Quickish post about something that has been bothering me for a couple days

I've been going through one of those periods of doubt that I sometimes go through. This one seems to have been stronger than usual though. I've been thinking I'm maybe bi, or at least not straight for a while and I thought I was beginning to get used to that and maybe come to terms with it. There are a lot of times I doubt myself though which leads me to start worrying that I am just straight. A lot of times this doubt comes from some porn I might happen to see while browsing, or a random feeling I might have about a woman I see, or a strange dream I have, etc...

I don't have a lot of experience when it comes to sex. I've only had sex a couple of times with the same guy who happens to be a very close friend of mine. Never been with someone of the opposite sex, and I'm not sure I want to. Then again I'm not sure I'd be into sex with a guy that wasn't my friend or someone I was VERY comfortable around.

The first couple times we tried fooling around and also the first few times we tried having sex, I had some trouble keeping it up, but eventually I guess I got more used to it and we were able to. He's been away for a while for school, but recently got back. We've gotten together and tried fooling around once since then, but I had trouble again. This coupled with the fact that I've been doubting myself a lot again lately sort of leads me to worry that I actually am not into what we're doing and that's why I have trouble. While we were apart though I would fantasize a decent amount about him and we exchanged nudes and I liked that. Maybe I just need to be in the mood or maybe it just comes from some type of self consciousness/ performance anxiety. I don't know, I guess I just worry that I'm not into him or what we are doing, maybe we are both just horny and it's convenient. It kind of felt to me like there was something a little more there, but maybe that is just because we've been friends for so long.

 

I suppose there is/was an aspect of guilt. I was raised in very Catholic family, and as I'm sure you know Catholics aren't super fond of homosexuality. I was never really "anti-gay", but I was definitely raised to believe it wrong. I thought I was over that as I don't consider myself Catholic anymore. I also thought I was over that guilt or shame that was sort of instilled in me because of the way I was raised. I suppose there could be some kind of leftover deep set feelings because of that though.

 

I thought I was over that, but it's definitely possible that I'm not quite as comfortable with it as I thought it was. When we have messed around it does feel a little weird. I don't know if that's just because of my upbringing, or if It's because we've known each other since we were in middle school, or if I'm actually not into it. So I guess that is what is causing a lot of the doubt/ performance anxiety.