It’s been 5 years since I’ve came out to my whole family and friends. While most everyone took it well and accepted me, my parents didn’t. They aren’t religious by all means. Ok let me put it this way they still love me as there son but won’t accept me as there gay son. It’s like they know who I am but just choose to ignore it. Me and my mom have attempted to have conversations here and there but it just never seemed to matter. I never told my dad myself, my mom claims that she told him. I still feel like I have to act like this other person around them and can’t be myself. If I even do or say anything that’s the real me I’m being weird and I need to stop or something like that. I guess what I’m asking is if anyone else has gone through something similar and what did you do? I’m scared to stand up to my parents because I don’t want to cross the line of disrespect because they still are my parents and even if they don’t see that side of me we still have a good relationship. Any thoughts?
(lets see if I can get this right) In the book Hold On To Your Kids, by Gordon Neufield & Gabor Mate, a book Chip recomended in past posts, it talks about attachment. Attachment is how a child bonds to a parent(s) and parent(s) bonds to a child. (please note I'm ~1/3 through the book) Taking a wild shot, I'd say there is an attachment problem, for your parents are not attached to a gay son, they are longing for attachment to a hetro son. How to fix this if my theory is right, I do not know. Therapy?
I'm going to add an addendum after rereading your post. The parents have a problem and need to get therapy. Another way to put it, they need to get a life.
I wouldn't make this overly complicated if I were you. It sounds like your parents are accepting to the extent they are able, and the good thing is that they aren't hostile to you. Nor is it unusual to decide not to do things (not sure what you mean by this) that might be offensive or uncomfortable for other people. I would stop trying to change my parents, or hoping that they would change, and find other places to express myself that aren't so complicated or fraught, and be glad for what I can have with my parents.
Speaking as a parent, we all have something about our kids that we have a hard time with. Because being gay is our big secret that consumes a ton of our emotional energy, we connect all our bad emotions to it. But I concur with a previous poster that they may be trying to the best of their ability and it would be good to appreciate that. One of the things that the LGBTetc. community tends to dismiss is understanding for those who do not accept us. Understanding and acceptance are never one way streets. The common attitude is to demand, not just acceptance, but a general embracing and celebration of all things LGBT. For some people that's just not possible. But if you make an effort to understand and accept where they are coming from, or at least not openly challenge and insult it, you may find some common ground.
Hi @Ttypewood ! I am also in the same boat as you are though for a very very short time yet. But I guess I will have to keep sailing here for quite some time. I came out to my mother last week. At first she was shocked and just rejected it. After two days she called and told that she understands that I don't want to marry because I am gay but I should not marry a man either. So, she accepts me as a gay single (because in society you can say that I am a hetero single) but not as partnered gay. So, I guess I won't get to act as real me around the family. But I am happy that she accepts me as a son and I still have a good relationship with her. I don't know how things will turn out to be in future; maybe she will be more accepting, maybe not. I see that you already appreciate your parents for their efforts, keep it up.
And just to clarify ... I wasn't suggesting that anyone change their personal choices in life, such as partnering, dating, etc., in order to please their parents or not upset them. Even if there isn't warmth, everyone's entitled to respect, and if that is lacking then some distancing would probably be a good idea. Either way, we each have the right to live our own lives according to our own values (within the bounds of law, of course).
And to clarify MY response, I am fully aware that there are people who utterly and violently hate gays and I am not suggesting that they can be cured with a friendly chat. My point is that for a lot of people, their main exposure to anyone gay is Aunt Suzie's brother in law's son 4 states away, and of course Queer Eye or the couples on Target commercials. Your parents may not know what to expect or how to engage you in a discussion. They might be uncomfortable about stereotypes like picking up random guys for sex constantly, or you looking down on THEM for "following the heternormative script", i.e. "acting like everyone else in their social circle". Maybe in some comfortable setting, tell them you know this is awkward for them, and what can you explain to maybe put their minds at ease? They have not tossed you out, and awkwardness is a long way from hellfire and damnatuin speeches. Treat them like people you love and value and respect. Because you do.
I can relate to your experience in that my parents do not want to acknowledge me as gay either. It is better than open hostility, but still painful.
The best coping strategy I have found is to practise acceptance "It is what it is; they are who they are," accompanied by self-acceptance a cultivating healthy self-love.
The best coping strategy I have found is to practise acceptance "It is what it is; they are who they are," accompanied by self-acceptance, as well as cultivating healthy self-love.
The best coping strategy I have found is to practise acceptance "It is what it is; they are who they are," accompanied by self-acceptance, as well as cultivating healthy self-love.
The best coping strategy I have found is to practise acceptance "It is what it is; they are who they are," accompanied by self-acceptance, as well as cultivating healthy self-love.
They deny you but don't hate you so..... progress? If you are grown, move out and get a gf/bf if you are not grown, research orientation and get to know it intimately and try educating them.
