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Depressed and lonely, especially from not having a girlfriend

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by LonelyEyesMark, Jul 2, 2021.

  1. LonelyEyesMark

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    I have been banned from three different forums within the last few months and it’s really made me feel more alone than ever before. I remembered I had an account on here. I am not LGBT but I go through similar struggles due to being on the autism spectrum. I also have a friend who is a lesbian and she is one of the few female friends I have in person.

    This year has also been bad ever since it began. I didn’t get an interview for a job that I hoped would be my escape from the one I’ve had since high school. There was supposed to be a speed dating event in my area that I hoped would’ve been more productive than using dating apps because those never work for me but it got delayed a few times and was eventually cancelled. I’ve tried attending Meet Up groups and volunteering to make new friends and do different things but I end up still getting pushed to the wayside socially and the volunteering events are unproductive.

    All four of my siblings are married and have children of their own. One of them had a new baby come into his family two months ago and the wife of another announced her pregnancy recently. Me? I can’t even get a coffee date no matter what I do or how hard I try. I feel like I am the only person who doesn’t have a significant other and I am at the age (I am 32) where I should be in at least a long term relationship but I am so far behind others in my age group. My depression has gone from bad to worse and I feel like committing suicide constantly.
     
  2. LilLady9

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    Hello @Markness,

    I'm sorry you're feeling depressed and lonely. It seems like you're trying to make a positive change though so I'm happy to hear that!

    One piece of advice I can offer you is to not compare yourself to others. If anything, compare yourself to who you were yesterday.

    Is your depression solely about not being in a relationship? If not, I suggest you create a daily schedule and incorporate a few things into it: getting regular exercise, getting sun, meditating, taking vitamins, eating healthy, listening to motivational videos on YouTube, reading books, keeping your room clean, stretching, etc.

    I was feeling depressed there for awhile and ever since I incorporated these things into my daily schedule I have been feeling much better!

    Best wishes!
     
  3. LonelyEyesMark

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    Thank you for replying.

    I keep getting up after getting knocked down but I don’t know how much more I can do it. Things just refuse to change for me and it doesn’t help that I live in an area that is backwards. It’s not in the middle of nowhere but religion is still interconnected with the culture. The ideals on what a heterosexual male should be like is also messed up. If you aren’t pumping iron until your muscles burst, driving dangerously, smoking until your nostrils burn or you smell like cigarettes, drinking cheap beer until you pass out or vomit, listening to either pop country or mainstream rap music depending on your demographic, obsessing over guns, and calling women derogatory terms, you are either a wimp or even thought to be gay.

    It’s not the sole reason why I am depressed. I am also sad that my musical, drawing, writing, and other creative ambitions have fallen and smashed on the ground because I was bullied, my family didn’t support me, and the “friends” I used to have sabotaged me as well. But I do feel sad the most about not having a girlfriend. I want someone next to me in my bed instead of sleeping alone and to share special moments with. I also feel put out that my siblings succeeded while I failed. :frowning2:
     
  4. Ludo

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    Hello from another autist
     
  5. SteveBi45

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    It sounds like your environment and the people around you are preventing you from being yourself. Until you can be yourself it is very difficult for you to be happy and happy with who you are.

    in order to find love you need to love yourself first.

    Do you have the possibility to change your environment and circle of friends? Is it a possibility for you to move away somewhere that’s not so backward?
     
  6. LonelyEyesMark

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    Hi! I used to be a member of both [name of forum] and [name of forum] but they banned me. I am temporarily banned from another forum.
     
    #6 LonelyEyesMark, Jul 3, 2021
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 18, 2021
  7. Ludo

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    Why, what happened ? :slight_smile:
     
  8. LonelyEyesMark

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    I was indoctrinated into Christianity (Church of Christ specifically but I never made the distinction from other branches of Christianity until much later on.) and was constantly told things like “Don’t do this, don’t do that!” and “The Bible should be your guide!” as well as told the dangers of pre-marital sex, drugs, alcohol, and rock music. Whenever I was sad, I was belittled by being told “You don’t live in Africa!” and gaslighted by being told “God has a plan for you so quit being sad!” among other cliches.

    I have better friends than I used to have but getting out of my environment is another story. I make only poverty level income and my mother refuses to help me. She bought my siblings their own homes, paid for their college tuitions, and still spends on them today while constantly rejecting me.
     
  9. LonelyEyesMark

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    I was banned from one forum because I didn’t bow down to certain people there and was told by others I was an “incel” for being depressed about not having a girlfriend. Another forum is run by a couple who are tyrannical.
     
  10. Ludo

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    How does it help you?
    I mean getting banned. I inderstand refusing to bow down, but sometimes being right is not the way to happiness...
     
  11. chicodeoro

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    Markness, sorry to hear that things aren't going too well. Reading your post reminds me that at various stages of my life I have felt like you do now. It's horrible to feel the rest of the world are in fantastic relationships and you aren't.

    It sounds like there are a number of things you're dissatisfied with - your present environment, lack of friends and a lack of a relationship. I'd start by working on the first two. If you get those sorted you're going to be in a much better place to be ready for a relationship.

    I'd ask yourself what exactly do you want to do with your life and where do you want to live? And then start thinking about how you you're going to get there. Think strategically. What extra qualifications might you need? Where might you obtain these? How do you put yourself in situations where you might meet people who could end up as friends?

    Has she given a reason why she has helped your siblings and not you?
     
  12. LonelyEyesMark

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    I didn’t want to get banned but the staff on these forums saw me as a nuisance so it doesn’t help me.
     
  13. LonelyEyesMark

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    I honestly don’t know what I want to do with my life. I can’t decide on a career path because I’ve been told every kind requires a good amount of mathematical knowledge and I have dyscalculia so this sets me at a disadvantage from the get go. I couldn’t get a math tutor at college because they were only available when I had to go to work and they refused to change their hours. College was also disappointing because I kept seeing couples in the classes and no women looked my way so I had to drop out. I sometimes feel like I should’ve killed myself back then so I wouldn’t be suffering today.

    I wanted to move to Austin because it has a different environment than my area. You can be whoever you want to be there and you won’t get harassed for it like what happens here. I don’t have a college degree, make only poverty level income, and don’t have a wide social network. The only college I can afford is the one in my city that’s been disappointing to attend, I can’t get a higher paying job because I don’t have a degree, and my attempts to widen my social network have failed. My dream to move there has fallen and smashed on the ground similar how my dream to find love has been destroyed. :disappointed_relieved: I am 32 and the doors are being locked so I have no faith in time.

    She’s told me it’s because I am “disabled” and will never be self-sufficient.
     
  14. Mirko

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    Hi there! I'm sorry to read about your experiences so far. Remember you know where your strengths are and what you would like to achieve.

    It might be worthwhile to trying to regroup as it were and think about what would you like to achieve first. Sometimes, when try to achieve too many things at once, we don't do well, because our energy, concentration isn't focused enough.

    There a lot of careers that don't require you to be excelling at mathematics. If math isn't your strong suit, that's okay. Try to look into a path that doesn't require math and see if something is in there that you like.

    I know at least one person who has autism, and they are doing amazing things. You can achieve things too - it might be a matter of finding out what works best for you.

    Have you had a chance to speak with a education/career counsellor who specializes in working with learners who have autism?
     
  15. chicodeoro

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    Really? I think you're going to have to get over this - perhaps annoyingly, the world is full of couples. And always will be.

    I would focus on how you're going to get your degree, which will open up a far greater choice of employment opportunities. I feel fairly certain that Mirko is right and not every US degree program requires maths. Think about what sort of career you'd love, or at least what sort of job you'd be able to do?

    Not at all! It's just had a setback. Many many times when we're climbing a mountain or trying to find our way to somewhere or undertaking a difficult project of any kind we have setbacks. So we have to take stock, re-group and start afresh. This is all that has happened here. I know you probably feel as if you're ancient at 32. You're not. In terms of your whole career, your whole life you're still near the start. Many people don't start to sort their s**t out until their mid 30s, late 30s or even later.

    Beth
     
  16. LonelyEyesMark

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    Yes, there were couples in all of the courses and I saw them in the hallways as well. When I tried to engage with women, I was either ignored or given “fuck off” signals. Couples are very common in my area. I see teen and adult couples everywhere while I am usually alone. I am told I have to be okay with myself first before I can have a relationship and for a moment I will tell myself that but then I’ll see couples wherever I go and it makes me wonder “Why them and not me?” so I will be sad again. I don’t know how I can get past seeing couples. It hurts seeing them when I want love so much but it feels unreachable to me. :disappointed:

    I honestly wanted to be a paleontologist when I was a child but I was bullied and hazed for my interest in dinosaurs as well as other prehistoric creatures. My father suggested an animal vet career instead but jammed into my head that it would require knowing a lot of math. After I struggled with even pre-algebra, I ruled out ever going down that path. I honestly can’t decide what I want to do or even could do. :disappointed_relieved:

    Has my dream for love been set back as well?
     
  17. LonelyEyesMark

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    I haven’t.
     
  18. Mirko

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    I would encourage you to try finding someone, then. :slight_smile:

    Based on what you have mentioned above, have you thought about related fields to paleontology? Some related occupations can be found in museum research, museum collections. If you feel that it is something that still interests you, it would be worthwhile to explore and look at possibilities.
     
  19. LonelyEyesMark

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    I volunteered at a museum twice recently but both times were disappointing. The people there were mostly older people and the younger women were below legal age. I also can’t volunteer again until late in August because the museum is doing summer programs for kids and my work schedule doesn’t allow me to help.
     
  20. Mirko

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    I'm not sure what the age of other volunteers has to do with your volunteering efforts. It's great that you are volunteering in something that it related to your interests however I would suggest not to go into it with a set of expectations.

    I have volunteered for a number of organisations that had volunteers from different age groups and that was never an issue because I went into it with either wanting to give back or gaining new skills or using skills, the knowledge I have.

    On the one hand, I understand why you feel a sense of disappointment; on the other, the break in volunteering can also serve as an opportunity to look forward to the time when you can volunteer again.

    If you don't mind me asking, what were your expectations, when you started volunteering in the museum?