I am heterosexual but I see myself as a friend of LGBT people because I dislike bigotry and I have a friend who is a lesbian. This thought is eating at me for some reason. I often see and hear people say how they have sex often. It can range from “I’m going to meet up with someone for sex!” to “I love getting fucked like that!” to “I got my hoes!”, among other things. It’s like sex is like watching TV for these people but for me, it’s unachievable because I am missing the right traits and trying to get them has been like banging my head against a wall. I’ve mentioned here before I have Aspergers and I am socially isolated for the most part in the area I live in. I am mostly alone wherever I go and everyone else looks like they have a social circle. I also get uninterested or even hostile looks from other people. I’ve been suggested to go to bars but I don’t go to them. This is partly because I don’t drink alcohol (My tongue is hypersensitive to the taste) but it’s also because the times I’ve been in them, people there generally have company with them. I’ve attended Meet Up groups but the women in them usually have boyfriends, husbands, or just don’t find me attractive or interesting. I want a romantic relationship but I also have a sex drive that is constantly unfulfilled and it is frustrating. I especially dread Friday nights and the weekends because I am alone while others spend those days having fun. It looks like it’s so easy for others to get sex but I can’t even get my foot in the door. Am I doing something wrong or is it just the fact I am on the autism spectrum that I am so far behind other people?
The only way to meet people is to actually meet people. You can't sit at home on Friday and Saturday night and then wonder why you don't meet people. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to place yourself in social situations that are uncomfortable given your Asperger's, but it will require you to get out and meet people face-to-face. I would suggest that the best way to meet people is through common interests. When people say to join meet-up groups or various clubs and interest groups, that's good advice. Not only are you doing something that interests you, it gives you an opportunity to meet people, make friends, and possibly meet a potential partner. So, what kinds of things do you like to do? Identify those things, and then look for groups engaged in that activity and join them. That would be a good start.
As a fellow aspie, I am in a similar boat. I am a 21 yr old super-virgin. Never dated, never been kissed. However, the few valuable relationship I've had have come from just interacting with people in environments I enjoy and feel comfortable it, this way, we share common interests. I assume finding sexual partners is similar; you have to go to the places where the people you are interested in tend to be. I would say, don't assume you are attractive and uninteresting. I made the mistake of assuming people didn't like me or found me annoying, only to find out from second-hand information that those people thought I was "cool" but aloof. I just completely miss-read the social signals. You may actually be sabotaging yourself to some degree by allowing your insecurities to bias yourself to a negative interpretation of social responses. This, combined with the aspie issue of missing some cues may allow you to think you are actually more unappealing than you really are. To be honest, I'd recommend a good therapist who knows something about Asperger's. I haven't found a sexual partner yet, but actively working through my terrible self esteem has allowed me to make more social connections in general. I assume it's a matter of time before I find some woman who's interested (although I have the extra challenge of finding one who's queer.) Good luck mate! (also, keep in mind many people overexaggerate their sexual prowness for social status.)
I have attended various Meet Up groups but I fall to the wayside in them because I don’t drink, smoke, or have tales of sexual escapades like most other people in them do. I’ve also volunteered recently but doing so didn’t lead to anything. I’ve also attended various entertainment conventions like comics and anime/manga/Japanese culture ones but no one in them ever befriends me even when I do my best to be social. It makes me want to kill myself.
Hi Markness, I’m really sorry to hear how you’re feeling, that sounds incredibly tough. I’m not qualified to give mental health advice so just wanted to say malfunctioning human to fellow malfunctioning human that you’re definitely not a loser. You posted on another thread that the reason you’re here is that you dislike bigotry (good man!) and have a friend who is a lesbian. Also that you’ve volunteered which is another great trait. I’m sure your friend thinks you’re anything but a loser, perhaps you could call her for a chat about how you’ve been feeling? If you can’t get hold of her or someone else here's a number for the mental health crisis hotline in your area, you can call it 24/7 on 1-800-888-4036 and there's the National Suicide Prevention Hotline on 1-800-273-8255. As someone else said on these forums “Suicide is NEVER the answer. It is a permanent solution to a very temporary problem.” Your brain doesn’t need to be destroyed, you’re a unique and valuable person that belongs in the world as much as anyone else. Being in a relationship is only one aspect life and has nothing to do with your overall worth as a person. You're struggling with some mental health issues like many of us do and could do with some extra support to get through it. Well done for reaching out and wishing you the very best Markness, hang in there my friend.
