An adult trying to figure out his life

So here I am. 47, single and about to start exploring who I really am.
One might wonder, aren't you a little late with that my dear Ludo ?
Well, yes. You are absolutely right.
All I can say, is that I even surprised myself with this.

But, of course, there's always a "but" to a life's tale.

When I was a kid and later in early teens, I pretty much knew for sure I was a bisexual. Even told my parents back then but because ever since I've been in relationships with women, I'm pretty sure they believe I must have "outgrown that phase" or something.
And maybe even I believed that myself.

Last two years though, have been rough. Difficult, but worth it. Two years ago I simply came to a point where I just couldn't go on anymore. And that wasn't the first time I reached that point. So I took some drastic steps, got help and decided to change my life around.
Long story short, realised my alcoholproblem had grown out of proportions, my personality raised many questions and my relatiosnhips were just not what they should be in my opinion.
So I stopped drinking, got help, got diagnosed and now here I am, alomst two years sober (intending to stay so for many years to come !), diagnosed on the autist spectrum and trying to figure out what went wrong in mhy relational love life.

Ah well, what dídn't may be a better question !

All I can say is that throughout the years, I've ran into relations to run from loneliness. I didn't really understand the world or people i n it, so I didn't have much self-esteem or self-confidence.
And not much of a decent "me" concept what seems to be common in autism. We basically apply a shitload of social rules, adapt to them and call it a life. Looking back, I'd rather call it survive.

But anyway, recently I broke up with my lady after an 8 year relation and it's somewhat painful to realise part of me is relieved. I loved her, but something has never been what it should be. Just like in the relationships before that.
So I started wondering what it was. Long ago, I tried sex with a man twice but needed such amounts of alcohol, I blacked out once I hit his bed so nothing ever happened expect some extra dents in my self esteem, and some additional shame. And a belief that apparently, men love wasn't my thing.

But finally the fog is clearing and I'm starting to realise in my mind, it's not about male or female. Not about what's between the legs. But it's personality. I am attrackted to a person, not a gender. A pan.
Oh man, sometimes conclusions clear so much mess in a head leaving you wonder why it took you that long to realise.

I want to apologise in advance for any stupid things I may say that might be offensive to anyone. Believe me, that is not my intent but being an adult new to this, there probably is a lot I don't really understand about the wide spectrum of this rainbow community.
So my apologies if I ever say something thoughtless, stupid or hurtful - please explain me why it offends or hurts you, so I can think about it and learn from it.

Hope to learn a lot from you all

 

Oh, but I disagree to that. It doesn't take loads of experience with something, to teach others.
In my experience, simply by sharing some of the insecurities and questions we have, we allready learn a lot from one another.