These past months have been a time for really discovering who I am. I last wrote about finding out that I am a lesbian. It was so clear I loved women. But in a way, my kind of love didn't seem "right". For example, I never understood the term sexy. What was it that made a woman sexy? A lot of questions later, I found myself learning about the different types of attractions. Knowing to discern the kind of attractions I felt towards different people really helped me on my journey to discovering myself. I realised when I saw women like Hailee Steinfield or Zendaya, I felt an aesthetic attraction towards them. When I thought about my crush, I felt romantic, sensual and aesthetic attractions to her. Asexual means someone experiences little to no sexual attraction. I experience no sexual attraction. I do experience other types of attractions. I may have a sexual desire, but it is void of sexual attraction. I may still enjoy sex, but for different reasons. Being asexual is different for everyone and this is what it is for me. I'm ace and proud!
To me the 'sexy' is basically just a different word for saying someone is 'beautiful' or 'hot'. (that said, sexy is a word I just don't use. it seems weird to say.). But I'm atleast partly ace too, so that may be some of the reason.
There is a need for honesty here. Asexuality has come to mean many different things to many different people and the definition of what it actually means to be asexual has become stretched beyond credibility in some online spaces. The long accepted and clearly understood definition of asexuality (based on qualitative studies and research) is actually very narrow, and so it should be because the number of people who are really asexual is fractional in proportion to the general population. It's a sad truth that many people are hiding behind the banner of asexuality in order to avoid difficult issues and conversations relating to their sexual identity. They are inserting their own ideas into what it means to be asexual, to the detriment of themselves and others. What they are doing is both unhealthy and potentially harmful. I don't say this lightly or without regard for those people who are struggling with these issues (which is why I have chosen my words very carefully), but we shouldn't broaden the definition of asexuality for the purposes of avoidance, or encourage others to take up the label without regard to their personal circumstances or feelings. Asexuality is real. It exists and I am not seeking to suggest otherwise, but the number of people who are asexual is nothing like the numbers we are seeing online. It just isn't.
I think people hide behind many banners, not just asexuality. I would think more people hide behind the banner of heterosexuality and bisexuality actually. But I also believe that everyone takes their own road to discovering who they are and they will use many labels on that journey until they get to a point that fits for them.
I do not understand this. It has been my understanding that when someone says that another person is "hot" that they are saying "there is someone who I would be interested in having sex with". That said my understanding of how most people talk is often confused by my neurology. For quite a while I used the label. I was disgusted by how people treated me in sexual situations and by being constantly harassed by men to have sex with them. Meeting and getting to know someone who really seems to care about me has changed this.
Thank you for sharing your experience and explaining why you came to hide behind the banner. It's totally understandable why you did it, but I think (I hope) you feel better and more empowered in confronting the real issues and finding someone to love and share yourself and your life with. Yours is just one example of why people choose to label themselves as asexual, without fully investigating causative issues. There are many more.
I do feel better about my current relationship and I hope that it will at least last a good amount of time. He does seem to care about me and I certainly care about him. (I do not use the four letter L word in relation to people anymore due to things that I have been through but that is a different discussion)
This makes a lot of sense. I think our libidos fluctuate over the course of our lives, depending on what is going on for us and how stressful we are finding things. I'm going through one of those times myself - since my revelation about my gender last year it has shut down or at least gone into deep storage. But that in no way means I'm asexual. I want to experience love again and I would like to be attracted and feel attractive to someone else but my body and brain is quite rightly saying 'not now, we wouldn't be able to cope'. Beth
You very well may be correct in that that is how most people feel about it.... Just for me/my personal view if I was saying 'hot guy' or 'hot girl' it would mean that I simply found them really good looking - (both cute & had a nice body), and not that I'd want to do anything sexual with them ... but my view of things might not be "normal" . LOL
I think this perspective is too prescriptive. Why not use the word asexual descriptively? @RedSun described their experience of being asexual I think at least we could respect that. Labels are supposed to be useful. I think you are trying to equate asexuality with homosexuality. Of course, someone can be homosexual but not act that way, so a descriptive definition of homosexuality would be very bad. However, who said it's exactly that way for asexual people?
Perhaps you should read and reflect on the entirety of what I said and not draw your own conclusions about what I did or did not mean. I chose my words very carefully and deliberately.
I did. I think you take issue with the statement "Being asexual is different for everyone" in the original post for example... I think your response was sudden and very indirect.
Well you clearly haven't reflected on the entirety of what I said at all, since you replied within minutes and still focus on a narrow point rather than the bigger and more serious issues. We are all different, regardless of our sexual identity. No two people experience life in the same way, so there is nothing to argue about there, but it is a fact that people have been going onto online forums and inserting their own ideas into what it means to be asexual in large numbers over the last 20 years and it's done great harm. It's been harmful to themselves, harmful to others and detrimental to the small asexual community actually. This is the significant detail that people choose to overlook. They think it's okay to insert and promote their own ideas or create niche identities and tell other people they are the same, but it's not okay. In so many cases it causes more confusion, distress and harm. Pushing back against all of that is sometimes necessary. It's not done with the intention of hurting or offending people, but to highlight some important issues relating to the emotional wellbeing of the entire community.
I'm with Patrick here. Of course, everyone experiences sexuality in a different way, and no one will have the exact same experiences of another person. However, words still mean something. In an absurd example, I can't point to a chair and say it's a car and expect people to understand me. By definition, asexuality is the lack of sexual interest/desire and sexual attraction to others. The word doesn't measure "how much attraction" you experience, so a gay man with low libido is still a gay man, because sexual desire is present, even if it isn't as frequent as another gay man who has a higher sexual drive. It is also important to remember that there is no credible scientific evidence for the separation of romantic and sexual attraction, as if these are different and completely separated concepts In other words, if there is sexual interest and the desire to participate in sexual activities, then there is sexual attraction and, therefore, we aren't talking about asexuality here. Even though this might seem excludent, it is actually important to respect the fact that there are indeed people who have no interest in sex, and that's why they call themselves asexuals. It's understandable that, in a world that isn't friendly towards people who aren't straight, many people become confused and end up creating new words or meanings to already existing concepts. However, in the end, that only creates more confusion, becoming harder for people to identify and accept themselves.
Not sure if my history sort of fits what you're talking about (as far as being using the asexual label to hide). I grew up devoutly southern baptist in one of the states that just passed a barrage of anti-LGBT hate laws this spring. I knew as I was hitting puberty that I was a little too interested in women and it wasn't safe to be in my family or community, so I suppressed that as best I could early on. I knew by my early 20's that I had zero attraction for guys. And so I essentially labeled myself as asexual (because it seemed more acceptable than my true probable label). And I've spent SO long suppressing my feelings or lack of for women that now it's a little confusing. It made me confused for awhile as to whether I was asexual or gay and just repressed (my therapist thinks likely the latter). I wasn't sure if it was possible to be lesbian and on the asexual spectrum or (again) if it's just me not letting myself feel things because that's what I'd trained myself to do. May not help the conversation. I dunno.
