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Need advice on best friend & his ex

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by softbawl, Jun 21, 2021.

  1. softbawl

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    I’ll try to keep this as simple as possible. I’m looking for some thoughts on this situation.

    My best friend broke up with his long time boyfriend two months ago, at the time saying it was because their relationship had gone sour and they always ended up arguing when together. A week or two later he confessed to me that he had romantic feelings for me, and that this played a part in him deciding to break it off with his boyfriend. I told him I had feelings for him in the past but I put them aside since he was in a relationship, and that we should give it some time and see how we feel in a few months (and that’s going well). I can safely say we only ever spoke to one another as close, supportive friends and never with romantic subtext, so it was a surprise to hear his confession. Now he wants to tell his ex that he had feelings for me while they were together, in order to clear his mind and his conscience. He’s asked me if I’m okay with him doing that since I’m somewhat involved, and stressed that he won’t tell his ex anything I’ve said to him about my own feelings and situation.

    Honestly I’m fine with him doing that because it doesn’t (quite) involve me directly. But maybe I should raise some concerns too? I do wonder if it’s going to badly affect his ex, who was insecure about us being close friends while they were dating. This situation is bothering my friend, so I want him to feel alright, but I don’t want him to rile his ex up unnecessarily, which could result in his ex harassing him over text and calling as he has done in the past. (They live an hour or so apart, so I’m not worried about him physically harassing my friend.) Is it bad of me to think that, because their relationship is over, maybe it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t tell his ex this? Surely it’s going to cause more pain all around? Or is that only short term? He’s said he has only hate and resentment for his ex, and a small part of me wonders if telling his ex is a way of showing him they’re never going to reunite.

    Do I let him go ahead and do it? I feel like I ought to hold back any reservations I have, but I want him to be safe too; this ex drove him to the point of self harm when they were together, and the thought of him puts him in a bad mood now.

    Thanks in advance for your help, everyone. I’m here to answer any questions. It’s great to be back on EC; you lot were a big help years ago so I’m hoping you can give me some solid advice now!
     
  2. Aspen

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    At the end of the day, I think it's going to be his decision whether he tells his ex or not, but I don't think it's a good idea. It sounds like there was a lot of toxicity in that relationship and it's going to take time and distance (physically, mentally, and emotionally) for him to move on from that. I'm not sure there's anything much to be gained from your friend telling his ex that he had feelings for someone else during their relationship, especially when it might lead to additional toxic behavior and harassment.

    I'd also encourage your friend to seek professional help, if he isn't already.
     
  3. softbawl

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    Thanks, Aspen. That’s very helpful and I appreciate getting your input on this.

    My friend is already getting professional help fortunately, and he’s good at engaging with it. I will raise my issues with what he’s planning with him but, yes, I can’t stop him doing it. I will encourage him to talk to his therapist about this too.