Hi, I am writing from a latin country so sorry if there are mistakes in languages. It has been very difficult these past weeks I have been talking about my most intimate desires and emotions. From a very early age, since I was like 13 years old (I am 34 right now) I started to feel very attracted to woman clothing, in particular pantyhose. I started to put them, I enter my moms closet and play with them, sometimes I put some dresses, skirts, underwear. I felt the erotism and the sexual arousal, mastrubate and that was it. When I finished I always felt very guilty, a big judge in my head telling me, you are a freak, you are gay, bla bla. I never came out with this until I was like 22 with my therapist who was very supportive but nobody else has ever known until now. I´ve been attracted toward woman, but always felt like I do not adapt in the masculine role eventhough I grew up in a super masculine context, with only male brtohers, a school with only boys. I still love to dress up as a woman, but recently I have started to feel not only a sexual thing but and identitarian also and it gives me energy, I like it. The only person I told was that therapist and now I told my recently therapist and my psychiatrist. I am also married to a beautiful girl, and I know that this things are hurting her and my relationship, she is an awsome person. I told her about this stuff but I am also very doubtful so I can´t talk to her everything because I am not clear about it. Sometimes I feel that this super masculinized expectations went to deep in me and I adapted but I always fall in depressions, lots of anguish, anxiety, guilt. I don´t like that masculine role, don´t fit with. I love to dress up as a woman, take pictures and pose pretending I am a model, I fantasize being all waxed, and going out like this. I would love to go out as a woman, walk the streets, make my life as. I see the pictures that I take and love them. I am also a musician and I would love to like put one of those pictures as my album cover. I am having doubts of everything, sometimes I feel attracted to woman, but I am also intrigued with how would it be like being a woman. Don´t know how to approach all of this things that I am feeling. Don´t know if all of this is like only fetishism or a more structural thing. I am starting to believe that is the second because I´ve been on this practically my whole life. I am suffering really, but most of all is because of my wife that the first time it was like WHAT?? who did I marry and I don´t blame. Thanks for the space and any words would help.
Welcome to EC. Being LGBT+ does not mean that you are a freak, even if there are people who would say so. There is nothing wrong with being different than social expectations. Wanting to cross dress does not make you gay, that would just mean that you are a cross dresser and there is nothing wrong with that. I do know what it is like to have that sort of inner judge though. Rather than picking out exact sentences and responding I will respond to the rest in general. It does sound as if it might be possible that for you transition might be a good option, though only you can decide what is going to be right for you. It is made more difficult by you being married since you will want to take your spouse into consideration. If simply dressing up in private is enough to satisfy the feelings that you have and your spouse is ok with it then you should do it. If you start to feel that you need more then you will need to explore options. One very safe way to start is to use the thread here for experimenting with names and pronouns. If you decide that you might need to try actually living as a woman then you will need to consult a therapist and doctors in order to start transition (your therapist or psychiatrist should be able to help you learn about how the process works where you live)
Hello and welcome!! It sounds like you have been suppressing a part of your identity for a very long time. There is a misconception out there that people who are trans know it strongly from a VERY young age, as young as 3 or 4 years old, but a lot of us don't really understand it until later. For us "late bloomers", the first inklings that we might be another gender happen with experimentations with cross dressing, and often happen around puberty, sometimes even a bit later. You also mentioned having trouble with the masculine role in general, and wanting to go out and live your life as a woman. That really doesn't sound like a fetish to me, although I am not the expert on your personal situation. Only you can really say what it is that you need to do to live a full, true, and happy life! I'm sure it's not easy to try and figure all of this out as a married person, especially if you're happily married. But it's important for your own health to continue exploring and processing your desires and your feelings, and I hope that your therapist and your wife both support you. Gender and sexuality are two different things, so it is very possible to be attracted to women, and to also want to live your life as a woman. It is also possible to want to spend part of your time presenting as a woman, but not all of it. Consider a few different scenarios...how do they make you feel? 1. You understand that you sometimes have a desire to be a woman. So, you start to spend some of your time as a woman - dressing up, applying makeup, taking photos. At the end of the day, this feels like enough for you. You put away your women's clothes until the next time you need to express your femme side, whether it's in a few days or a few weeks. You aren't really bothered living as a man as long as you get to spend some of your time being a woman, too, in private or in public. 2. Even though you are trying your best to live as a man, you know that it doesn't fit you - you understand that even though other people see you as a man, you feel in your heart that you are a woman. Dressing as a woman feels natural to you, it makes you feel whole. You are very attracted to the idea of living as a woman all of the time, and you wish that you had a softer, more feminine body. The idea of only dressing up part time is painful for you, because you feel like you're being pressured into hiding who you really are. 3. You understand that you have a desire to dress like a woman. Sometimes you wonder what it would be like to be a woman, but you don't feel in your heart that you are a woman - you are more or less comfortable being a man, but you do not care for the traditional ideas of masculinity. You find men's clothes to be boring, and wish that they were nicer and more expressive like women's clothes are. You are happy to mix and match clothes for both genders in your day to day life, so long as they fit you comfortably and make you happy. There are all sorts of ways we can relate to gender, and none of them are shameful or wrong! I hope that you will continue to share with us as you explore your feelings about gender and identity, and that you can find a way of expression that makes you feel whole and happy.
Yeah, many many thanks, I always felt that inernal judge, so severe. I don´t want to continue repressing this feelings. I started to open them but I am not in a happy place, it is difficult for me for my wife. I know I am hurting her in someway, I don´t blame her, I understandt. It must be difficult for her aswell. She is not too supprotive of the idea of me dressing as a woman. I open up with her and told her with much more details what I feel, what I did since adolescence, and it is strange to her. I am in a state of doubt regarding like everything in life, I am not well. I mantain the hope that life itself will show paths and orientations. Exploration in gender it is what I want, but I don´t want to be private, and hidding it, that is worst I think.
Love your response. Thank you. I would love to explore more and more. I don´t know if deep in my heart I am woman, but I am not closed to the possibility you know?, now everything can be possible, I am in doubtful territory, regarding more or less everything. I don´t want the scenario that has been until now, mantaining all very private and hidden. I want to explore more and express it more. I am still opening up with my therapists, family, hope that this anguish can pass, and be more happy. I don´t know the decisions to make yet.
I hope that you can find a way to live the life that you need. Whether this is you compromising and feeling ok with it, her allowing you to be free to explore or if you have to go out on your own. I was in a similar place as you with my second wife. I had allowed myself to be put through conversion "therapy" and was pretending to be male when we met and then married. One difference is that I had told her of my gender identity issues early in our dating relationship. When I told her that I had to do it after about 2-3 years of marriage she did allow me to restart hormones and to dress in private. This helped for a little while but eventually I had a total breakdown.
It's ok to make the decisions as things come up naturally. Don't try to force anything, one way or another. Just allow yourself to ask questions and explore different possibilities! Feeling doubtful or unsure is perfectly normal, especially because the future is uncertain. To be honest with you, I have been holding off on starting anything medical for myself for some social reasons involving family, but also because the decision seems so big...I have been expressing myself and affirming my identity mostly with clothes, a new name, and the right pronouns, and that's a huge step forward from where I used to be. I know in my heart who I am, and what I want for myself, but it's hard to get the nerve to dive in to unsure territory, even if it's something you really want and you know is right for you. It's ok to take your time. Play with your expression. When something feels good to you, allow it to feel good. When something doesn't, allow yourself to think about what it is that you don't like, and let it go. Don't close yourself off to any possibilities just yet! There's no wrong way to understand and express gender, but there's only one way to be - honest to ourselves and the people around us. Never let yourself live a lie. I do hope that you can build a support network in real life. Having people around you who affirm you and give you space to explore is the best. It might mean meeting new people, and some people in your life might surprise you with their support. And of course keep us updated.
