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Married, Queer, Stuck

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by KhaleesiBC, Jun 28, 2021.

  1. KhaleesiBC

    Regular Member

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    Lesbian
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    Not out at all
    Hi! I’m a 40 year old cis-woman who identifies as queer/gay but am currently closeted. I’ve been married to my partner for 10 years. We’ve been together for nearly 12. When we met, I identified as straight and they used he/him pronouns. Recently they came out as non-binary femme but still present as very masculine (beard etc). About 3 years ago now I realized I am gay and that my attraction to my partner was not physical but emotional and mental. I initially told them and the result was the worst fight of my life… we almost broke up but then… didn’t. I went back into the closet. There have been several more close calls I guess but I keep hopping back into the closet because honestly they are my best friend. I like our life and we are a great team. The problem is they are always questioning if I am sexually attracted to them, if I really love them. Another stress factor is that they have a very high sex drive and I do not. They are very demanding sexually and even if they are okay with not having sex that say they still want me to be with them and help them orgasm even when I just want to go to sleep and if I don’t join them for this I feel guilty. I feel constantly under pressure every night and morning to be sexual or sensual even when I don’t feel up for it, when I am exhausted from homeschooling our autistic son or working or just life.
    I am so tired and not sure how to proceed. I don’t want a divorce. I want them in my life and I like sharing life but I also feel like constantly staying in the closet and living in this weird in between is affecting my mental health and also theirs too. I feel stuck and helpless and don’t know what to do.
     
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  2. Really

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    Hey there.

    Welcome to EC! Hopefully, you’ll find some good support here.

    I’m just curious, why does your partner get to proclaim and embrace their identity/sexuality but you don’t? Seems a bit like a double standard to me but you obviously know your situation better.

    Anyway, stick around. Getting stuff off your chest is often the start to feeling better. :}
    Oh, and stay out of the heat. :sunny::fire::grimacing:
     
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  3. MistyMorn

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    I'm not sure how to start out other than voicing the same concern as Really did in why can you not express your sexuality just as they do? I can see where you would be especially frustrated with the whole thing and all the pressure of expectations much less life in general. I have a son in the lower 10th percentile autism plus all that health problems that goes with it and an Asperger's child and two other nuero typical kids so I get that part of life for sure. I wouldn't doubt that you have thought of it, but maybe a family therapist who specializes in LGBT+ issues? This is very heavy and sorry your dealing with it. You can always voice yourself here openly. I'm closeted as well and have found a lot of solace here.
     
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  4. Jakebusman

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    Hi Welcome I am Bi and married you can talk to me if it helps !
     
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  5. KhaleesiBC

    Regular Member

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    Thanks, all.
    My partner is very insecure so if I step fully out of the closet they assume it means I don’t want them in my life and get very upset. In previous arguments they’ve blamed me for “wasting their time” which is just so shitty. It’s not like I was trying to be deceptive. Instead I end up just suppressing myself.
    Tonight I lost my shit. It’s been a bad day. They came home from work and I asked for help with our son and they stayed on their phone and then when I said I’d be in the garden because I needed 5 mins to myself they got moody. I got so frustrated I went into the garage and just screamed… which helped for 5 seconds but I scared our son and now I feel even worse. My son and I had a good chat about how pent up feelings sometimes come out when you’re not expecting them to and we had a good hug and cry. My partner ended up telling me they want a break from us. Maybe. I don’t know what to do and I just feel really shitty. :/
     
  6. SteveBi45

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    It sounds like you’re in a very unhealthy relationship with a partner who controls everything. They’re dictating their choices before yours. This is not how relationships are supposed to work. It’s a two way street.

    as the others say they can be themselves but you have to stay in the closet. You can’t be yourself because they’re afraid you’ll leave, but now when they’re not comfortable they can decide to take a break.

    you say you can’t be yourself because you want your partner in your life, but I wonder why? How strong are the positives to put up with being so miserable?
     
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  7. SiennaFire

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    You must feel that it's unfair for them to be out while you are forced in the closet to keep the peace in the relationship. From what you've written, I suspect that the way forward involves recasting the relationship, empathy and vulnerability. When they blamed you for “wasting their time” have you considered the possibility that they are projecting their own doubts and insecurity? What do they want, especially as somebody who is recently out as non-binary femme? Since you both identify as LGBT/queer, have you considered ways to build common ground in your relationship?
     
    #7 SiennaFire, Jul 2, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2021
    KhaleesiBC likes this.