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Married but wanting more

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by GrumpyOldLady, Jul 3, 2021.

  1. GrumpyOldLady

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    I recently just had my first real and acknowledged crush on a woman and it's got me to thinking about my marriage. My husband knows that I am bisexual and like girls (although to be honest I think it's more that I'm biromantic but gynesexual), he is however not willing to have an open relationship. Although we had that discussion a few years back I doubt he's changed his mind.

    He's pretty much asexual and I'm not particularly interested either, so we have sex very rarely, we're talking maybe once every few years because it's just too much effort for both of us for something we don't enjoy all that much. In fact I think I've had two sexual encounters in my whole life with men that I actually enjoyed, the rest were pretty meh.

    Until now I've been ok with the status quo. We get along ok for the most part, he tends to want to spend more time with me than I'd like because I tend to be introverted and enjoy time by myself more than he does. He also tends to be very pessimistic which brings me down a lot and has a tendency to nag at me until I give in and do what he wants. The Covid lockdown and certain serious problems that we're having with our child don't help the situation very much, of course. I'm spending more time with him and the friction between us is greater because it's hard for me to take a break and we clash over our child's problems quite often. Still, it's a lot of effort to dissolve a marriage with all of the social and financial ties that belong with it and I've been with him for over 20 years so he's family and just there, besides I don't really want to hurt him.

    Now that I've experienced feelings for women I'm starting to wonder if I really want to spend the rest of my life without being able to experience sensuality with someone I'm actually attracted to. I've had small crushes on some men during my marriage but they weren't particularly sexual so I didn't really feel an urge to do anything about it.

    I don't really want to get divorced, and I don't know if I'd find anyone new anyway, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject of an open marriage again. It makes it worse that we have this tension between us and he wants more affection and attention than I want to give him, because I think it make him less likely to be willing to consider it.

    Has anyone been successful at negotiating an open marriage agreement with their spouse for the purpose of exploring their sexuality? How did you approach the subject?
     
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  2. MistyMorn

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    I'm in the same position. I haven't been intimate with my husband over 9 years and am absolutely fine with that!! He has his own place in the house and I have mine. We have a number of kids though and I just can't see how we would divorce at this point and it might get nasty just because he is so passive agressive. But I want to know how to approach an open marriage as well. Keep everything discreet but something has got to give. I'll be following this closely
     
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  3. Artsymonaduende

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    Your story is very similar to mine, haven’t been intimate with my hubby for years but due to our kids and the financial/family ties a divorce doesn’t seem on the table at the moment …
    I tried to broach the concept of an open marriage once but he wasn’t really happy about that so we’re still stuck….
    I’ll be following this closely to see if others fared better or have an idea how to solve it
     
  4. Love2sleep

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    I’m not married and openly out as a lesbian. Which leads me to think I wouldn’t be the best person to give advice here. Yet, I want you lovely lot to know I may not have any advice except continue to be the best version of you and remember you are not alone. I can listen and give you encouragement or simply just listen. I wish all of you the very best of luck!
     
  5. GrumpyOldLady

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    Update: I had a discussion with my spouse and he wants to stay married because we're at least friends and roommates, he's not sure about the other stuff but he seems to be willing to think about it so we'll see.
     
  6. Love2sleep

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    How do you feel now? Let me know how things are and of course as always giving you plenty of light and love.
     
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  7. Jo Hannah

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    Hi.. Sounds like you have make some progress, thinking of you must be very difficult to navigate all the emotions, sending virtual hugs your way :hugging:
     
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  8. GrumpyOldLady

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    Thank you for the kind words!

    Nothing new yet, I'm waiting for things to settle down a little so he and I can discuss it calmly. I'm also in the process of letting go of my crush feelings for my friend because it was causing me to act like a jealous lovesick teenager :laughing: and it's hard to maintain a friendship that way. I don't know what might be in store for me but I do know there's a part of life that I've been missing and I don't really want to miss it any longer.
     
  9. Love2sleep

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    Waiting until the dust settles is always a good thing and will give you both a chance to win calmly discuss when the heat is out of the frying pan. Well done on letting go of negative thoughts, they will not serve you well in the long run. You're doing amazing!
     
  10. GrumpyOldLady

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    This is still a bit of a struggle for me...I feel lonely without the benefit of at least being alone and there isn't really anyone I can talk to about this, it's way too heavy for most casual friends, younger or non-queer friends don't understand it, and many of my real life friends are "couple" friends that came with my marriage and were friends with him first.

    Sometimes I wonder if my queer awakening came because I was unhappy in my marriage and am using it as a convenient excuse, but then I think maybe because I've been trying to convince myself my whole life that they're not real that I think that. And while I've never been particularly into sex with my husband I did love him after a fashion or at least like him a lot, it's grown less over the years for a variety of reasons and is making me question if I really want to stay with him at all but it's such a huge scary step to make.

    My crush hit me at a very low point in my marriage, when I was feeling unhappy and trapped. I don't think it happened just because of that but I might have been more open/vulnerable to it. I do know it took me by surprise so I didn't manage to stop it before the feelings got intense. There are logistical problems involved with doing anything about it and I doubt my crush would be interested, but if these barriers weren't present I'd be very tempted to have an affair -- it almost felt that way as it was because of the intensity of my emotions and the amount of time I was spending with her. I don't really like feeling like a cheater, I always broke up with my boyfriends in the past when I started seriously thinking about other people but this is much harder because there's just so much more to unravel.

    I guess this is mostly a vent and I think there are probably a couple of people who feel the same way here at least so it helps me feel less alone.
     
  11. old tacoma

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    @GrumpyOldLady — Trust me, you are not alone. There are many of us in similar circumstances. Be patient with yourself.
     
  12. Paul101

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    @GrumpyOldLady - Leaving a marriage is a big deal, more so if kids are involved, and not one to be taken lightly. It took me three years from the point I realised it was over until I did anything about it. Then from sitting down and having that talk it took another two years to get all the legal and emotional stuff out of the way. It was hard, emotionally and financially, but I never faltered and each day that past I felt better and stronger. There were set backs and expensive lessons along the way, but ten years on I look back on the me I was before, and it makes me cry to think how wretched my life was.
    It wasn't until I was truly free and had spent a couple of years alone that I was able to find the real me. That was when, to my genuine astonishment, I realised I was gay. If I hadn't have taken the decision to leave I would never have known, nor be the man I am today.
    I live a very humble and happy life and my two kids eventually came and lived with me, as soon as they were able to leave their mother.
    I am just beginning to explore my new sexuality and every day I am grateful that I found the courage to do the thing that was right for me, not the thing that was easy.
    There are many people like you and I suspect a few of your friends are probably feeling something similar too. We spend our time hiding behind a veneer of happiness and surround ourselves with people, yet we feel so alone and sad.

    If you look inside you will see the right thing for you. You don't have to do anything about it, but just recognising and accepting it is a first step.

    This was supposed to be supportive and helpful, but turned into a bit of a vent for me, so thank you for prompting it. Your words struck a real chord with me. x
     
    #12 Paul101, Jul 19, 2021
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2021
  13. GrumpyOldLady

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    Actually your words were helpful, but I'm also glad I struck a chord with you. It's good to hear about someone who managed to get through this successfully. To be honest I cry now about how wretched my life is, Covid has made it worse but it's been building up for a long time.
     
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  14. Paul101

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    Crying is not a bad thing, it clears out some of those stress hormones. I was brought up never to show any weakness by crying, and it is a real curse.

    Hope you're holding up ok. If you want to talk more I'm happy to answer any questions you might have.

    Take care x
     
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  15. Tikimon20

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    I'm interested in the same thing. I've been married for almost 20 years and want to keep the marriage together and an open marriage might help us. Over the years I've quietly met men on business trips to satisfy my cravings, but I never felt the need to to come out to anyone until recently when I found a guy I liked sharing slow kisses with. I'll be watching this thread.
    Thank you for sharing your story
     
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  16. Paul101

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    @GrumpyOldLady - Hope you're ok, I was just wondering how's things are going with you at the moment?
     
  17. GrumpyOldLady

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    Hi Paul! Thanks for asking...I haven't done much yet on the marriage front but am looking into counseling to help work through whatever steps are necessary. By now I'm pretty convinced I'm more lesbian than bi and I really feel a need to explore this aspect of myself.

    I did manage to let go of my current crush, for various reasons it was necessary because a relationship would have been very difficult to manage even if she were interested and I'd rather keep the friendship I have with her. However, I'd really like to meet women with whom a physical relationship is possible and see if something develops, but for that I have to work it out with my husband first.
     
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  18. Paul101

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    Sound like you have a direction now, and have already taken some momentous and difficult steps. You have the courage to face this, even if it does feel scary. Sending good wishes to you. I feel like I am reaching another turning point in my journey, and I am quaking in my boots.

    x
     
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  19. Jo Hannah

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    @GrumpyOldLady sound like your turning a corner, my therapy has been so good at helping me move forward and my hypnotherapy has given me the resolve to resist going backwards, I hope you can keep up this positivity. My journeys been a few steps forward and one back but I am so much better that when I first joined EC if I can offer support i’m happy too.

    @Paul101 .. why the quaking in your boots ?
     
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  20. GrumpyOldLady

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    I have seen some progress on this front...I made an appointment to see an LGBT therapist and I also had a serious talk with my husband and he's willing to open things up so we'll just have to take things as they come, possibly with the help of couple's therapy to help work out the details.
    I might look into joining an online dating site, just to meet some new people and see what develops although I think I'll probably take things slow for now.