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Male Virgin at age 47

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Chris1024, Apr 28, 2021.

  1. Chris1024

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    I'm probably a true virgin which mean I never had a single date, never kissed , hugged anyone and not by choice. I'm not raised with any religion.

    The reason is very simple, i'm extremely unattractive. My facial features are beyond terrible. I'm not extremely ugly that people are staring at me but i'm invisible to any woman.

    When I went out in the past with friends I was always the one that ended up alone at the end of the night. Even drunk girls were disgusted by me when I approached them. I was very aware of the issue and felt horrible that I couldn't resolve the problem.
    I tried 2 jaw surgeries to correct some of my issues but it backfired, the issue became worse because my jaw muscles couldn't adapt to the new position of the jaw. So i'm simply a virgin because of looks, being extremely unfortunate to live with these horrible looks. Also confirmed by many women, in the past I bot bulled a lot because I was thin and looked weak and had a very pale, narrow and flat face. I'm also a semi ginger which mean my beard is red and my hair is brown/red which mean in summer I remain extremely pale. Got many comments about how I look sick. Nothing can be done about this because my mother has red hair and suffer from the same problem. My face is very narrow and shapeless (because my jaw muscles pulled my lower jaw down in puberty) and also flat, with very small facial features like a child.
    Got bullied a lot because of my looks, women were especially nasty to me. My parents did not care and told me to just live on my own. My sister called me weak and a loser and I shouldn't care about being ugly.

    So yea all my friends are settled , have kids etc and I ended up as recluse as expected.

    Even though I had this horrible past I finally feel quite happy. From 16 to around 34 I felt horrible and lonely at times. but closer to age 40 I started to accept the situation. Now at 47 I feel sad and happy at the same time, I don't know how to explain exactly.
    For me it feels completely logical to be a virgin and never had a date. Even at younger age I could not believe there would be anyone out there that wanted to give me a chance. 100% of all women reject me, attractive, unattractive, fat, ugly, pretty, young, old it doesn't matter. I't like i'm not a human being.

    I did try dating sites when I was younger, but I stopped. There were no women interested in my looks.
    For instance in the Netherlands we have this datingsite where you chat first with someone and then pictures of each other will slowly be revealed. I would always get blocked once the photos became visible.

    So yea, i'm not angry at any woman, because if I were a woman and saw this guy I would also skip him.

    I just knew I was f*cked at quite an early age.
    So yea I have decided to die as a virgin. I will not pay for it. TBH i'm pretty discusted by human beings, often I don't feel human myself. It's probably because I live isolated now.
    I never had true friends, never had contact with a single woman (also not friendly) no contact with family either.

    So yea I probably have it the worst of all. Never kissed/hugged/sex/dated once in my life.
    Am I only one out there being a true virgin? Most other stories I read are people that atleast kissed or hugged someone. Never came across a personal story with someone that thought they were virgin because of looks. Most of the time because of religion.

    Sorry about my English, i'm Dutch.

    I wanna know if i'm the only one? It feels completely logical for me to ended up like this.
     
    #1 Chris1024, Apr 28, 2021
    Last edited by a moderator: May 2, 2021
  2. QuietPeace

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    Welcome to EC. I am sorry that you have had such a rough time.

    First, you should never try "hooking-up" with a drunk person. Second, this sounds as if you were going to a singles bar with friends. Such places are very shallow and a terrible place to really meet someone, even for classically "pretty" people.

    Your mother found someone and we women are judged even more by our looks.

    As with singles bars dating sites are very shallow and a terrible place to really try to find someone. It is far better to do things that you are interested in and develop friendships and then from that you can possibly find someone who would be a good match.

    Actually your entire post comes across as very angry.

    Well since you already decided that you would never be with anyone you probably put off the same vibe in real life that you have in this post and that will definitely push people away. I think you seriously need therapy to work on your self esteem. Once you have done the real work you can try finding friends and then see how that develops.

    Actually there are entire communities of men who get together to talk about how angry they are at women because they do not get sex.
     
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  3. ShyBirdy

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    Welp- I'm a virgin at 40 due to mental health issues. I'd say- don't give up, and you're not alone. I hope you find people who love you for who you are.
     
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  4. I'm gay

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    So you're too ugly for friendships too? I've never heard of that.

    Or perhaps you avoid people so they don't have a chance to reject you?

    It sounds like you decided long ago, based upon your experiences, that you were just too ugly for women to date you, and so you stopped trying. It makes sense, and I'm sorry that you've been rejected so many times. But there are countless people out there, who consider themselves to be unattractive, in relationships and marriages, so I don't believe there is no one for you.

    I can't guarantee you will find your mate. I can only guarantee you will never find her if you don't try.
     
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  5. chicodeoro

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    Chris, in the UK there is a show called 'The Undateables'. I don't normally like 'reality' TV, but it's the most heart-warming, glow-inducing reality show there is on British TV. The premise is that they follow people who feel that they are 'undateable' - whether that is because they're physically disabled, have mental health issues, learning difficulties or whatever - on a date. And quite often these people, even if they don't fall in love (and many do!) at least feel more confident in themselves and don't feel so hopeless about their romantic prospects afterwards.

    The point being is that nobody is too 'ugly' or 'unattractive' to fall in love. (I'm placing those words in scare quotes deliberately.)

    For what it's worth this 51 year old transwoman thinks looks are a small part of what makes her attracted to someone. Being interested in the world and being interesting, having a good heart, being kind, being cultured, being open-minded, being funny - all of these are far more important than looks.

    I bet you have loads of great qualities and talents that one woman out there could - and quite possibly might - fall in love with.

    And your English is really good (better than a lot of native speakers, believe you me). There you go! That's a talent you already have - knowing another language!

    Beth
     
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  6. Suitsme

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    Lots of people out there do not think about looks. Some bond emotionally with others both in a friendship/platonic way and also in romantic ways.

    I know of a man who in his younger years was in a fire and his face burned very badly yet he met someone, married her and had children. He was a local character and people loved him regardless of his disfigurement.

    There are a lot of people with disabilities too (I’m one of them) who still find good friends and partners.

    I think because of your past hurt with bullies and down right nasty folk it may have scarred you mentally into believing that you are not worthy of friendship or love in any form. You’ve closed down and shut yourself away because perhaps you can’t even love yourself?

    As people, we are absolutely more than just how we physically look. I’m totally not the person people see on the outside and my disabilities make me even more different than who I really am on the inside. But no matter what, I’m worthy of love like everyone else is and you are too.

    Mindset can make us who we are and our personality and charm is far more defining than any “looks”.

    You are far more than how you look. You are an amazing human being with strength and you have a right to be loved as a friend and as a partner ..... but most of all you have a right to love yourself.

    If we hate how we look then we give off a vibe to others that is negative and it is that vibe can affect all our relationships, not the looks.

    I hope I’ve made sense. You’ll find many friends here in this forum :slight_smile: :slight_smile:
     
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  7. Suitsme

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    Well said Beth!

    I’m also 51 :slight_smile: my face is definitely not who I am. neither is my body. We have so many other qualities that make us who we are.
     
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  8. Mirko

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    Hi there, and welcome to the community. It's good that you have joined and posted about how you see yourself because this is the first step in working towards overcoming the roadblocks you have placed in your path. The way you see yourself, the way you describe yourself and concentrate on everything that you don't like about yourself, has a way of eating away at you, including your self-confidence and self-worth. Humans are hard wired to be self-critical; it is a lot easier to be self-critical than it is to be self-loving and accepting one's imperfections (even though they are not that to begin with). Let's face it: what are we 90% of the time saying to ourselves when we see ourselves in the mirror? Of course, we also compare ourselves to everyone around us, which often leads us to fear and shame.

    The one thing to keep in mind when trying to date, make friends, or just trying to get to know someone, is that the person or persons standing across from you and next to you, will take the cues from you.

    It is a problem that you have never been kissed, had an intimate relationship, or been hugged? No it isn't because all of these things can and will still happen. First things first though: try to work on yourself first. Try to learn to accept who you are - try to be okay with 'this is you,' and then slowly build towards being good with it, and then towards accepting it fully. It is easier said than done, and will require some work, but if you are willing to give it a try, it's worth a try.

    I would suggest trying to watch and reflect on shame and vulnerability to start. Brene Brown who has done amazing work on these very subjects, on 'Listening to Shame,' which might already give you some thoughts or insights on things:

     
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  9. ShyBirdy

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    I would also recommend counselling. You seem to have a really terrible view of yourself, and it is worth it to work on that and improve your self image (speaking from experience here.) And improving your mental health isn't just to help you in relationships, it will help you in all aspects of your life (again, speaking from experience)

    Please don't give up!
     
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  10. Chris1024

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    I'm sorry, it was a total impulsive action to write the story. Haven't read all of the posts yet. But it's good to know I am not the only one.
    I always have extreme selfdoubt and I'm convinced now that something is terribly wrong with me.

    But yea I just say to myself that there are many people in horrible relationships and that I have more freedom than many other people and that I don't have it so bad. And I say that there are also many people with terrible diseases or people that die at such an early age before their life has even begin properly.

    But sometimes I just see young women and think about what my life would be like if I met someone in my lets say 20s and build up a life with her. Or I see even younger girls... around 16 - 18 and then I wonder when I was that age that I was unable to speak with them, I never learned any social skills because I got rejected before given any chance. Nothing really changed I still get ignored by any woman like I don't exist. And it's been said many times that I have atrocious looks, my faceshape is actually semi deformed.
    My life is really empty... every day is like groundhog day for 15 years or so and I don't have the power to change that. Not having met anyone in my youth is really a horrible feeling. All friends, collegues, family members hook up with someone and I just ended alone like a recluse.

    Well I guess I still exist and move on till it's finally over.
     
  11. QuietPeace

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    People are often told that their problems are not as bad as others and we absorb that and then gaslight ourselves in the same way. What other peoples lives are like does not matter. What matters is how you feel about your life, your feelings are valid. As I said above, I think that you really need therapy.

    I also am filled with regrets wishing that I had made different decisions at nearly every important juncture in my life. The thing is that wishing the past were different can never get us anywhere. It wastes time in the present and does not fix anything. You have to start with where you are now and try to progress from here.

    If you decide that you cannot change anything then you will never try, and if you never try then of course you will never succeed. A self fulfilling prophecy. You can change yourself and that is the first step in changing how your life is.

    What others do or have done is not the point. If you do decide that you want to be alone or that being alone is all that can happen, again self fulfilling prophecy. You need to make changes in yourself in order for your life to change.

    If that is what you decide to do with your life then fine it is what you do with your life. If you want change though then take your life into your own hands and move forward. As I have suggested more than once, getting into therapy and working on your self esteem is the first step. If you do not want to work on it though then you are building your own future.
     
  12. chicodeoro

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    I remember feeling a bit like this in my 20s. I'd had my first serious relationship between the ages of 19 and 23 and then...nothing for another 7 years. I remember casting envious glances at friends and contemporaries who seemed to find it so easy to get girlfriends.

    But..I didn't dwell on it unnecessarily. The rest of my 20s was spent well, enjoying life, drinking (too much), socialising, playing sport, trying to start a career, but most of all making friends, most of whom still make up the support structure I carry around with me now.

    What I would say is don't give in to self-pity. Think constructively - what do you want to achieve here - a more interesting life? Or a relationship? Or both? Cultivate the friendships you have - one friend of mine set me up with a mate of hers on a blind date and it led to a three year relationship. What are your interests - develop your friendships around those. If you can afford it, therapy will undoubtedly help. Are you happy in your work? If not, then maybe think of a career change.

    It's easy to sink into a morass of woe-is-me moaning. We've all been there at some point in our lives - honestly, I know I have! But long term it doesn't help and if you genuinely do want to move forward that kind of thinking gets in the way. If you have the courage to change your mindset you will undoubtedly find doors begin to open up for you and things will get better.

    Beth
     
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  13. Chris1024

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    Well, I simply skipped all that because I had no chance. As soon as people noticed me for the first time I got already rejected. With my facial deformities and sick looking appearance it was simply impossible to socialize. I got ignored or ridiculed espeicially by women.I really had a hard time, so I locked myself up and decided to play games, watch series, read books and have a job with no collegues. I felt like not bothering anyone was the best solution.

    I think my life will continue to be like this, it's already been like this for over 20 years so I kinda got used to it. I rarely feel bad about it, maybe once in 2 months I'll feel down. It was totally different in my 20s and early 30s where I was lonely and suicidal. Somehow it changed, the older I get the less I feel the need to socialize. My sexdrive is also zero and I'm really happy with that, in my 20s I had to suppress it with pills and it's not needed anymore.

    I don't have self pity, I simply don't want to bother anyone, I only annoy people with my appearance and presence. I chose this path because it would be the least hurtful instead of experiencing rejection all the time, It happened a lot and never got used to it completely. I only try to exist and survive.

    I tried some help but people really don't understand. They agree with my appearance is quite shocking. I told them i'm possibly the most unattractive person on earth with horrible looks and also no charm. I said I will stay alone all my life (forever alone). Their responce was" how do you know if you have never dated" ... well that's exactly the problem, I'm too ugly to even go on date with anyone. So yea the psychologists are clueless, they don't understand how it is living with a far below average appearance.

    Every day I still feel disgusted by my looks, I never look in any mirror which can be quite challanging when driving. If I accidently see myself I feel down and I have every reason to. The ugliness is not in my mind it's really there. I'm deformed and it's acknowledged by jaw surgeons and plastic surgeons. They tried to fix the issues but it was not possible because jaw muscles are in an unnatrual position. I have a gnathologist (specialised dentist in jaw muscles) but the treatment did not help at all, now I will try botox and try to relax the muscles.

    I don't have any longtime plans, I just survive every day till I die. I hope to speak other people that have a similar life as I have. But it seems like i'm really the worst case.
     
  14. chicodeoro

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    Chris, I don't want to be blunt, but, really, your posts are filled with self-pity.

    Yes, some of us have been dealt sh***y hands in life. Some have family trauma, some have been bereaved long before they should be, some have disabilities and mental health issues. The people I admire are those who despite everything life throws at them continue to (like plants) lean towards the light, who are determined to make the most of this one life we're given and don't give up because they know that the joy of being able to give and receive love (in whatever sort of human relationship) is so so sweet and what keeps our world spinning.

    You seem a deeply unhappy person and despite all the encouragement and positivity we've sent your way appear almost blissfully at ease in the mire of your misery. If that's the way you want to live your life, well, good luck my friend is all I can say.
     
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  15. SimplyJay

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    I'm also virgin, never dated/kissed/cuddled/etc, and in my late 40's.
    I'm basically unloveable & nearly unfrindable, but that said, I'm ok with being single (and really better off single too because it also means I'll never end up heartbroken...)
     
  16. Chris1024

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    Yes you got a point there... a long time ago when I was in my teens and early twenties I very often saw my sister crying and heartbroken due to broken relationships. I guess that's a big advantage for us to never experience these kind of issues.

    Also I have been browsing a bit around the internet and found many stories about people at our age that also never experienced anything. Seems like we're not that rare and that makes me feel a bit better. Not everybody got a lovelife even though in my enviroment everybody has one.

    I don't have self pity even though it might seem like that. When I was young I had girls laughing about my looks... rating my looks a 2 or 3... and one girl felt sorry for me and started to treat me better... but it was the most horrible feeling in the world that someone felt bad for me... it's the last thing I want. I guess I unleashed mother protection out of her.

    It was an increadibly bad feeling knowing you are physically unattractive when I were young. But the hardest part is that it was an issue that couldn't be solved. I simply had super bad luck to have such a f*cked up faceshape. I'm glad that you can mentally deal with it better at later age... but I always have this horrible feeling that I missed something in my life.... I'm happy and sad at the same moment.
     
  17. Chris1024

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    Hello, well that was just a test from around 20 years ago. I knew I was bad looking but I wanted to test if I could approach someone that drank a lot since their standards will perpaps be a bit lower. I was certainly wrong... she gave me this disgusted look while other guys that approached her she did not reject them instantly. I did seek some help... but really the psychologists were really nervous when I visisted them... they agreed with and didn't know what to do about it.


    Well the thing is... my father was actually really good looking, handsome, tall, dark hair, blue eyes. Same with my sister she has far above average looks and she ended up with an alpha male I guess..... 1.90m, black hair, blue eyes, and not arrogant at all.
    Yes in puberty I literally received comments "how can you be so ugly and your sister so pretty?" Even then I did not care.. I didn't like my looks what others thought didn't matter.


    Yea I just wanted to give it a try but yea to be honest I already expected it would happen. Still the rejections were very tough. You never really get used to it. The problem is the moment any woman notice me I'm already rejected.


    Well those days are over. I was super angry in my teens and twenties. But not angry at women, they want good genes and I simply don't have them. I can't blame them. It's how nature works. Closer to 40 I finally started to feel more peaceful, it's like my testosteron levels dropped. But also true acceptance I geuss. So I was only really angry at nature. I did have suicidal thoughts as I believe I'm a evolutionary failure. Nature is always striving for perfection, thats how women choose their partner. They want the best genes to reproduce. So in my opinion I should terminate myself. If I lived in the wild I would also die.


    Possibly yes. But it's not like I have ever received a fair chance. My self esteem is indeed extremely low. But i'm still proud at myself that I survived, being a recluse since my early twenties is not an easy time to come by. Personally I think I need a lot of money and then try to find a facial reconstruction surgeon. But since that's not possible I just have to accept and move on.


    I have heard of them, the incel community. I'm not a person angry at women. Like I said I understand women totally why they ignore and skip me. I chose not to be angry at women.
     
  18. Chris1024

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    I have read such stories many times on internet. The men that are virgin do often have mental issues. Either that or it's due to religion. I still believe I am mentally pretty stable. I still think my looks are 100% to blame, bad appearance - charm- never being given a chance to show my personality. I just have horrible self esteem but that's of course to be expected for people in my situation.
     
  19. bingostring

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    sounds like you have had actually been BULLIED a lot in the past ...
    this will have been very damaging and, what with everything else people have to go through, it is no wonder you have negative self image and more so than other people in your situation
    Your post does sound like a pit of negativity and you’re perspective on your self image may be completely skewed.
     
  20. Chris1024

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    Yes I have been ridiculed a lot about my looks when I was younger and it caused me to have a blush phobia. I also couldn't get jobs because of my looks and I certaintly couldn't date with my looks.
    But the hardest part for me is that I tried to fix my face with jaw surgery. It somehow only made matters worse. I had jaw surgery twice. The result of the first surgery ended ok-ish. But the jaw surgeon wasn't satisfied with the result so I got operated again and that result was even worse than the first surgery in addition I ended up with chronic nerve pain and chronic muscle pain because I can't close my mouth.
    So yea I'm not just ugly, i'm deformed. Ugly people usually still have a proper facial bone structure. So in my opinion there is a difference between an ugly face and a deformed face. Ugly people still can compensate with charm and appearance. I got many negative comments about my looks between age 16 and 25 and sadly there was no woman that wanted to give me a chance but it's totally understandable.

    I'm not really seeking any advice as I accepted the situation for at least 15 years already. I was just wondering if there were more people in a similar situation as I am in.