How porn and the closet affects your sex life when you're eventually out

I have my story on here, but to recap, at 29 I stopped pretending being gay would "go away" someday, and embraced my identity. How I dealt with that as an adolescent through my 20's was.... Porn! It was such a safe way to experience something "sexual" with very low risks attached.

Now that I'm trying to actually date in my mid-30's, I've noticed some problems. Mainly, it's hard to get the level of excitement that porn provides the mind. It's more about observing sexual activities, whereas now I'm trying to participate. My brain just doesn't seem to know how to attach pleasure to the real thing? I've tried NoFap website, and have dramatically kicked my porn habit in the past 2 years, but is it enough... I'm not sure. I hear it requires about a year away from it, per each decade you were on it. Something like that-ish.

Does anyone have experiences where they've overcome this situation? Is it something I just need to accept, and let real sex be less exciting than the dopamine that porn scrolling provides? Or is there some form of practice I should be doing to bring that dopamine into real sex?

I'm in a new relationship with a guy (my first ever), and there's a lot of things that surprise me. Like, he's not the guy I'd look at in porn over the previous 20 years of being a porn addict. He's not even the race or body type I'd typically look at. But yet, I feel a sense of compatibility, shared interests, safety, and more with him. We enjoy life together, and hang out and text quite a bit. Our sexual experiences are enjoyable, but I definitely sometimes think about porn – either "other guys" I've seen that day, or memorized porn scenes from years ago. This makes me wonder if he's not "hot enough" for me, or if my mind just needs some work.

I jumped into the gay world by moving to a major city a few years ago. One thing that allowed me to do was find a lot of gay people for the first time in my life. Mostly for social events and learning about the "culture", but for a few hookups as well. No matter what the few guys I hooked up with looked like, or what I expected the sexual activity would be like, it felt like nothing compared to what browsing porn had always done for me. After a few years, I started thinking that the suppression of being in the closet, and the extreme focus on porn, has distorted my brain's view of sex.

At this point in my "gay career", if you will, I want to stop feeling like some "better sex partner" is out there, and instead focus on this guy I like in many ways, and learn how to enjoy sex with him. It's just hard to shake the thought when you see so many attractive guys in daily life!

Sometimes I think, well maybe if that cute guy at the airport happened to be gay, single, live in my city, and also be as awesome as my current boyfriend, maybe he'd be a better boyfriend?!

Is that a negativity trap? I'm pretty sure it's why I've been single in over 5 years of being out and trying to date. But I could be wrong, so seeking other experiences.

Thanks for anything you are willing to share!

 

Hey, I appreciate the reply even if just to know others face somewhat similar conflict.

After spending a lot of time trying out a highly LGBTQ area, and going to bars despite it not really being all that appealing to me, I can say, you're not missing anything. You could still go, as I think it's a good learning experience. You *may* meet someone there either to have a good chat with, or possibly a date (or hookup or whatever you want). I highly recommend spending a limited/budgeted amount of time on dating apps. Not because they're effective, but because most LGBTQ (and probably even most straight people these days) are on there. It's *a way* to learn about other men, and *a way* to explore more of your own feelings and learn what you like. I wasted too much time on them, so I want to emphasize not getting consumed by it. Create some sort of profile on one of them and try to find the diamonds in the rough. For reference, I never found more than a 1st date in bars or hookup apps, but I found my current boyfriend on Plenty of Fish. I also recommend #######.

I'm assuming you mean you would be bad right now because you've not figured things out yet. My advice: start doing something little like I mentioned above.

 

Definitely meet in public places. I mostly met the first time for coffee or at a public park with lots of people, etc. Don't give out your address or meet in a dark alley! Though I haven't heard stories like that, it is a risk

 

There are other ways to meet guys, I'm just suggesting that since it was my most common method, and it's good for practicing even if you don't really hit it off with any of them. I have some friends I met from dating apps, too!