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Going to Pride while living in Homophobic Household

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by SunnyNarwal, Jun 11, 2021.

  1. SunnyNarwal

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    Hey, guys. So, I haven't come out of the closet to my parents. This is partially because I'm still unsure what label works best for me, and partially because my parents are very conservative, religious and homophobic. They of course, claim to love all people but respond with disgust to any representation of a gay person in media. As a kid, they wouldn't let me buy clothes/accessories with rainbows because people might "think I'm gay/support the gay agenda." They avoid businesses that support lgbt or even have products for Pride (like Target). I am 21 but still live at home, currently saving up to move in the fall. My brother who recently moved out, invited me to go to a pride event with him tomorrow. I plan on going because honestly, I feel so alone right now and I could really use time in a supportive environment, even for a couple of hours. I'm so fed up with allowing my controlling parents to scare and guilt trip me out of doing things that would make me happy. My question is, any tips for handling the inevitable conflict? My mom will likely ask me something along the lines of, "why do you want to go?" I'll probably just tell her the honest truth, which is that I want to spend time with my brother and have fun (of course, minus the fact that I am myself queer). But I know my Mom might try to make it more than that, because to her, going to a Pride is a very serious offense against her values. I will try to do my best to be non-confrontational. ...Any advice on standing up to my Mom without feeding into an intense argument?
    Also, any advice on not feeling terrible for being "rebellious"? I've been such a good kid my whole life that I'm having difficulty making my own decisions without feeling massive amounts of guilt, like I'm being a terrible person.
    Thank you!
     
  2. Really

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    Could you blame the pandemic? Just say life has been stifling for so long that you just need to get out and be with people? Safely, of course. Abiding by local medical advisories regarding social distancing, mask wearing, etc. I don’t think they can argue with people needing to get out for their mental health.
    Actually, does she need to know where you’re going? Couldn’t you just be going out to hang out with your brother?
    Don’t feel bad. You’re an adult and can make your own decisions. If she tries to tell you how bad it is, ask her to explain why. There’s no good reason. Maybe she’ll backtrack and begin to see the error in her current opinion.
    Good luck. And have fun!
     
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  3. quebec

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    Sunny.....Hello and just in case no one else has said it...a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: OK...guilt first...No matter what anyone tells you, getting rid of guilt usually does not happen over night. It's something that has been "pounded" into you over a period of years. It becomes an emotional reaction to situations and facts don't change emotions quickly. However, we'll give it a shot anyway! :old_big_grin: I 'm guessing that your parents are "Christians". Christianity like most religions is based on Love. Not guilt, not shame and not the rejection of people who might think differently. Let's take a moment and quote an early Christian teacher..."'Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" (Jesus) The words from the mouth of Jesus tell us to love people as we love ourselves even if they are not living in a way that the Bible describes as acceptable. And yes...I know just how controversial that statement is! :old_oops: My point being that you have no reason at all to be guilty or ashamed because you go to a Pride event, are an Ally or are LGBTQIA+! Of course that is the fact-filled approach to the problem. It doesn't deal with the emotions that are the result of years of being told how evil that being gay, etc. is. Recovering from those emotions can take some time. But knowing that those emotions are false does help while you are working through the process of getting over their effect.
    As far as trying to avoid an argument/conflict with your mom...that's probably not going to be easy (I think you already know that!) :old_frown: Emphasizing that you want to spend time with your brother is a good start. What kind of Pride event is it? If it's like a fair with various vendors you could mention that and tell her that you are interested in some of the handcrafted items that will be available...if you are interested in that kind of thing. You might consider trying to low-key remind your mom that you have opinions and values that are different than hers...not that hers or yours are wrong or right...just different. I'm hoping that the "discussion" won't get to the point of you having to move out sooner than you are ready to do so. Remember that you are a part of our LGBTQIA+ Family and we do care! Please keep us updated on how this works out!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. SunnyNarwal

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    Hi, David!
    Thanks for that very well thought out and sympathetic response. Makes me feel less alone. I think the key in all of this is to remain confident that I have no real reason to be guilty or afraid. I think I need to focus on the fact that I am an adult capable of making my own decisions and not allow myself to fall into the trap of self-sabotage and shame. I'm way to easily prone to saying, "Oh no, she's upset, I'm being a bad person!" ..which is essentially elevating my mom's feelings while neglecting my own. I need to cut that out!
    ..Easier said than done, of course.
    I'll keep you updated!
     
  5. SunnyNarwal

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    ..I certainly can't blame the Pandemic. I live in Florida and we've been open since way too early. Plus, my mom believes that Covid was exaggerated by the socialist illuminati to excuse shutting down the economy so they can take over the world. So there's that. I am vaccinated, which she was also very unhappy about. I am going to focus more on the hanging out with my brother part. However, I think if I obviously tip-toe about where I'm going its just going to validate to her that I have a reason to be afraid/guilty. I do not want to feed that. I'm going to be unafraid, but also treat it like it's no big deal. That way, if there's any drama, she will be responsible. But like you said, if she tries to question I'll just turn it back on her. I'm going to try and remain as passive as possible so there's nothing to fuel her. Difficult balance, but I'm going to at least try.
    Thank you for the advice!
     
  6. I'm gay

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    Since you are 21, why is it their business to know where you are going at all? Can you just be out for the day with no mention of where you are going or why?
     
  7. SunnyNarwal

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    I know that I should be. However, no. realistically speaking there is no way I'd get out of the house without someone knowing.
     
  8. I'm gay

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    Do your parents know that your brother is going? What do they think about that?
     
  9. SunnyNarwal

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    Nope! They know he is coming over and taking what's left of his stuff to move and I'm going to be helping out.
     
  10. SunnyNarwal

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    Hi, Ya'll. Just an update. I told my Mom in person I was "going to a music festival" She dug, I told her it was "technically a Pride event." She said, "what does that mean? Is it a fundraiser or something?" I said, "I don't know. It's an event to celebrate Pride." She said, "You want to support that?" I said, "I don't see why not." To which she said something along the lines of how disappointed she was, and left. Feeling pretty grossed-out I have to admit. I know that there's nothing wrong with going to Pride but she's using language and a tone that makes me feel like I'm a kid who doesn't know what's best for myself, I'm just making a silly mistake.
     
  11. quebec

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    Sunny....."...making a silly mistake."? She is, you're not! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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