I Got an Ultimatum. Should I Stay or Should I Leave?

I'm not keen on ultimatums, especially ones that involve major life steps like moving in together. If you already have concerns about your relationship, then moving in together because otherwise you're going to break up isn't likely to make them any better. I'd also be concerned about moving in with someone who doesn't have a handle on their finances, unless you're fine with that.

I hate to say this, but is the ultimatum due to the longer lease? Does he want to avoid that by moving in with you?

 

Moving in together is something that two people do when both of them feel the time is right, they feel ready, secure in the relationship, and excited about going to the next stage. It does not sound like any of those apply to you here. On the contrary, you're being coerced into something you do not feel ready for.

So he loves you when it works for him, but he's self-centered and not terribly interested in compromise. Why would you want to spend a long time (potentially the rest of your life) with someone not interested in your needs or in compromise?

Again, if it's like this now, it is only going to get worse. Why would you want to be with someone who is not interested in your needs and in compromise?

So... this sounds like someone who is a lot more interested in himself and what he wants than in making a relationship work. Honestly the combination of excess alcohol consumption and endless Twitter browsing sounds like numbing behaviors, which are usually a means of masking insecurities or pain. The lack of interest in self-care is usually part of that as well. In short, from this description, this sounds like someone who does not have very good self-esteem. It is usually very difficult to be with someone who has major self-esteem issues, especially if they aren't showing any interest in owning their wounds and doing their self-work.

It sounds like you are putting in all the effort to make things work. That in itself is usually an enormous warning sign. You don't want to be working at the relationship harder than he is. And it is also your first relationship... which means you may be having a harder time seeing the dysfunction, because you don't have anything to reference it to.

The longer lease is your boyfriend's issue, not yours. You like your current situation, and absent pressure from your BF, you would not be considering moving. That should tell you a lot.

The long and short of this is... I see absolutely nothing that would make me want to stay in this relationship if I were in it... and I see a whole bunch of red flags and other warnings that would make me want to run the other way. It never feels good to end a first relationship, because we tend to idealize the first relationship we are in... but we also tend to learn a lot from it, and take that knowledge to help us to show up better in the next relationship.

Your boyfriend sounds like he has some major self-worth issues. He's playing the ultimatum card as a power play because he is insecure. That's a really, really bad sign, and absolutely not an indicator of someone you want a relationship/partnership/love interest in. It's true that all relationships have their issues, but it clearly sounds like you're doing almost all the work here, there's little sign of compromise or even concern about your needs or worries... and that is a very, very bad sign.

There is also another part of me that just... when someone presents an ultimatum... it pretty much always has the opposite impact on me that the other person expects/hopes it will have. Ultimatums are not done out of respect and love and admiration. They are done as an attempt at control. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who feels the need to control you?

 

It sounds like you made the right decision. It also sounds like he started pulling out manipulations designed to pull on your heartstrings and get you to reconsider. Good on you for not falling for the trap.

Saying "I love you" is not the same as saying "You are the person I want to be with for the rest of my life" or even "for the next year." It is a demonstration of love and caring for someone. In this case, this sounds like someone who is really desperate and doesn't love himself, which is unfortunate, but which you cannot fix. It absolutely does suck when a relationship ends, regardless of who ends it, and there are always the "what ifs" and the rationalization that anyone is better than no one. But the rational mind knows that isn't the case. It's perfectly reasonable and normal to feel shitty for a while after a relationship ends. But hanging out with your friends sounds like the best antidote there is.