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What to make of it...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MistyMorn, Jun 7, 2021.

  1. MistyMorn

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    Sorry this may be long, real long, but I'll try to be as concise as possible. I'm wanting just an idea of what is happening with this situation.

    My friend and I, have had this strange dynamic almost since day 1. We have known each other for 4 somewhat tumultuous years. It hit really intense winter of 2019. I was helping her through a divorce and she became very flirtatious with me, really a lot. Telling me amazing things, we would hold each other close and she would say things like how happy I made her and so on. It ended up getting very intense emotionally come spring 2020.

    I told her I had feelings for her and wanted to know if she felt the same. Wow that did not go well!! She let me know what I had already thought I knew before things started heating up but that she was straight. I bowed out as gracefully as I could, and then Covid hit. We only saw each other via Zoom, of course, and we kept up our communication. Things were still kind of not back to normal when at the end of summer she purchases her and I tickets for a balloon ride.

    Of course I'm like weird but sure. We hadn't been really the best of buds since what I was ever so affectionately calling The Lecture from the spring. So this came out of the blue.

    We went and then she pulled away again. Very little communication. She like vanished. Then in November I got Covid. Suddenly she's back involved. Says she started dating this guy, turned out to be only one date, but you know whatever. And now she was wanting to get together and spend more time with each other. We had things planned around Christmas when guess what she vanishes again.

    Then in March she is back. We hadn't seen each other for like 6 months so she wants me to come over. This in now April. I go we were having a great time. I don't drink but she does and down went an entire bottle of wine in like 2 hours. I couldn't stay late because I do have kids and I was leaving and we hugged, you know the I want to kiss you kind of hug. Knowing she was really feeling tipsy I just get out of that and get ready to leave.

    Now she asks if I could spend the night. I said Yeah because that would go over well. This was at 8:30 pm....

    Then she vanishes for a couple of weeks. Comes back and she wants to go out again. It had a date feel but again remembering The Lecture I keep everything friendly. Over the next few times I see her she is getting more affectionate.

    I'm like ok I need to know where I stand in this. I ask her more or less where do we stand here? Much more eloquently of course.

    This time it went very bad. She became very vehement via text. Told me she only likes men, she isn't wired this way (very rude in my book to say that), said she asked me to stay on the couch that night and that she acts like this with all her friends. Remember I've known her for 4 years.

    I stand up for myself of course. Let her know her berating of me was uncalled for and just to go back to the sleepover example, I said it was completely out of context for her to have said couch in reference to me not even drinking and at 8:30 at night. We are in our 40's by the way.

    Now here we are. She is semi in my life. Hasn't completely vanished this time and says once again she wants to maintain friendship.

    Idk this woman is making me insane. Of course I have to be in love with her. I just don't understand why we can't let each other go. I can't seem to walk away from her and vice versa.

    Idk if she is confused about her sexuality or is just... I have no freaking clue other than I cannot figure this out.

    So there it is. Any advice/insight? Any help would be a gift!!
     
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  2. QuietPeace

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    It does sound to me as if she is really struggling against her own sexuality. The thing is that pressuring someone into coming out when they are not ready will only make them dig in their heels more. If in fact she is not straight and is struggling to try to come out, are you willing to wait however long it takes her? Are you also willing to keep accepting this behavior from her until she does come out?

    Another possibility is that she is straight but the two of you have crossed signals. I have had this difficulty with people a number of times in my life. People have told me that certain things that I do without any intent are read as flirting and my being interested when all I was doing was being friendly. I have also had the issue with more than one person where I was sure that they were flirting with me but when asked they indicated that they were not interested in me that way (in at least two cases they were out as WLW so I know that it was not a closet type problem).

    I do not think that simply saying "I am not wired that way is" rude. If a man comes on to you would it be rude for you to tell him that you are not wired that way?
     
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  3. MistyMorn

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    Thanks for your reply!

    No I wouldn't say that to someone just because I find it belittling, but that's just me. The rest of the text was very fired up which is where the berating really was in play.

    It certainly isn't or will be my intention to force her to do anything with her sexuality. If anything I've really tried to make it a point to respect that she may be struggling, and one reason I had asked this second time. Maybe I went about it all wrong, clearly I guess. I don't know quite how to explain it. It's like this whole thing is so up and down drastically that I don't want to be the person she feels took advantage of any kind of situation or rejects her. I feel I'm walking a tightrope in a way trying to find our balancing point. Does that make sense?

    I think it's been hard on both sides. I do tend to be flirtatious myself and completely understand where you are coming from. I have thought about that too, a lot.

    I wouldn't have even brought it up if it weren't for that night at her house. Would have continued to blow it off, but it just was one of those things I needed to know. I do feel horrible for asking her about it and I don't want to continue being in these situations with her. And I'm sure you know my next comment but I also don't want to just walk away...

    I should also mention that out of all the people currently in my life, I have only come out to 3 and she is one of them. I had been open to others in my past but that is a completely other story.
     
    #3 MistyMorn, Jun 7, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2021
  4. PatrickUK

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    I think she is struggling with her sexual identity. When you revealed your feelings for her and asked where things stand, I suspect it spooked her and provoked the bad reaction.

    Very few people are 100% straight, but most people who are predominantly attracted to the opposite sex go through life without ever considering their sexuality, unless a question is asked of them. It's only when that question is asked, that some people begin to really examine their feelings and it can lead to a lot of discomforting rumination. I wonder if that's what's happening here? For the entirety of her marriage your friend maybe didn't give a second thought to her sexual identity, but since you posed the question she is having to work through it all and can't handle it. She probably senses a change in her feelings and flirts with the idea of something more intimate, but then becomes overwhelmed by the idea. It's actually a common thing in friendships between hitherto straight people and their gay friends. Our openness about our sexuality sometimes brings up questions they had never considered or had put to bed years earlier. It forces them to confront questions about precisely how straight they are and sometimes we find ourselves on the receiving end of resentment because of that. It's almost like they blame us for lighting a fire.

    It's really for you to decide if you can tolerate the on/off nature of things. Personally, I would not get invested in the idea of anything more than friendship because this could go on for some time.
     
  5. SteveBi45

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    This is how I started to question my sexuality. In my late teens, a gay friend of mine said he thought I might be gay. Until then I had really never considered it as my main attraction was to women. My first reaction was also total dismissal of the idea, but I kept coming back to his question over and over again. This in combination with attractions, fantasies and feelings for men over the years helped me, but it took over 20 years for me.
     
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  6. MistyMorn

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    This is what I'm really afraid of because putting all else aside I do really care about her on all levels.i hate seeing her in pain or thinking of her in any kind of anguish. I lose sleep over this situation and facing losing her as a friend above all else
     
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  7. MistyMorn

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    I've known since I was in elementary school, but have come in and out so many times I think the hinges on the door are broken lol

    The last time I just got scared. Dated a little and told all my friends, then something bad happened and I literally cut all contact with everyone and moved out of the area. Went through marriage #2 and now have 4 amazing kids and now been reaching out again over the last few years ever so cautiously
     
  8. QuietPeace

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    With me it was my gender identity. I knew that I was a girl when I was very young (around 3 or 4) but still I let society, church and family dictate my life. I got into two heteronormative marriages which was really bad for everyone involved. Finally after being in and out of the closet a couple of times I started living as my true self in my mid 40s. Even though living as my true self has been really difficult it was absolutely worth it. I encourage you to try.
     
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  9. Jo Hannah

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    This is where I think I was, thanks for posting, it’s been a year since I was in that situation and I am still struggling to come to terms with the change in my identity, but I’m here on this forum and that’s a start, reading other people’s views does help me so much too.

    MistyMorn it sounds like we are both struggling with the loss / change of a friendship, mine was similar except I had thought we were both straight and misread her attempts for years. I feel like your story is so relatable, but I don’t have any pearls of wisdom to offer, just that I hope it gets easier, I do agree with pretty much everything PatrickUK said that hit home for me.
     
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  10. Love2sleep

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    Firstly, I’m sorry you are in this situation. Maybe she is scared of her true feelings for you and accepting she has feelings for a woman. Awfully difficult to gage what she is thinking or feeling. It is never nice to be in love with someone whom blows hot and cold with you, or takes out their frustrations on you in a negative way.
    I have someone in my life who vanishes, reappears for a few months and goes again when things become intense. She too has been nasty at times but always regrets her actions - this may be months down the line mind you. I have come to terms that we will never be together, no matter how long she stays for she will always vanish. It’s the vanishing I cannot deal with. It’s tiring and frustrating. Yet I know I love her and probably always will. I hope you both work out what it is you have and how you move forward.
    Keep your head up and don’t let it get you down too much. Enjoy the time you do spend together and I wish you the very best of luck!
     
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  11. MistyMorn

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    Yes thank you for your support! It is one of the most awful things to go through!
     
  12. Love2sleep

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    It isn’t nice at all. Leaves you in limbo a lot of the time.. I would much rather they never came back instead of reappearing and then vanishing constantly. Maybe it’s my fault as I let them continue to do so, I should say enough is enough and cut all ties. Block, delete and block. It’s just doing it!
     
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  13. MistyMorn

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    Yep! I don't delete anything though.... Too sentimental I guess ugh...
     
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  14. Love2sleep

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    I never did. Until recently as I need to move forward.
     
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  15. Bi Wolf

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    She will know what she is in the end. Just try to be encouraging and show your support, don't drag her kicking and screaming out if the closet and try not to project, she could just be straight.
     
  16. MistyMorn

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    Exactly.... I don't want to give the impression I'm trying to force anything or assume anything. That's why I posted because I don't know whether I'm coming or going at times with this. It's all just frustrating and we go from talking to not and back round again... Such a roller coaster ride but not ready to stop and get off and thats on me
     
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  17. GrumpyOldLady

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    I've had experiences like that in the past that dragged on like that forever. I hate to say this but when there's that much going back and forth it usually doesn't end well in my experience.

    She might be being completely honest with you and doesn't think of you that way, it's often easy to misread people when we're a little infatuated with them, it's happened to me a few times. Even if she does have feelings it sounds like she's not ready to face them or act on them so it's probably better to mentally take that option off the table (easier said than done, I know!). It might be worth it to do some internal reflection and decide how important the friendship really is to you because it sounds like the situation is causing you a lot of pain and frustration
     
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  18. Love2sleep

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    Great advice! I have suggested this and hope you take it up. Spend some time thinking about you and your needs rather than waiting for her to either validate your emotions or to tell you straight (no pun intended!) that she does not have those reciprocal feelings. Be kind to yourself and concentrate on self love for a while. Things will become clear in time.
     
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  19. MistyMorn

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    Update:

    Just wanted to post an update! We're talking again and working things out. I feel we can regain our friendship which is the most important thing of all :slight_smile:
     
    #19 MistyMorn, Jul 6, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2021
  20. old tacoma

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    @MistyMorn - I read your original post with a lot of interest. My situation is similar, and yet also different. But I understand fully what you must be living through, the on/off, here today gone tomorrow, sense of limbo, uncertainty, the just not seeming to know what’s next.
    I could write a long post about my friend, B. But I have written before about him, and that’s enough. In the final analysis, I know that I care for him as my best friend, and I love him. On many levels. Probably I always will. I don’t see any other way for me to look at him. Today as we were walking together, he asked for my help moving some potted plants around his yard. So after we finished walking, I did. Just a simple request and just a simple response. But I truly enjoy being with him for any reason. I took the opportunity to comment about how healthy his Pothos plants are. It’s a very common plant - grows outdoors here and many people on the mainland grow it indoors. My friend says it’s one of the few plants that he can grow. I have never told him the irony behind what he says. You see, the Pothos plant is named after a little known minor Greek god named Pothos, the god of unrequited love. It sure seems to fit with my situation with my friend, B!
     
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