I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, and he has been my friend for nearly 10 years. He has always been apart of my life since being a young teenager. I love and care about him to death, but I am a lesbian. It is something I have known all my life since being a young teenager, but I made a conscious effort to ignore it in hopes it would go away. I have always had crushes on guys since being about 11, but looking back I liked them until they showed actual interest in me, and then I would completely go off them, and they would repulse me. I always liked guys when they were unattainable, at a distance. I used to sext guys a lot, but looking back I started to think I might possibly be bisexual at about 13, and I would sometimes get a random thought in my head that I was gay, and I was confused why I thought that, so I ignored it. At about 15, I had my first crush on a girl at my school and it scared me to death, the way I felt about her was so intense, she was perfect. Later that year, I was still confused and I decided to start dating this other girl in secret, and when we kissed, it was like a switch flipped and I was very conscious and aware of my feelings for her, and it scared me so much I rejected her, pretended I was straight and made a promise to myself I would never delve any deeper in my female desires, and shut it off completely. A few months after that, I started dating my current boyfriend in attempt to make myself straight. He was my best friend, and he had a crush on me prior, so the relationship was very easy. However for the first few years he was distant, would ignore me a lot and flirt with other girls, and during this time my focus was purely on his attention and being a good girlfriend for him, desirable for him. I would have sex with him purely because I wanted him to want me, I wanted to feel wanted, not because I was attracted to him sexually. Over the years our relationship got better, and he changed his ways. We are currently in a serious relationship, due to buy a house together in the next two years. Things were going well, and for the most part I was preoccupied with goals I wanted to achieve in effort to ignore my sexuality. However last year I started a new job and I started getting a massive crush on this girl. The first second I saw her I was instantly attracted to her, she was my type down to a T. Her mannerisms, the way she spoke, the way she walked, her laugh, everything about her was wonderful. I was too shy to approach her, and when she would walk past me I used to feel so nervous and even faint because she was so amazing. After a few months I plucked up the courage and we started talking. We would send long messages, getting to know each other, she has a girlfriend who is long distance, and she is gay. I finally came out to her and she was so sweet, and we had one more thing in common. We often hang out outside work, going for coffee, walks, baking together, watching films. Being around her makes my life uncomplicated, everything makes sense when I'm with her, I am no longer confused. She makes me feel warm, happy, safe, protected, as if we are in a happy bubble together. She is everything I want, and I would very happily spend the rest of my life by her side. When I think about marriage with a man it makes me cringe, I feel embarrassed and I dread it. When I imagine marrying her, it feels right, happy and I want to show her off. The current issue is that I still live at home, I am currently at college and I am financially dependent on my parents. They are controlling, and so are my siblings. They are nosy, and are homophobic. No one knows about my friendship with my coworker and when we meet I always make up excuses as to who I'm meeting because they would find it very weird that I would meet up with a lesbian, and I am paranoid they would get suspicious. They have previously suspected I'm not straight when I was a teenager, and my family had the habit of reading my messages and looking at my internet history, and they all have Find My iPhone installed and track each other if they think we've been out for longer than necessary. My parents have had a history of cheating, and thus is where the distrust lies. I know I have to one day break up with my boyfriend, but I am so worried, and I don't want to hurt him. I love him with all of my heart, and he doesn't deserve any of this. He has low self-esteem as it is, and often questions my love for him, and if he ever knew the truth it would break him, and I would seriously worry for his mental health. I just hate having sex with him, it makes me cringe, I can never look at him, and I am so awkward and stiff. He deserves so much better, but my hometown is very close-knit, everyone knows everyone and I can't just leave. My family are very close, toxic and believe that anyone who moves cities are selfish. I feel trapped and I am starting to feel miserable. I can't keep ignoring this part of myself, but I don't know what to do. Everything feels incredibly overwhelming, and I don't want to hurt anyone in this process. I don't feel ready to come out to anyone and i'm not sure what to do.
Hello! My two cents: One thing to deal with is ending a relationship and another, very different, is coming out. I feel the longer you keep this going, the harder it will be for your boyfriend. I would break up with him. With a bit of tact. Honestly not sure how you can give him a reason without him feeling responsible as you say he has low self-esteem. In my experience, the people who have avoided hurting me have done the opposite while trying to sugar talk their way as to why we're not meant for each other...it was easier to know that there was someone else or that they just lost interest. It hurted my self-esteem. But at the end it helped me move on, but that's my perosnal experience. On the other hand... as you are in an environment in which you are not financially capable of being independent, you can hold out a bit longer until you can make sure your well-being is secured. Do you have a close friend that you can talk to? Take a few deep breaths and remember you have no contorl over how someon else feels.
I would agree that it would help to break up first so you are at least not having to perform sex with your boyfriend. Maybe you could say you are going to a very personal issue and can't discuss it right now. As for your family, you will know whether it's safe to come out now or after college. It's important to not be dependent on homophobic people, so whatever you can do to get financially secure will help. You could consider living on your own with a trusted friend(s), maybe closer to your college. And finally, what about that girl's long-distance girlfriend? It's nice you are getting along well, but you should check whether her relationship is supposed to be open or not. You might make some platonic lesbian friends, too.
