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Struggling to accept myself

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Cat Lady, May 3, 2021.

  1. Cat Lady

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    I'm 37, and I've pretty much always known I'm not straight. Knowing and accepting are two totally different animals, and I'm struggling with the acceptance part.
    I suppose acceptance would be easier if I could out a name on it. I'm pretty sure I'm pan, but idk if that's it. Am I over thinking this?
    I'm also having loads of anxiety over the idea of coming out. Like I feel sick just thinking about it because I know most people won't accept me. Part of me wonders if this fear and anxiety I'm having is part of the reason I'm struggling to accept myself.
    I don't want to hide who I am anymore, and I don't know how to get over my anxiety enough to stop hiding.
    Sorry if this is rambly and incoherent. I'm just lost.
     
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  2. Lemony

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    Hi Cat,
    Maybe we should start with what brought you to EC, what happened for you to make an account here?

    I am bisexual so I know how the anxiety feels when you’re trying to figure it all out and the fear. Know we are all here for you and ready to listen. :heart:
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    Welcome to EC.

    I know what it is to worry about not being accepted. I myself was rejected by my family and I encountered such opposition where I lived that first I moved to a different city and eventually I changed what country I lived in.

    It is possible to accept yourself even if no one around you does. What being around accepting people does help with is living a full life as your true self. We really need to be out to the people who we are intimate with. Could you find a city some place close to where you live where there might be an LGBT+ group that meets? This way you do not have to worry about the judgement of people where you live but can also have accepting friends.
     
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  4. I'm gay

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    I believe the biggest stumbling block to self-acceptance is shame.

    I think much of the anxiety and fear about coming out is rooted in your perception of how other people will react to you. Knowing the people in your life, and their general attitudes, you predict they will not accept you. I don't know if that's accurate or not, since I don't know you or the people in your life, but my experience was that some of the people I thought would not accept me, readily did.

    For me, I had to finally give up on caring about what people thought of me. Once I realized that I do not have control over what people thought of me, and really I never did no matter how much I tried to manage other people's perceptions of me, then it stopped actually being important. Shame fell away soon after.

    If you search YouTube for Brene Brown's videos on shame, you will see many videos that are highly recommended to watch. She has very helpful insight and advice on dealing with shame.
     
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  5. QuietPeace

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  6. Suitsme

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    You’re not rambling and you’re not incoherent :slight_smile:

    I was pretty much in the same boat when I was 38. What triggered me after years of ignoring my sexuality and gender was the fact that I fell in love with a woman. She fell in love with me. It knocked me sideways.

    Acceptance followed, then everything just came to a head and if you can imagine a massive jumble of knotted wires in your head and stomach with everything misfiring, that’s how I felt. I joined a forum similar to this one and confused myself even more. It took a heap ton of guts to come out to my husband and family. I felt ashamed, guilty, selfish and plain bad to the bone.

    Once I’d come out and people accepted it I then went on my journey of self discovery and beat myself up because I couldn’t find the right labels for me. I didn’t know if I was female, male, somewhere in between. I didn’t know if I was lesbian, bi, pan. I hadn’t got a clue and I literally nearly had a full on nervous breakdown.

    A kind soul said to me, “You are you, you are unique, just be yourself and forget labels”

    I’m 51 now and I just live each day, accepting myself for my differences to most people and love who I love. I accept me and all my eccentricities.

    Try not to be ashamed and try not to beat yourself up. As that person said to me, “You are you and you are unique”. Love who you love and accept yourself for the amazing person you are. Just take your time in coming out and start with people you’ll feel most comfortable with and then go from there.
     
    #6 Suitsme, May 5, 2021
    Last edited by a moderator: May 5, 2021
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Cat Lady,

    As has been said above, you don’t need to put a label on your sexuality. However, if you do want a label, then it might be easier to start with a description and work towards a label. For example, I just identified as “prefers women” for a few months, sat with that and came to terms with it, and then changed my sexuality to “lesbian”. Also, you’re not committed to any one label for eternity. If you reflect and decide the label that you initially choose is not accurate, then you can change it.

    With regards to anxiety and coming out, I would suggest perhaps breaking it down into small steps, rather than seeing it as one big hurdle. For example, you could find a local LGBT group or similar and attend a meeting, where you would be surrounded by like minded people. Or, you could start by coming out to one or two people who feel will be accepting. Start small and that might help to build up your confidence, and with time, you will hopefully gain acceptance of yourself so that it does not cause so much anxiety.

    If you find that you are really stuck, then you could also consider speaking with a therapist and work with them to set some goals to help you move forwards.
     
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  8. SteveBi45

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    You are not over thinking it. I think most people here have been on the same journey as you.

    I’m 45 and have just recently become comfortable in saying I’m bisexual. It was always a topic for me that I pushed aside, until the last 6-7 years and more intensive in the past 2 years. Probably part of a mid-life crisis where I decided it’s time to figure out who I am.
     
  9. quebec

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    Cat.....If you want a label that's great. If you don't want a label that's great too! :old_smile: You get to decide how to describe yourself, no one else does, and if you decide to change it...go right ahead! You can talk to people here on Empty Closets in the sub-forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation". There are people there who have gone through the same kind of things that you are and can help you. Also you don't need to be in a rush...take your time! Please remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care! Please keep us updated on how this all works out! :old_big_grin:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  10. out2019

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    Shame can definitely block acceptance...I once asked myself, if everyone I knew died, or I moved to a new city where literally no one knew me, would I start living like a gay man? I realized ALL fear was about what OTHERs thought like @I'm gay says below. That didn't mean those obstacles were gone but it did mean I understood them better...

    Yes! It's also completely changing how people perceive you - so really any change can create some anxiety because our relationships to others change a little - for example a close friend might wonder - 'why didn't he tell me before since he's known all these years, doesn't he trust me?"

    This is really good advice - when we think about 'coming out' it can be overwhelming - and literally flip your life upside down. Most people take small steps. Also as @LostInDaydreams suggests you may find it easier to go to a group. I called my local LGBTQ center, and I realized, I felt perfectly normal and happy and comfortable saying I was gay...

    I am not fully out yet but my plan is not to come out to friends and family first, but rather become part of this community first.
     
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  11. Contented

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    At the beginning of coming to terms with my same sex attraction it seemed that identifying as bi was the right thing also easier. However in a short period time bi was simply not an accurate description as I was gay and I knew it. I at first didn’t want the label gay but once I became comfortable in my “gay” leanings I developed a pride in being myself. Since then I have identified as gay and am proud to label myself as such. Frankly I want everyone to know I am gay period!
     
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  12. Kevins1197

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    I’m the same way I’ve known since elementary school that I’ve found some boys attractive. But it wasn’t until my late teens did it I start to question my sexuality… long story behind that, but in my late 20s I admitted to myself that I’m bisexual.
     
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  13. Peterpangirl

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    It is certainly possible even if key people reject the real you.....and there will always be some people who are more accepting than you thought possible. Ultimately, however, there is nothing more empowering than self acceptance.
     
    #13 Peterpangirl, May 25, 2021
    Last edited: May 25, 2021
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