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How did your spouse take it when you told them about your sexuality?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RD Spencer, Feb 10, 2021.

  1. RD Spencer

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    How did your spouse take it when you told them about your sexuality?


    When I told my wife several years ago she didn’t seem to think it was a big deal nor did she seem surprised.
     
  2. DecentOne

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    Hi RD Spencer,

    At first my wife was having a hard time with it. In fact she has blocked the memory of the first time I came out, and remembers the second time (maybe 10 days later, when in the middle of a conversation it was clear to me she’d “forgotten”). I’d written here at EC that she was having a tough time. She now regrets what she said to me, and wishes I would not remind her. No matter what, I knew she loved me, and she was supportive of LGBTQ rights, it just was tough for her to grasp that her husband wasn’t straight.

    She was scared. Mostly I was getting lectures of how the (grown) kids were going to be devastated to hear their father wasn’t straight and I was NOT to tell them (we did tell them together 2-3 months later, my wife cried the whole time but the kids were great). Also lectures against polyamory (despite my reassuring her I have always been monogamous, and it wasn’t going to change our marriage).

    She was on an emotional roller coaster for a long while. But it got better, and she’s now giving me LGBTQ gifts and she told her story at PFLAG, etc. My coming out later became the excuse that got us into marriage counseling, which is a good side effect because we needed a tune-up at this empty-nester stage of life anyway.

    I am so glad I came out - to myself, to her, to the kids, to other family and at work. I feel much more authentic. If I had the chance to do it over, I’d do it the same way except with the addition of a letter I could hand over so she couldn’t “forget” everything loving that I was expressing in that first time.
     
    #2 DecentOne, Feb 11, 2021
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2021
  3. quebec

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    RD Spencer.....Coming out to my wife was the most difficult thing I have ever done. It was more difficult than the first time that I came out to someone. When I came out to her we had been married for about 36 years. We have had a good marriage. She was afraid that I wanted to change something about our marriage. I reassured her that I had never gone behind her back and that I did not want to change anything. I just needed for her to know the truth. My biggest fear was that she would want a divorce which she did not. Since then it's not something that we talk about very much. She will occasional make a pretty good gay joke but that's about it. :old_smile: I've decided that if she is comfortable with the status quo that I will leave it there. If she ever wants to talk about it, I am ready.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. RD Spencer

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    Thanks for your replies. I see how hard it can be.


    I forgot to mention that my wife told me she was Bi when we first met and of course I was fully excepting but I did not tell her about my sexuality until several years after we had been together.

    We don’t talk about it much though.
     
  5. Biappeal

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    I was nervous coming out to her even though I knew she suspected. When I did tell her I was gay she was not surprised. We do talk about my sexuality some but not really very deeply in the context of our relationship. However, we do have a very good relationship and it seems that my sexuality is not a concern to her.

    At some point, I do want to know what she really thinks about being in our mixed orientation marriage. I have been in the closet so long that I do feel the need to talk through how it has impacted my life and our marriage.

    I guess our story is still being written! I am hoping the last charter has to do with me being a proudly open gay man who is married to a fantastic woman.
     
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  6. SilentM

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    Mild disbelief. Then she comes out as a bisexual herself... to her family, few days later. Not me. She gets similar mild disbelief response. Then she goes in denial with her bisexuality and then with mine. This is the second cycle.
     
    #6 SilentM, Mar 1, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2021
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  7. Robyn mac

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    My long term girlfriend started our talk about me. She had gotten me out of a closet that I didn 't know I was in. She was supportive and arranged my gay dates while still together.
     
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  8. Nickw

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    My wife was surprised yet very understanding and supportive. After a couple years she became OK with me having intimacy with men. I now have a FWB who she adores. Today the three of us skied together. It’s a strange life but it seems to work.
     
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  9. I'm gay

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    My wife was shocked, and terribly hurt. It took many months of time to heal. We have a very good relationship now. She gets along with my boyfriend well, we even travel together (when we used to be able to travel, of course).
     
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  10. Lesbee

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    My partner knew I was bi when we first started dating, and now that I'm questioning whether I'm actually a lesbian (it's sure looking that way) he's still supportive of me finding what's true, but of course is very disappointed. We'll see how it goes if/when it looks like we need to break up.

    The stepfather that I grew up with since I was 7 (I'm now 40) came out to my mom when I was in high school. She took it very hard. It's actually very similar to what @I'm gay described. She was so hurt and angry at the time and felt it was a big blow to her (already low) self esteem. My stepdad said he had considered suicide rather than telling her, but is so glad he did (as are we all)! My mom has been very good friends with him and his boyfriends and husbands over the last several years, and she's still invited over for every family gathering and it's not awkward at all.
     
  11. lavalamp

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    I told my husband and he listened but then never brought it up again. Didn't ask questions. This response strangely shut me down - I'm not sure how to proceed.
     
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  12. Suitsme

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    When I finally got to the stage where I had no choice but to tell my hubby (I’d fallen in love with a woman and was to cracking up point), he said he wasn’t surprised at all. I opened up about me perhaps being non binary too. I went through hell at the time trying to find my labels and I still don’t really know for sure what my labels are. However, he’s been incredibly supportive.

    After we had the chat, we changed our relationship to that of best friends.

    I am me, I love who I love. Plain and simple. He is cool.
     
  13. Spaceman

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    She was shocked and kicked me out of the house, even though there had been no infidelity and she is not at all anti gay. She didn't want to explore any options other than divorce even though we had 2 young kids. I had wanted to stay friends but she had no interest.

    Seven years later we both have new husbands and the kids are doing great. Even so, she's still bitter and unpleasant and wants nothing to do with me. I've accepted we're not going to be friends, which makes me sad for the kids. But they're amazing and have good relationships with both of us.
     
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  14. SevnButton

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    Outwardly, my wife was really impressive and accepting. Her response gave me a lot of hope that we both could open up more and actually become closer. Since then she has told me that inwardly it tore her up and freaked her out. It's been a couple of years now. We're still working on things.
     
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  15. Choirboy

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    @Spaceman long time no talk! Glad to hear things are going well, at least the things that you have some kind of control over.

    When I came out to my wife it was largely to give her an excuse to end the marriage, because I knew enough of her emotional problems that if I was totally honest about how miserable I was with her, it would kill her. We had started out as friends, both of us dealing with difficult family situations, but I guess I was more resilient - or WANTED to be more resilient - because she has really spent her life very needy and immersed in her messed-up psyche, whereas I have always wanted to rise above mine, I also was largely aware when we got married that I was gay, but thought that once I had the life that I wanted, I could largely ignore my feelings towards guys. Had she not been such a mess, that might have been the case, but then if she was not a mess, we probably wouldn't have gotten together in the first place.

    I'm sure she had her suspicions and frequently used "are you gay or something?" as a stick to beat me with. I did figure out very quickly that she was most afraid of being abandoned and forced to grow up, and I felt enough responsibility for the situation that I have spent the last 7+ years throwing myself under the rainbow bus to protect her. Kind of stupid but as I said, we were friends first. I planned on staying together with her for the 5 or so years till our youngest was done with high school, but that plan blew up only a few months later when I started chatting with a wonderful guy on EC, whom I met in person a few weeks later and realized immediately was someone I did not want to lose, We moved in together a year later and are still as happy together and in love as we were 7 years ago.

    My kids had it worst, and I still wish there could have been a better way to deal with things for their sake. They caught the full brunt of their mother's fears and insecurities without me there as their buffer zone. They have grown up to be strong and determined young women and I suspect the experienced refined them in fire. Both are in very positive relationships that mirror my partner's and mine, far more than my relationship with their mother, and I have put a lot of effort into making sure that they see us together, and see us reaching out to them and their mother. They think of my partner as a beloved stepdad, and my ex has come to think of him as a good friend. I have brought him into my extended family without ejecting her, and it has worked out, She is going to be moving a couple hours away with the guy she has been seeing for the last 3-4 years, and we are buying the house. In the process I will probably end up being the first-call person for her 78-year-old mother, which is fine with me.

    It has been work. I am enough of a control freak that I wanted things "just so" and have put a lot of effort into being the safety net for everyone else, which has been my personality most of my life. But I pretty much have the life I hoped for and never expected to get, and I can only hope that those of you who are just peeking out of the closet can look back 7 years from now and be as happy with how things worked out as I am.
     
  16. Digdogger

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    My husband knows for a long time that I'm Bi, for as far as I know he has never had any problems with that...

    I also told him years ago that I don't really feel female, he didn't really like that since he likes feminine woman ( makes me wonder why he ever got with me in the first place, because when we met in high school I wore jeans, sneakers and sport jackets all the time, I did wear make up though, but I surely wasn't a poster girl for femininity).
    But anyway, since I have always tried to please him with my choice of clothing, I guess he didn't think much of it.
    Lately however I've been struggling more then ever with my gender and really finally want to be more true to myself... I'm not sure how that is going to manifest itself yet, since I'm quite insecure and I don't know how he is going to take it if I do make some changes.
    So that's a problem that's been on my mind a lot lately.
     
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  17. MikeL1962

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    My wife was hurt at first but somewhat supportive... we're still best friends and still cohabitate...but lead independent lives... although at some point that will end....but she took it well.
     
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  18. Eric55

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    When I came out to my wife she laughed and said she had known long before we married. She was not even slightly surprised. So far as she is concerned we are married and whatever we do in out marriage is by mutual consent or we do not have a real marriage. She is my rock and our marriage is solid.
     
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  19. Maldoone

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    This is a good thread.
    After some weeks trawling the net and reading about (this is before I found EC) gay husbands, I suppose mostly trying to confirm my 'label', I got a very stroppy email from 'Bonnie' who has a website with 'Doug' She told me in no uncertain terms that I owed it to my wife to tell her the truth etc. So with this pressure and the maelstrom in my head, I did tell my wife one tearful morning. It didn't go well. All of the expected reactions, the ones I had been warned about, came. "Did I make you gay?". "I want you out of here tomorrow!". Not wanting to take up residence under a bridge like some filthy troll, I begged my way back in. It was really, really horrible, and the worst experience of my life. My brother, who has been open and Out for 30 years was quite empathetic, but ultimately unsupportive. My wife, whom I thought didn't possess a single homophobic bone, now seemed to be my enemy. Or at least, someone with whom I would never discuss my true nature ever again. We're still living in the same house together. Sexual relations improved for a year, then vanished altogether. She once said that "evert time there's a problem, it comes down to you sex-life" I think that firmly jammed all further communication. I mean, thought that it wasn't just 'mine'. Anyway, I took refuge in being Bi for a while, as it was something she suggested, and I thought it a good compromise, not that we ever talk about it. The LGBT subject is studiously avoided chez moi. But I know I'm gay. It's not just a sexual urge, it's the warm fuzzy feeling I get when I see two guys kissing on the screen. The wanting to smile at two young guys holding hands in the airport, obviously in love.
    After a year or so, I decided to test my status with old friends. Disaster is an understatement. Not only would my male friends not accept it, but an long time woman friend took it upon herself to talk to my wife, saying that she "was so sorry to find out that you husband is gay, and I will do everything I can to support you". It took me about three days to get past that one, and avoid expulsion.
    So now I wait till late, so that I can secretly look through EC, searching for like afflicted souls. I enjoy watching gay films such as Akron, or Geography Club, It's a Sin, or Love Simon/Victor. All these coming out tales that i can't share.
    So I've resolved to do something about it. I did consult with a counsellor, and a support group who told be to get out there and do somthing. So I'm expanding my social life. Who knows, maybe I'll find someone. I'm going to give it a shot. Can't spend the rest of my life like this...
    Sorry for the rant. It all just came out before I could stop it...
     
  20. Snowqueen

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    Very badly, most women don't take the news of their opposite sex partner being gay at all well. My ex called me a filthy fag, amongst other things.
     
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