It’s been a while since I just got everything out, usually I write on pieces of paper and ten burn them. Mainly so I don’t have to torture myself constantly by reading them. There is a woman in my life who is not comfortable with her sexuality but continues to see me on and off in secret. She comes and goes. It’s been like this for so long. I let her back into my life for her vanish again months later.. Only this time she has been gone for many months. I may get the odd message telling me she loves me etc.. but does she? Her family life is difficult as she is from Saudi Arabia and is back there during the Covid pandemic. I get her background and religion are major obstacles, yet her treatment of me for not justify her struggles to be open with me. Maybe it’s my fault as I allow her to come and go.. Today is a struggle. Thanks for listening.
Sometimes it's nice to have a place to vent about these things where you know people will understand. I still struggle with my own situation although it's not nearly as intense as yours. Hope you feel better tomorrow
These situations are so difficult. I wish I had an easy answer for you but getting it out here I think is a wonderful start. To have a support system of people who understand is so important. I know the heartache you feel as you also know my situation. It's not your fault. You love her and that's ok. And above all else you are strong! Everything happens in its own time including healing. It's good to own these feelings and let them out in a productive way which is what you are doing and that takes great strength!! Her treatment of you is really on her. Don't take that on as an issue with you. An answer may be looming somewhere or not. It may be that she herself may not know... Its all a struggle and I'm sorry you are going through this. Big hugs to you!
I do write a lot too, sometimes it helps, to just express the internal feelings. I keep my ramblings as I use them to see how i’m changing and how my emotions rise and fall. There are some entries in my journal that I look at now and realise just how far i’ve come on my journey and other entries I can see my anger or sadness all of which a valid emotions. It’s such a difficult situation your in to be picked up and put down all the time, I know how that feels, so sending you virtual hugs. Tomorrow is another day so hopefully you feel better.
I've started writing down things myself, to see how I progress and to have an outlet so that I don't (god forbid) start talking to my crush about them. I've started the process of letting it go, and it's so hard because it's so sweet and seductive to fall into that fantasy again and feel those wonderful feelings but it has its dark side with negative feelings and it's making me act like a lovesick teenager around her, which interferes with our friendship and I don't want to lose that because of some unattainable fantasy. The worst part is that like with all crushes I always seem to sense signals from her but I keep having to tell myself I'm likely engaging in wishful thinking and seeing what I want to see instead of staying realistic about it.
Writing is an excellent medium for getting thoughts out and making rational judgements. I can see how this negative emotions can make you feel like a jealous lovesick teenager! I too suffer with this same thought at times. Things for me are getting easier since I just let go, let go of negative emotions, let go of expectations and cleansed my spirit. Of course some days are harder than others but it's a process and Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that jazz!
I will just tell you i am in a similar situation as the woman your are interested in.It is really not easy to be bound and not be free to be open.In my case,i have this huge wish to be with a woman but i know it wont happen since my life is the way it looks.Trust there is nothing i would wish more than to be with her but it is not possible,,but i do dream it will be possible in some way in the future
Thank you for sharing your own experience and giving me an insight into the other flip of the coin shall we say. I'm sorry things are not able to be the way you do want them to be and I hope in the future your dreams come true. Thank you once again for sharing with me.
It's good that writing out your thoughts and talking about your feelings is helping you. Echoing what has been mentioned already: what she is doing is not great as she keeps you hooked to a possibility that might not happen. It isn't fair to you. From what you have mentioned, she is struggling; you can't take that on however, as it is something she needs to come to terms with and reconcile her feelings, orientation and beliefs. With where things are at, I would suggest trying to let go and finding someone with whom you can build a connection that feels right and won't leave you hanging or feeling of possibly being taken advantage of. You could always be there for her as a friend, offering to listen or support her in the best way you can with boundaries that allow you to continue living your life, not being drawn into a situation like you are finding yourself in.
Thank you. I have come to that realisation and have now created a distance between us. Taking back control of how my emotions play out, instead of allowing her to dictate the state of play. It's not east but the best that I can think of doing right now. I appreciate your advice and support.
