I am a 32yo male, I've been married for 13 years in Dec. My wife was the first person I came out to... I've known since I was 13 that I could be with a man sexually and emotionally, but repressed the feeling. I am the only male with my last name and was always told "you have to carry the name on", and I wanted a family. My wife has tried to get me to acknowledge my feelings for a long time but outside of the bedroom I would get defensive and upset when she did. To me it was always just a kink that I enjoyed... recently I have been very depressed and anxious, feeling uncomfortable in my own life. I am attracted to men and women, so I lean on the "I'm bisexual" statement. But, I like being feminine. I like being masculine too, but feel like there's a side of me I've ignored. I enjoy dressing up with my wife, and she has been supportive even though I know it makes her insecure. It's not like I want to be feminine all the time, but I like the idea of being able to when I want. I'm worried that I've just been in denial about how I really feel, and am worried about damaging my marriage and what that might do to my kids. Lately I've been trying to accept this part of me and not just bury it down, but I feel like if I think about it long enough that I'm probably gay. I love my wife and family, and am very attracted to her. I just wonder if years of telling myself I can't be gay have programmed me to deny it even in acceptance. I'm wondering if there can even be a middle ground in this situation, one where I can acknowledge who I am without it tearing my marriage apart. Thanks for advice and support, and for reading my ramblings.
Welcome to EC. Your wife seems supportive so far and possibly even more accepting of your differences than you currently are so I do not see how you would be damaging the relationship. Raising children to be open and accepting of differences is only considered harmful or damaging to the children by narrow-minded, hateful people. Celebrating differences is not bad at all, children start out very accepting and if raised in a caring environment can stay that way. The first and second parts do not seem to line up to me. If you find some women attractive I see that as being bisexual not homosexual.
@MustIsayit I've been married for 35 plus years. I came out to my wife as bisexual 5 years ago. For several years now, I have had a boyfriend who is like part of the family. My wife adores him. We make it work because we love each other and remain open, honest and committed. I'm not saying this works for you. But, bisexuality is real and your wife is supportive. So, you can make this work if it is right for you.
Thank you for your replies. I guess at this point I need to keep exploring and communicating with my wife, it's strange to be 32 and feel like I don't know who I am.
@MustIsayit I don’t think by this point you can say it enough. Bisexuality is Valid and does exist for many people. I think more even than we really know. And that goes for all orientations in the lgbtq community. Whichever one you are it’s only up to you to decide and discover and adopt. Even if you decide not to take any action because it will complicate things in your life and damage your marriage, then just talking about it can also be helpful.
Yeah that's what i told myself for years, it was a fetish/kink. Same here - but does it give you more pleasure to be that way with a woman or man? Yes repression and denial can be incredibly powerful. One question that might help imagine you had no obligations, wife, family, and you knew no one and were in a friendly LGBTQ city... When you remove all the outside stuff, what does your dream life look like? I am not saying this is a practical solution of course - I am just saying this might give you some clarity. I am not married, this is a different question from self acceptance of course - but I do believe there are posters here who are married and chose to remain married but acknowledge they are gay or bi.
This is the thing, if I thought about it I'd want to at least try being with a man, but I am afraid it's all for a selfish sexual gratification. I have no real experiences to glean from, other than my experiences with my wife. I just know it's always been something I want to try.
