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How to tell someone you don't want to see them again politely and kindly?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lottaotter, May 26, 2021.

  1. lottaotter

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    Sorry for posting again- I know I've posted a few very similar threads recently but I've got myself into another stupid mess by being an idiot and not respecting my own boundaries or listening to my gut instincts.

    Long story short I have seen one guy I at from an app twice, and have a third date sort of planned for this weekend.

    I don't want to see him again. While I don't expect or want to have a partner who has exactly the same interests as me, we have COMPLETELY different lives. Plus he made some comments about older vigins being weird (I'm 27 and have never had penetrative sex).

    But mostly, I was just happy single. I forced myself to go back on a dating app because I thought everyone would think better of me if I wasn't single.

    I had got a handle on my anxiety and body image issues before I started dating again but now I'm spiralling, and quickly.

    I know he's expecting sex when we meet next time too, and I don't feel comfortable with that yet.

    How do I tell him I don't want to see him again? I'm so scared about making people feel bad or about being mean and horrible, but at the same time I need to start paying attention to my OWN needs and wants. I just want to be nice to everyone! It's taking a toll on my health and my other goals on life to date at the moment. I want to work on myself.
     
  2. SteveBi45

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    I would suggest to be honest with him, just has you have here in your post. Tell him that it was nice to meet him, but that right now you are happy being single. This should not make him feel bad - you are clearly taking ownership for your decision and for your reasons.

    Don't put yourself in a position that you are not comfortable with. Especially when it comes to sex. If you have stayed a virgin until now, this does not sound like the right guy to lose it to. Wait for the right guy who will respect you and will talk to you so you both move at a pace you are both comfortable with.
     
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  3. LivingTheDream

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    With all due respect, this guy sounds a little douchey. Definitely be firm and honest but polite. Explain the why's behind your decision.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    I think honesty is key. If there are things you have appreciated on the past two dates you can highlight what they were, but be clear about the reasons you wish to stop (the final paragraph offers your rationale). Be firm, but be fair too and don't offer false hope or make a commitment to staying as friends, because you can't really be part of the support network for someone you have broken it off with.

    The important thing is to come to the point quickly and keep the emphasis on your reasoning instead of placing the emphasis on them. You can say something like:

    "I thought I was ready for dating and relationships, but I'm afraid I was wrong and I now know that. I need to focus on some issues and give myself space to understand my wants, needs and future goals. It's nothing personal and I haven't met someone else, but I do want us to stop seeing each other. I really wish you well".

    It may not feel perfect to be so direct, but you can't sugar coat it either and it's better to do it this way than string it out. Please don't say it by text though. It's always better to say these things in person, even if it does seem harder. Telling people by text really is hurtful and I know that's what you wish to avoid.
     
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  5. Broccoli

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    Hmm, I think it's fine to do it by text if @lottaotter feels more comfortable doing it that way, given that they've only been on two dates. Agree that you wouldn't end a relationship by text, but this really isn't a relationship yet.
     
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  6. SteveBi45

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    I agree, text after two dates is ok. Not a long term relationship
     
  7. resu

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    Don’t ever feel obligated to go on a date. It’s not like friends/family where you already have a relationship in place.

    Personally, I feel like people have many reasons for such decisions, both internal and due to the other person, so don’t feel pressured to give a long explanation.

    Also, don’t let this blind you from other potential matches. Being single is totally fine, and hopefully you know better what you want when dating again.
     
  8. QuietPeace

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    I know that I am in the minority neurologically and that may affect how I feel about this. What I hate is having someone ghost me, that is what I find most hurtful.

    If someone did not want to see me or be around me anymore I would rather a text message or through whatever messaging system that we were using (or possibly a phone call if that person and I speak that way). Having me go out and meet them someplace to me would be a waste of my time, 10 seconds to tell me "I do not want to see you again" and then I have to go where ever after that because once someone tells me "it is over" I am not going to want to finish my meal/tea/whatever I am just going to want to leave no matter how polite they were about it.

    I do however agree that this would be a great way to phrase it
     
    #8 QuietPeace, May 27, 2021
    Last edited: May 27, 2021
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  9. Broccoli

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    @QuietPeace - also ASD here, but completely agree with you.
     
  10. PatrickUK

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    That's a fair point and thank you for mentioning it. Hopefully there will be enough in this thread for @lottaotter to make the decision that is right for him.
     
  11. lottaotter

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    Thanks for your replies everyone! It went fine. I texted him a short explanation and he was really chill about it. I feel relieved and I also feel like I'm getting my life back haha. I'll have to have a think about why I hated dating again so much before I try again.
     
  12. LivingTheDream

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    Thats awesome to hear!
     
  13. QuietPeace

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    I am glad that it worked out and that you feel better.
     
  14. Ram90

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    I suggest you take it as slow or as fast as you want. :slight_smile:. I'm glad it went well.