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Curious, Confused, Concerned

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TanyaLM, Jun 17, 2021.

  1. TanyaLM

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    Hello!

    I am in turmoil and am going to word vomit this post out because I haven’t been able to say this to anybody and I really hope that someone can help me make sense of my thoughts and feelings.

    I am almost thirty and am starting to question my sexuality. I’ve always thought I was straight. I’ve been in one serious relationship and it was with a man. However, I’ve always found some women to be beautiful just like I’ve found some men to be beautiful. As I get older, I can’t figure out if I am attracted to the women I find beautiful, or if I’m jealous that I’m not beautiful like them? It sounds so stupid, I know! But I’m really starting to question myself.

    I don’t really know how to explore this questioning. I have a really hard time talking to and dating men who I find attractive due to my anxiety and low self esteem, hence the one relationship (I am at the self-awareness stage in sorting those issues out); I don’t know how to even go about it with a woman. I don’t know how to get myself into a situation where I can explore these feelings. Is it even fair for me to do that? What if I figure out I’m jealous, not attracted; then I’ve just used someone as an experiment and that is so not fair to that person. I don’t know how to go about exploring and discovering my sexuality without using or hurting someone else.

    After typing this out I realize how trivial my problems are, but I don’t really have friends or family who would understand where I’m coming from or be able to help me figure this out. Everyone around me is in committed, hetero relationships with kids, and then I’m sitting here in my corner of singleness questioning if I’m bi- or pan-sexual.

    How do I, what do I, I don’t even know?
     
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  2. Lemony

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    Do you feel sexually attracted to women?
    Can you imagine being with a woman sexuality/ romantically?
    I know exactly how you feel.
    We are here to help.
     
  3. Love2sleep

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    Hello :grinning: When I was figuring out my sexuality, I dated men more than I dated women, I knew I was attracted to women but could also appreciate a handsome guy and have great friendships with the guys I dated. What I couldn’t do however was form an emotional relationship with them. I would however form emotional attachments and fall in love with a woman. In the end I figured I was a lesbian. After accepting myself, it became easier to date women and keep guys as my friends, as I now knew who I was and what makes me tick so to speak.
    I really hope you figure out who you are and wish you the very best of luck! Anytime you want to let it out we are here to help :hugging:
     
  4. 17Wanderlust

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    I am in a somewhat similar situation, I've been attracted to other women before but also been in relationships with men. The relationships I've been in were somewhat negative so I'm not sure if that is affecting my curiosity and confusion or if I was just hiding from myself this whole time.

    I want to try to figure out and experiment but going to someone to experiment with zero experience and the feeling of using someone just feels overwhelming and wrong. Plus I'm also almost 30 so the whole high school/college experimenting age had gone and left.

    Sorry I have no advice but hope it provides a little support in knowing your not alone.
     
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  5. Love2sleep

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    Please don’t be concerned about not having any experience, we start off without experience. You will find your way when the time is right, an understanding person will not judge lack of experience. As for feeling wrong in using someone, I wouldn’t call it using someone as long you are honest with your intentions.
     
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  6. quebec

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    Tanya.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: There is a sub-forum here on EC that is titled "Sexual Orientation". If you post there I think you'll find people who will understand how you feel and will be able to offer support and understanding! You can ask questions in any of the Sub-forums by creating a new thread or by joining in a conversation-thread that is already going. You can also post a message on anyone's Profile Page after you have made at least ten posts yourself. If you have a question that is somewhat private you can always send a Private Message to any Staff Member. Normally Private Messages can only be exchanged between two Full Members, but a PM to a Staff Member is an exception. :old_wink: We are so glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets! :old_big_grin:

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  7. MistyMorn

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    I can understand where you are coming from and how confusing things can get. I feel everyone has a different path of self discovery. Yours may be similar to others and that's what is great about being here. It's definitely a journey and don't feel like you need to be in a rush to define yourself. One thing for me that I had to learn was to separate the physical sexual act from how I felt towards women. Meaning that the act isn't what makes or breaks you being gay, it's the feelings involved, at least for me. That would be my advice. Start within to see how you feel when you see an attractive woman and how these feelings affect you. Try not to pass judgement on yourself. It's all about personal growth and nothing is wrong with that :slight_smile:
     
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  8. GrumpyOldLady

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    Hi TanyaLM,
    I suppressed my feelings towards women for a long time, my family wasn't religious or anything like that but there was such a stigma when I was young that it wasn't something I was willing to accept about myself. I don't know if that plays a factor in your questioning or not.

    When I have feelings I don't want to have my brain makes all kinds of excuses and explanations for them in order to avoid the truth I don't want to know. We are so conditioned to want the heteronormative ideal that it can be hard to distinguish which feelings are real and which are just what we think we're "supposed" to feel.

    One thing that helped me was to explore past feeling for clues and work them through keeping a non-judgmental attitude. For instance, when I was going through puberty I used to steal my father's Playboy magazines and hide them in my room to look at (he used to yell at my brother for stealing them which I feel slightly guilty about but only slightly lol). It gave me a special feeling to look at them and to anyone not suppressing their sexuality it would have been clear that I was definitely attracted to women but I convinced myself that I enjoyed the pictures because I "wanted to look like them" so that I could attract the desire of men. It didn't matter that I felt uncomfortable wearing anything that might attract the male gaze so never would have dressed or posed like those playboy models, but denial is a powerful thing. When I look back now I can accept that I simply found the women attractive and I was looking through those magazines for the same reason my brother would have.

    I have been attracted to men romantically but at some point I also had to admit that I'm not really attracted to them sexually except on rare occasions which is why most of my relationships with men have been singularly unspectacular in bed no matter how hard I tried. I have had obsessive crushes on some men in the past though, and I think they were real enough because I definitely had Feelings. So that's why I think I'm bisexual or at least biromantic. In some ways a crush is something that you can "allow" yourself to have or not; I never allowed myself to have a crush on a woman until recently so that confused me a lot while I was exploring my sexuality.

    I guess in short probably the best way to figure things out is to explore the feelings in your head and body while trying to keep an accepting and open mindset about it, maybe with the help of some porn if that helps, and for that you don't need to use or hurt anyone else.
     
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  9. MistyMorn

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    Very good point here. I have been married twice. I felt that initial rush of excitement thinking I can make this work this time. My first marriage ended because I felt completely hollow, not necessarily his fault as much as I couldn't be who I he needed me to be as a partner. My second marriage which I'm still in, we don't speak and I'm just not physically attracted to him.

    My other issue though was like you were saying about jealousy. That was something which was confusing to me because my lack of sexual attraction towards men. I used to get so jealous of the women in the magazines he was looking at, or the bars, or whatever. When upon really looking at it from within myself I realized I'm not feeling these feelings of anger and jealousy because of him but because I was not allowing myself to be open to the fact I was feeling the attraction. I wanted to be able to be attracted to her to and I was not allowing myself because I was denying who I am. Though I knew I was gay, I didn't accept it. That realization, however much closeted, which I still am, it freed me. Does that make sense? But this is just my perspective and maybe it will help you discern things for yourself
     
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