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Came out to Spouse

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Ph0eNiX21, Jul 5, 2021.

  1. Ph0eNiX21

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    Not out at all
    Well it’s been 11 days since I told my husband I’m gay and my life has drastically changed....

    I had been preparing myself for weeks, trying to work up the courage to tell him. I had finally decided that I would write down everything I wanted to say to him just so I could have a clear picture of how I wanted to express everything I wanted to say to him before I actually brought the conversation up. Well literally the same day I had written everything down, I hid the note (I didn’t want him to find it until I was ready to have the conversation), and took my daughter to a Girl Scout meeting. While I was gone, he somehow found the note and called my parents and brother outing me to them (at this time I had not come out to anyone in my family). By the time I returned home everything had changed and I was prepared for none of it.

    Of course I had no choice but to have the conversation now.......

    He was devastated, heartbroken, and angry. In the moment a part of me wished I could take it all back and go back to how things were before, but a huge part of me knew that was impossible. Going back now would mean back to hiding this part of myself which had already led me to struggling greatly with depression. I couldn’t take keeping it in any longer which is what led me to writing the note in the first place. Although I wasn’t ready to face this all now, I knew beforehand I was going to have to come out to him soon because I could no longer take the sadness, loneliness, isolation, fear, and all around pressure I was dealing with every second of every day. I guess the universe could feel my hesitation and struggle because he found the note and now that it was out there was no going back.

    As sad as I was to see him sitting across from me crying at the realization that our marriage was coming to an end, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelming angry and hurt that he took it upon himself to tell my family!! I wanted to tell my parents on my own time and in my own way and he stole that from me. That’s not something I can ever get back........

    I had been fearing telling my parents (who are very religious) because I feared they would reject me. I’m very close to them and was afraid our relationship would change for the worse. Thankfully they reacted NOTHING like I had thought they would and have actually been quite accepting and even a bit remorseful that they never made me feel that I could be my authentic self all along. Even though they have shown me love and acceptance since my husband told them, I still can’t help but feel heartbroken and betrayed that he told them.....

    The day after all of that happened, myself and my daughters went out of state to visit and stay with my brother. I really needed to just get away. We’ve been here for 10 days now and will be going back home in a couple of days. Being away has given me time to think about what I want and what’s next for me. My husband wants to stay together and work things out and just make it work but I know deep down no matter how much I care for him, staying in this marriage will only bring misery and sadness to me and him. He may not be able to see it now, but he deserves to be with someone who loves and desires him the same way that he does me, and that’s not something I’ll ever be able to give him. A big part of me knows this is what I have to do in order for me to ever feel whole and happy, but I also have so much fear that I’m making the wrong decision, and guilt that I’m causing him so much pain. I can only pray that in time we will both be in a better place.
     
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  2. Love2sleep

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    Hello and welcome ;0)
    Gosh you really have been through the ringer! You are just in your anger towards your husband for outing you as coming out is a personal journey that you own and nobody, regardless of how close they are to you, has the right to take that decision. Thankfully your parents have been great and along with your brother will give you the support you need.
    I think you’re correct I’m not going back into the closet, that will not serve you any purpose and make you feel more depressed then you already do. Be strong as you’ve got this!
    Yes, your husband is going to be devastated as his world in theory has been turned upside down and he his probably trying to grab onto whatever remains of your relationship he can, to prevent the inevitable happening. As much as this is painful for you to watch and the sadness you both feel can be overwhelming, you are doing the right thing. Staying together will not make you less gay and it will prevent him from finding happiness in the long term.
    Whatever choices you make remember we as a community are here for you. Stay strong, you’ve got this.
     
    Ph0eNiX21 likes this.
  3. MikeL1962

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    Some people
    This is temporary, been there done that and every once in a while I reflect on how bad things would have been if we had stayed together. This too shall.pass.
     
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  4. I'm gay

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    I am five years post coming out. Although I wasn't outed to my family like you were, I do know all about how difficult that conversation was with your husband. Please know that what it looks like five years later is so different than being in the moment. Things will get better.
     
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