I’ve known my daughter was struggling with her sexuality for the past year. I love my daughter but honestly I am really struggling with a lot of anxiety about her coming out at school and to her grandparents. I’m feeling a loss of her innocence and afraid for her safety. I also am mourning the dreams I had for her future (husband, kids, etc). I am trying hard to be supportive but know I have some internalized homophobia I need to address. I thought I was making good progress until my daughter revealed she now is in a relationship. I had hoped she would wait a while to start dating but that is outside my control. I find myself wishing she were straight and feel an unfair resentment that other families won’t have the same struggles. I feel super guilty about all these feelings and know addressing them in therapy is a good idea. I definitely feel sad and anxious. I know I need to do better for my kid.
I guess a few things. A spouse and children are still very much so on the table for her! She may or may not be the one to give birth. But, plenty of LGBT people have marriages and children. If she's not gay, it's possible she could wind up with a husband. I have lesbian and pansexual friends with wives and children. I have a bisexual friend with a husband and a son. Those dreams are still possible. It may just look slightly different from what you had originally pictured. And if she has a wife, there will be no "oops" babies. That part will always be very planned and intentional. The other thing to hold in mind is that you're giving your daughter this gift that a lot of us didn't get to have. You're allowing her to develop sexually normally, like a straight kid would get to. She's getting to learn to date and flirt and have crushes and be in first relationships and succeed and fail at that as a kid (at an age where you're there to support her and guide her). Just like all the other kids. And she's able to seek out the other LGBT kids so they can go through this together and know there are other kids just like her. And she's getting to do that with you, just like all the other kids. For so many of us, we spent our teen years suppressing our sexuality and hiding our true identity from ourselves and our parents and our friends. In a lot of cases because we had to be afraid of our parents and our families and our friends. We couldn't trust them. Any of them. And we did it alone. And then, in our 20's, 30's, or 40's THEN we get to take those dating first steps everyone else did at 14. We get to have those first kisses with someone who makes our stomach flutter at 40. We get to learn how to date and be in a relationship at 40. And we get to do that with the support and guidance of a therapist instead of our parents. And then we get to grieve all that (good thing there's the therapist). It doesn't have to be that way for your daughter, and it sounds like it's not going to be. She can have a normal childhood. Her sexuality can develop normally and healthily the way it's supposed to. She doesn't have to, lifelong, live this lie and then have this huge upheaval later in life. She can just be who she is. You're letting her do that. She can have a basically normal life. It just may be that the person in her prom photos and vacation pictures with kids down the road may not be the gender you had in your head when she was a baby and too young to express her opinion. But, those pictures were always hers to create the real version of. Even families with straight kids can get surprise twists and turns when the real versions of those pictures get created, right? Not everyone has one happy heterosexual marriage (that starts at age 25) that lasts 50 years and produces 2.5 kids and one dog. Not even for the straight people. For all sorts of reasons. And that's ok. Maybe it's just that you're getting that dose of reality a little sooner than other parents.
Thank you for sharing your insight. I definitely have a lot of work to do. I am terrified of the bullying she is going to experience at school. I hope that with time, I will become more comfortable with this part of her. I am definitely still experiencing some denial and sadness. I know nobody gets guaranteed an easy life but I am fearful for what her future holds.
I haven't walked in your shoes. I'm sure there's a grieving process in realizing her life isn't exactly what you pictured. But, I guess what I'm trying to say is that she has an opportunity for a great life. If she wants them, she can still have the wife and the kids and love and a great job and all the things. It's not 1952. She can still have a basically normal, wonderful life. Now, she may have to pick and choose where she lives and who she surrounds herself with to do that. She may need to aim to live in bigger cities (or at least more progressive ones) and avoid more bigoted religious groups (if you're dragging her to, like, a Southern Baptist church or something every week, please stop). But, those things are out there for her. Good places with good people. Communities that are accepting. Religious communities that are accepting (if that's something you want and she wants)..those things exist. And it hedges her bets a LOT that she has you on her side and she's not having to spend half her life pretending to be something she's not. She can do all the normal things at all the normal times. She doesn't have to be ashamed of who she is. She can share her life with you. She doesn't have to feel like she's doing this alone. I can't begin to describe to you how much I wish I could have had that. How huge an impact that would've had on my life. You have a wonderful opportunity. She has a wonderful opportunity!
Guest 2021.....I always welcome new members to Empty Closets. I have a kind of "standard" welcome I use and I'll put that below what I write here. I just couldn't use it to start with when writing to you. Especially after what @Unsure77 has written. I have to agree with what she wrote. It brought tears to my eyes thinking what my life could have been like if I had a mother like you. Your daughter is so fortunate to have you. There are so few children who don't match the heterosexual pattern that have someone like you to support and love them as they grow up. You'll do fine...Mom! Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! There are a number of sub-forums here on EC...why don't you check them out and then feel free to join in the conversations! There is a sub-forum here titled “Sexual Orientation” if you post there I think you’ll find people who will understand what you are dealing with. This is a community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. You can ask questions in any of the Sub-forums by creating a new thread or by joining in a conversation-thread that is already going. You can also post a message on anyone's Profile Page after you have made at least ten posts yourself. If you have a question that is somewhat private you can always send a Private Message to any Staff Member. Normally Private Messages can only be exchanged between two Full Members, but a PM to a Staff Member is an exception. We are so glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets! .....David
Hello again.....I should have directed you to our sub-forum titled "Parents & Family Members of LGBT People" yesterday. But I just missed it. So here it is now... a sub-forum especially for people who find themselves in your position. You should also check out PFLAG.com (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) a national organization that will provide a lot of resources and help. .....David
Here’s the link! https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?forums/for-parents-and-family-members-of-lgbt-people.145/
Hi, I am in a slightly similar situation to you, I have a lesbian daughter. She is 13 and came out to me before Christmas. I was so excited for her, we talked about Pride, and beautiful girls. I would love to go to a Pride parade with her. She dresses indie alternative style, like me, so we share Dr martens, converse. We don’t share clothes though, she’s like a model and I’m quite well rounded . How I am different from you is I am bisexual, I haven’t come out yet, but have known all along that I fancied lots of women and a few men.
