1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How did your spouse take it when you told them about your sexuality?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RD Spencer, Feb 10, 2021.

  1. Maldoone

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2018
    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    121
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Do you think your wife has always been homophobic, or do you think it's something specifically aimed at you? I was quite shocked at the realisation that, after many years of what I thought was her acceptance of gay friends, to find that in reality, my wife seemed to be very anti-gay or anything LBGTx related. Or maybe it was just too close to home, and had potential to split us up. Serious potential. But, once the dust settled, I guess it's really up to her and me as to what we do next. Just last week, we had another strong chat about sex and loving etc. I'm strong enough now not to hide, and so I confirmed my sexuality as bi. It made me feel relieved to have that out there between us, I don't feel I'm hiding too much. In practical reality it probably doesn't make a lot of difference. I do wonder if she notices when I rake a good looking guy with my glance? (Maybe not, because she'd doing it too!!) LoL. Gotta laugh sometimes or we'd all .... yeah.
     
  2. SteveBi45

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2021
    Messages:
    138
    Likes Received:
    92
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    As someone who is currently working out how/when to come out to my wife, this tread is very interesting for me.

    These are two things I worry about a lot. My wife also loves me and is very supportive and understanding of the LGBT+ community, but I still worry it will be tough for her to take and that she asks "why now?" as if I come out now because I want to change something about our marriage. I don't want to change the life we have, but I do want to open with her about my sexuality. It's part of me and I don't want to hide it, but I do tend to put on an act a little with her to be more masculine than I feel sometimes, because this is something important to her. She has always said that if I was not masculine she isn't sure if she could stay married to me.

    I also have 2 young kids with my wife. I don't think she would kick me out, but I do think it will change her view or our marriage and that somehow she would eventually ask for a divorce. This would devastate me, as I love my family and want to keep it together.

    This is my struggle about whether it's worth coming out or not. Finally being able to accept and realise that I'm bi is already changing things for me in a positive way. Perhaps I should wait. I don't know...
     
    Bastion likes this.
  3. Maldoone

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2018
    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    121
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I can honestly say that accepting me myself as bi (or even gay) was a massive relief. In some ways, it's been the most important bit of all of this. Gradually, I've also come to work up the courage to answer any direct question about my sexuality truthfully. Although the question never comes up. Funny, I do wonder if I appear a bit more 'gay' in my demeanour, in fact I want to, as it might be more empathetic to fellow humans. This is a long process for me, an I have no idea where it's going to end up. I had a look to see what's happening in Philip Scofield's life and I see he's breaking up from his wife. Maybe he wanted more freedom to explore his sexuality. So, I seem to be in a place where if I don't push, then I can stay. Or I'm deluding myself, and in reality my wife is on edge, wondering if I'm going to jump. Things are OK just now. I read a lot, which helps. The secret life of Albert Entwhistle is a lovely story, and it's helping me get more in tune with the gay universe. Loving Queer as Folk. Like I say, I've no idea where this is all leading/
     
    SteveBi45 and Joolz66 like this.
  4. MrFahrenheit123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2021
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you all so much for sharing. Some really great stories and other very real ones.

    I had hoped to live authentically this June and perhaps even attend a Pride event but ... I think I’ll just re-organize the closet instead.

    Blessings ✨
     
  5. Iluvagirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2018
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I came out to my husband two years ago, but I wasn't entirely honest because I had fallen in love with a woman and didn't tell him that part, because nothing came of it. Nor did I tell him that I'd stepped outside the marriage to experiment. I chose not to tell him that part, mostly because I didn't want the conversation diverted away from my sexuality and what to do about our marriage going forward. I think it was the right choice, even though I often feel shitty about it. Anyhow, he was really amazing. Devastated, full of questions, but compassionate. He didn't want the marriage to end. We made it open for six months and he fooled around with some women, coming home to tell me all about it. It was a bit arousing for me and wound up drawing us closer together. But, since then, we don't talk about it ever and I'm mostly forcing myself to be intimate with him, for him, which I'm guessing some people might think is messed up. So even though "I'm out" to him (and most of my friends now too), I still feel closeted. Because I want to live two lives - this marriage and our family--and also one where I can be my authentic, fully realized self, partnered with a woman.
     
    carebear99, CherryTree and MikeL1962 like this.
  6. Maldoone

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2018
    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    121
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I often feel that tug of longing too. I calm myself by thinking of how big life is, and all its multitude of things that make it up. There are compensations, I tell myself. And besides, I'm not in my first flush of youth. I'm not on the market - 21st century dating means posting details on dating sites. In some ways I don't really mind if someone I know does see it - but then I realise that's just a fantasy. Like you, we don't talk about it in our marriage, but the subject does surface sometimes. I stick with 'bi' because that seems to be accepted. In the end I'm just too chicken to jump. It's been a helluva long time since I made any big life moves and I tell myself that it's not a good idea. So, unless Mr Right hoves into view and there's an unforseen change of direction, I am happy to stay! And my wife will not only have me stay, but really wants me to stay. Fear of growing old without company. Funnily enough, my two kids may already know. There have been odd questions over the years, and I suppose I'm not scared of their reactions. So, head says don't be a fool. Heart says YOLO. There's no answer. Much like the Meaning of Life....
     
    Bastion and MikeL1962 like this.
  7. Iluvagirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2018
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    100% I feel everything you're feeling, down to the last word, just switch the genders, lol!
     
    Maldoone and MikeL1962 like this.
  8. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    338
    Likes Received:
    221
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I have enjoyed reading this thread. There is a lot of valuable information and shared experiences. Although I haven’t yet made the decision to come out to her officially. She knows in a way. And would be furious if I brought it up. She is homophobic, but only when it is about me having something to do with lgbtq+ people. Otherwise she doesn’t mind them that much. All my social environment I guess is like that so is my family so am not surprised.
    So am like what’s the point if am not actually seeing someone and it’s a serious thing. It probably won’t make a difference if I come out to her or anyone. Why go through all the struggles. If am just gonna be monogamous in my marriage. So yeah that’s one of the conflicts I go through sometimes thinking about it.
     
    Maldoone and MikeL1962 like this.
  9. SteveBi45

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2021
    Messages:
    138
    Likes Received:
    92
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    This is how I feel a lot of the time too. On one side I have this excitement and energy, now that I have worked out my sexuality I want it out in the open and for everyone to know and accept the real me. On the other side, I’m married to a wonderful woman in a monogamous marriage, with 2 amazing kids. What is the price of coming out? To break that relationship and family?

    I have just contacted a local LGBT+ group to meet and explore being the real me, to really see if I want to come out to my family or not.
     
    Maldoone, MikeL1962 and Bastion like this.
  10. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    338
    Likes Received:
    221
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yeah my thoughts exactly! You summarized what I was trying to say! Thanks! Let me know how it goes with your meeting. I would be very interested to hear what you might find, learn or decide.
     
    Mj5963, SteveBi45 and MikeL1962 like this.
  11. Maldoone

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2018
    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    121
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Oh boy. I did that. They call themselves 'New Beginnings' and that, it seems is what they wanted for everyone who came to them. I got a sympathetic hearing and encouragement to Make A Decision. In the end, I came out to my wife and landed in the poo deeply, for what seemed like eternity. 3 days later, some kind of stability was reached, and we're still together four years later. Occasionally the LGBT+ world comes into our conversation, but it's never acknowledged as being Close. And that's OK I guess. I can have those conversations with others, although having kept this hidden for so long, I don't have any gay friends, and those I've told, turn out to be homophobic Ass*****. No sense in complaining. 2 great kids, almost flying the nest. Hopefully a decently long bit of life left to go. Who knows, I might bump into Mr Gorgeous by complete accident. And if he thinks I'm gorgeous too, well, who knows? HAHAHA Us queers, we're nothing if not fantasists!?
    On a serious note, I got a helluva lot of help from that group. Massive support when the shit hit the fan. I can't thank them enough. Go there, you won't regret it.
     
    SteveBi45 and StillAround like this.
  12. MrFahrenheit123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2021
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Update: I did it! Came out earlier this week. After a lot of beating around the bush all June it finally all came out over insta DM’s. We follow each other on our alt accounts and I’d been posting a few bi memes, as well as starting to share some things about myself in the stories. She replied and came right out and asked me if I was bi. I didn’t shy away and thanks to this forum and some of the other research I had done, I had a pretty good idea of what to reply back. The DM thing was actually great. It gave everyone a chance to absorb information at their own pace and respond with carefully chosen words.

    She wasn’t surprised, said she knew and that we had brought it up before. She has legitimate questions and I provided truthful answers as best i could.

    I turned 40 last month and love the life we have together. I don’t seek anything outside of living more authentically when I want / choose to. In addition to my wife, I also came out to one of my sister’s (a huge ally) and a female friend who also came out on bisexual this June. The ideal scenario for me involves my wife and people closest to me better understanding who I am, perhaps a peer group I can have brunch with (though my wife is less keen on that idea - she is very jealous. A bonus side effect has been that she ‘isn’t going down without a fight’ and has been dressing sexy and really horny), and perhaps attend some pride stuff.

    Also I went out and bought pink sunglasses, a vintage Cher tshirt and a pink bong lol. Also made a 24 he Pride playlist on the family Apple Music account. So I really enjoy being able to do that. We’ll see from here but so far, so great.
     
    MikeL1962 and SteveBi45 like this.
  13. SteveBi45

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2021
    Messages:
    138
    Likes Received:
    92
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Well done and congratulations! It’s sounds like it worked out well for you and your wife. You’re so right about just being able to be you in your small circle of family and friends. This would be my ideal scenario too. Just haven’t been as courageous as you so far.
     
    MikeL1962 likes this.
  14. Maldoone

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2018
    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    121
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    That is just amazing, great for you. I'm happy for you.