I was digging around trying to get back on track about coming out and was reading a lot of old threads and posts - not just my own but some others in my early days of just lurking this really shifted the ground for me. (bold emphasis mine) I think this is so key to understanding common denial objections: "I look women on the street" "I can have sex with a woman and enjoy it"
On a thread when I was questioning whether i was gay this response really helped me clarify things: I never fully understood that I had no internal sexual arousal to women until I laid it out here... it's amazing how thought loops can keep in your head for YEARS until you finally put them down and think about them...
OGS’s experience was similar although not the same as mine. My sexual paradigm shift didn’t occur until I was 50. I dated, had sex and married a woman. It was never that fireworks experience people take about. It was ok and enjoyable but I was never 100% comfortable. I buried my attraction to other guys apparently. That is until I met the man that changed my life. From the first kiss to consummation of our sexual relationship I had never felt anything close to the fire I felt that night. No woman had even come close. The emotional and sexual connection in every sense of the word rocked my world. That night I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt this is what I wanted. I remember waking up with him cuddling and thinking this is fantastic beyond words. It felt so normal and natural. Within a short period of time my desire for women totally disappeared along with the ability to be intimate with one. I didn’t care, it was a relief to be free of my heterosexuality which I now knew had been forced. There is no way I would ever be with a woman again in an intimate relationship.
I haven't had an experience that yet, but when I read his post, the way he worded it, I just felt in my gut that a. I wanted to experience it. b.I realized my ho-hum experience with women was the same. But my denial prevented me from ever putting two and two together... and the way that he said "I suppose in some sense I'm bi--but not in any sense that is really relevant" rang true with me - though I could have sex with women and 'orgasm' possibly even enjoy it, 'bi' never even occurred to me, even before admitting I was gay. The thing is it was enjoyable 'enough' to stay in denial for me at least. Did you have any inkling before? I feel that if i do have an experience that would definitely finish off any remaining doubt, but even just accepting myself my fantasies about men became more intense.
Out2019 when I am honest in my evaluation of my life prior to coming out I see solid indications starting in my teens of an attraction to other guys. I simply buried those deep in order to fit into the heteronormative brainwashing I received. When I look back I see someone who was afraid to disrupt the established norm. Hence I pretended to be straight and even fooled myself until a defining moment when I could no longer hide. As I have said a number of times being intimate with another man for the first time changed everything. I could not believe how quickly and completely I responded to the sexual advances of another man. The surprising part was the incredible emotional connection as well. From that moment the thought of being in an emotional, romantic and sexual relationship with another man made complete sense. I embraced my homosexuality that night and fantasy became reality for me. It was clear that my experiences with women were a veiled attempt to play the game as society deemed appropriate. Looking back they were all shallow, unfulfilling and in retrospect totally wrong. I now realize I am and was gay. After a difficult and at times painful journey I am proud to say I am a 100% happy gay man living as I want to and despite society’s prejudice living woman free.
Sometimes you just have to jump in the deep end of the pool to see if you can swim.. @out2019 I think you know the answer..
The amount of self deceit, denial and repression I engaged in was incredible. The complex rationalizations I engaged in to convince myself that for example, me fantasizing about giving a blow job didn't mean I was gay, the fact that when I finally let myself look at a certain cute guy, I became aroused and instinctively wanted to pleasure him had nothing to do with being gay... Yes, looking back I realized often I was trying to 'prove' to myself that I wasn't gay (see, I just orgasmed with a woman). Although I have not been with a man yet, even when I fantasize, it's more about being with someone rather than 'getting off' If there has one thing that has been consistent through this whole process, - whenever I admit to myself that I am gay, a warm wonderful feeling of happiness and contentment washes over me. It really is like the answer has been with me the whole time..
So so true. I would make fun of gay guys giving and receiving blow jobs while secretly wishing it was me. I fantasized about being in their shoes while outwardly denying it.
I had something similar - I remember my girlfriend giving me a blow job and I realized I was jealous. I realized part of my perceived attraction to women was really jealously of what the were doing
It took me awhile to get to that realization. I pretended I found two guys having sex disgusting while secretly so turned on. I am ashamed that I held on to the lie of heterosexuality for so long and not being strong enough to admit I am gay. I so regret the jokes and insults I took part in about gay men all the while I was one myself.
That reminds me, in high school there was one gay kid I gave a 'wedgie' to - it means pulling up the shorts and/or underwear of someone from behind. - we didn't just pick on him this was something we tried to do for awhile -one of those stupid high school games. But I remember I was so perplexed why I couldn't masturbate about the 'girl with a nice ass' - why was it so hard to get aroused? Then I thought of the way his tight stretchy gym shorts were hiked up between his glutes instant orgasm! to this day it still gets me turned on! But I didn't think I was gay
