Hi all, I’m Joolz. I’m new to this site, and am looking for advice on my sexuality. I’ve identified as bisexual for most of my life but I am increasingly challenging my sexuality. I am still attracted to men but not sexually. This is a problem because I am romantically attracted to men. I am in a three year relationship with a man who I love but do not want to sleep with. We don’t currently have a sexual relationship at all which I feel really guilty about as he wants one. I am not sure what to do. Do I finish with him or wait until he’s sick of me not wanting to sleep with him? I have a history of sexual abuse which confuses things further. I am massively triggered at the thought of having sex with someone I’m romantically involved with as it feels ‘familiar’. I can have sex with people up to the time I feel connected to them, although this has changed over the past year or so as I can’t imagine any man near me. I love looking at women and just love the idea of being sexually and romantically involved with one but I’m not sure if I am brave enough to do it. I did have a relationship with a girl when I was a teenager but felt homophobic against myself and shied away from kissing her or being girlfriendy in front of others. I would love some advice..I feel really lonely at the moment and long to snuggle up and sleep cuddled up with a woman. I want it but don’t want to lose my make partner as I like his company…thanks for reading!
Hello! It’s brave of you to get that out. I found it hard to have sex or feel emotionally connected to. I struggled with labels of Bi or Lesbian. I finally figured out that relationships or sex with women felt right and I wanted to have sex and I naturally felt romantically and emotionally connected with women. That’s when I do label myself as a lesbian. I find friendships with guys easier than women but that’s all it could ever be. I would suggest you take the time to figure yourself out and you will know deep down inside how you feel. You are not alone and we as a community are here to support you. Even if the advice doesn’t resonate with you, someone listening and having the space to release is up-lifting . Keep your head up, you’ve got this!
I read your post with intrest and have been trying to find the words to offer advice, but really I am a novice in this too, so don't have any pearls of wisdom to offer. For me, I trust my female friends, I can confide in them, care for them and empathise but they are just my friends generally they can't hurt me because they are hetrosexual. But with men I am guarded, I dont trust easily and expect to get hurt, I look for faults and back away quickly. I don't want to be single forever, and also want to be in loving arms, and I don't want my sex life to be meh. I am sorry I can't give you really good advice but just wanted to say that there's a community here which I am taking real support from and I hope you can find support. Lovesleep has given good advice which I too appreciate.
Joolz, I have the same thing. I'm attracted to men romantically but not sexually and attracted to women for both. If I were you I'd talk to your SO about your feelings before making any decisions about your relationship, the outcome may not turn out exactly how you want it to but it's easier to do it now than later when you have more baggage together.
Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who discovered my sexuality later in life, with a family and the fear and anxiety I have now to come out to my wife after 16+ years, I can only advise to speak to your partner earlier rather than waiting too long when it gets even more difficult. If you want to be selfless - think that your partner deserves to be with someone who wants a sexual relationship with him, which it sounds like you can’t give him. On the more selfish side - you also deserve to be happy and in a relationship where you can enjoy a sexual relationship.
Hi, I am married to a man, we have children and find myself in the ver awkward position of awakening to my bisexuality. I have always known I have been drawn to women, and the occasional man, but, and this sounds awful, I wanted to fit in as normal. I love my partner, but I don’t want sex with him, I enjoy a cuddle with him because he’s warm and kind but with clothes on. I have finally realised I’ll be happier if I come out and show my whole self, joining EC is an amazing step and talking to others freely is liberating!
