my part of it. What I am trying to say is there are others like you, who share your beliefs I mean, closer to home than you think. It is hard to put yourself out there but maybe going on like subreddits with your shared interests. Even if you don't get to meet in the flesh, it will help to have someone like-minded to talk to. And like I said it may surprise you to find people in or near your neck of the woods who share your beliefs and values. I mean, I do like some rap music, but other than that our beliefs sound very much aligned. You can talk to me if you need to. Hope you feel better.
Assuming what you are talking about is not something self-destructive like a drug problem, then someone who insists you be or behave a particular way in order to love you does not love you. They only love you if you adhere to certain norms or conditions, and that isn't true love. If you have to change or modify the way you are and the way you behave in order to be with someone... then you aren't being authentic to yourself. If you can't be authentic to yourself... then you aren't going to be happy. You aren't hurting anyone else by being yourself.
Thanks for responding, Chip. No, it is not drugs or self-destructive behaviors, although I am well-versed in such things I have left all that behind me. I understand what you are trying to say and thank you for your kind words. However, I am quite sure my husband loves me. As I said in my first response to Markness, I am well aware I am a difficult man to love. I have a plethora of issues and mental wellness wise my ship is held together with twine, tar, and chewing gum but it does float. When he met me my bow was up out the water, I was going straight down and somebody had forgotten to securely fasten the lifeboats. He has made it possible for me to be where I am today. I am not certain of much, but I am certain he loves me. That being said, while he does love me with all my cracks, there is some sort of desire(not my orientation), a kink I guess, that I have struggled with since just before puberty. He doesn't wish to explore it and what am I to do? I cannot coerce his attractions. I myself do not like this desire I have. I wish very much that it would go away.
Without probing into what the kink in question is, I can say - as someone whose proclivities veer askew from the norm - that, much like orientation, fetishes are not something you can just do away with. I realize this probably isn't good news to you, per se, but rejecting that part of yourself is just going to make you miserable. If, however, it's something that involves potential harm to yourself or others, I would strongly advise you speak with a professional. Bar that, if your partner isn't interested, you just have to find a way to fulfill yourself without them. Of course I'm not advocating for infidelity, as that would also be destructive, but there are probably other avenues of satisfaction, if you explore enough. Fundamentally, though, I would posit this to you; if the only thing holding the most important relationship in your life together is, as you say, emotional twine and chewing gum, are you sure it's really worth the trouble? Especially when it's personally unsatisfying? I know it's painful to walk away from a partner, as I just lost a very important one myself, but if it's as you say then what do you think is going to happen if life serves up something really terrible? Do you think the two of you could weather a lost job? Or the death of an important loved one? Or particularly nasty illness? Please understand, I'm not asking this to add to your stress, only as questions I would advise you to ask yourself. If you think it's worth salvaging, then a relationship councilor is more than called for. Get with one, stat. Sure up the proverbial hull, in case of bad weather. Otherwise, it might be time to start a new chapter. And, if you're experiencing such chronic rejection where you are, it's probably best to move somewhere more friendly to our sorts. I realize that's a tall order, at minimum, but take it from someone who's kick to the butt came in the form of losing everything short of their limbs. The longer you take, the more difficult it's going to be. I guarantee it. Problems aren't like wine. They're an open jar of mayonnaise a week out of date that you have to eat, and time is a dank Louisiana basement in the middle of July. Do you want to dig in just after it was put down there or in a month?
tidalpool.....Have you considered seeing a therapist? I did and it was one of the best decisions of my life. Check them out to see if they list working with the LGBTQ Community as part of their practice before you make an appointment. I think you'll find it will help you a lot to talk to someone about all of this. .....David
If he really loves you he should be ok with you dressing up however you want to. That really shouldn't be such a big deal. See if you two could reach a compromise about it. Like on certain days you can wear whatever you like and on others you present yourself as a male. If the relationship means a lot to you and there are other redeeming qualities to it, keep all of that in mind before you decide to sever it.
Hey everyone, thank you all for the replies. I'm feeling a bit better now. Since I was a young boy, before puberty, I have had a certain attraction/desire to want to wear women's underwear. I don't know why as am not trans nor do I feel like I want to be seen as female. I don't like admitting this but since I'm going to have to a therapist soon I guess I can practice here without my real name. I have contacted a therapist and will be seeing them in the coming days. I need to go anyway to address a couple of issues, so I guess I need to add this one to the list. I haven't worn anything for females in a very long time, but my husband found a stash of underwear that I'd been meaning to get rid of but had not worn for a long time. I had told him about this issue before but he'd never seen my clothes. I think it just freaked him out, finding those things like that. I don't need to wear them though and I got rid of them. I'm hoping therapy will help me uncover why I would want to do this in the first place, I feel like it will help me to stop completely if I can figure out the underlying issue. I love my husband and he does love me, I know he does. We've each given so much to this relationship and he is my best friend. I don't want to be with anybody else. The ship analogy was about my mental health, not our relationship. Perhaps I am being selfish, wanting to do such a silly thing. He supports me but I know he does not like this particular issue at all. I quite honestly do not know how I would cope with him outright rejecting me. However, I have a lot of mental health issues to tackle so maybe once I have a better grasp on those this issue will be easier to deal with.
It may not be an 'issue' that you're having, it could just be a part of who you are as a person. I don't think you're being selfish, if anything you could argue that your husband is being selfish by having you go in for therapy with the hopes that it will have a diminishing effect on your urge to wear women's clothing. Why does he have a problem with you doing that in the first place?
I made the decision to go to therapy. I need it for more than just this kink. My husband does not seem to have as much of a problem with me wearing it but doesn't want to see it. He really doesn't find it attractive and while I like just wearing them there also seems to be some sort of kink thing for me as well. That he is opposed to and that is his right. I don't know if I can get these urges to stop but maybe being open about it with someone might help. I'm out and proud about being gay in all facets of my life but I'm not out to anyone besides my husband about this.
The decision to go for therapy seems like a good idea. Although your desire to wear women's underwear may be unrelated to other issues, there is also a distinct possibility that it may be. Putting kinks and fetishes aside, it sounds like you have been through a lot and need help and support. I think you are doing the right thing.
