Trying to figure out if trans feelings are genuine.

Hello everyone. I was just thinking to myself, and I decided I'd put my thoughts out here for others to reply to. Physically speaking, I have a very masculine body, so any kind of cross gender kind of expression comes across as fairly forced. (looks wise, but not as much behavior wise) And its not uncommon for me to dream of myself as another gender or crossdress in my dreams. In fact, even when I am a man in my dreams, which is most of the time, my mental image of myself is often not very true to my actual body.

I don't usually actually feel or act feminine in real life, but then again, I've never had a safe way to express it either. It's kinda been a suppressed thing since I was little. I don't think I would shun such things if it were to come in a natural way, without fear of judgement. I just know, that I take very little pride in my appearance and feel as if there is an outlet of expression missing to me.

I don't know how much of it is simply a feeling of unfulfillment and longing for something I don't have, and how much of it actually represents a genuine way of being? I don't think I would be unhappy as a woman, but I honestly don't think I would be happier either. It'd just be replacing my current problems with different problems.

So I wonder, how much of this is just dreaming and longing for what I don't have, or how much of this is genuinely a need to express the feelings and desires of some inner, feminine version of myself?

 

To be honest, I really don't think a transition is feasible at all, nor do I really think it would be a good idea for me. I have found expression creatively through work. Art, stories and role playing, seems to create a place where I can imagine other worlds and other people and slip into a different pair of shoes for a while. Tales of adventurous and brave women, gentle women, clever and sarcastic ones, and the friends and monsters you meet along the way. Of course men play a big part in these stories too, but I often find that I inadvertently make a lot of the female characters richer and more compelling. It's like it's easier to open them up emotionally and visually speaking.

This kind of reflects how I feel as a man. I have this rich and active mind, but I feel trapped and expressionless in a body that more and more resembles that of the stereotypical background white collar middle aged man. Boring and mild. And I HATE that I'm losing my hair, it is something that I'm very self conscious about in public and am struggling to accept. I almost feel that by losing my hair, I'm losing some part of my individuality. I kinda wish I had tried to grow it out when I was younger because now I feel I will never get the chance. In short, I want to be seen as colorful and expressive as the mind that is inside me, but instead I end up feeling just... plain and invisible.

I think that I have long been somewhat jealous of the breadth and freedom of expression that a lot of women (at least, in the community where I live) enjoy. Complicated romantic feelings for the sexes aside, I don't feel like the longing is as much to BE a woman, although sometimes the thought is appealing, but it is to be able to experience that different side of life that I feel is missing from mine.

 

I do like color. I feel like it reflects my mood. I usually avoid dark moody colors for that reason. I tend to either like things that are either loose and flowy or more form fitting. Things in the middle are just kind of bland.
I do like patterns too. Stripes and textures... I used to have some really cool print shirts. I wore them until they fell apart.
I actually have like these weird baggy capri things too. I'm actually wearing them right now. They're so nice and breathable! Feels great in summer!

You know, maybe my clothes aren't so bad. I could spice things up a little though. I haven't bought anything for myself for a long time.