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The Curse of Fetish

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Embarassed, May 14, 2021.

  1. Embarassed

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    Hi. I have had a fetish for my whole adult life, and I have found it to be a burden, despite the exhilaration it brings me. The problem is that few people have ever found my fetish exciting, or even interesting. I have had partners who’ve worked it into our play life because they’ve wanted me to be happy and turned on. But this isn’t usually the case. I wish that I could get excited by the things that most people of all stripes find “sexual,” but I am stuck being turned on by something that doesn’t lend itself to mutual connection. Does anybody out there have a fetish they experience as a obstacle to sexual union with others?
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    Yes but in the opposite direction that you have. I have found that it is nearly impossible to find a partner who sees me as a person rather than just using me as a fetish object.
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    Yes, I do see being used as nothing more than an object as abuse but I am not referring to what would normally be called sexual abuse though I have been raped as a child and as an adult and also have had nonconsensual things done to me short of what would be called rape. What I am referring to is what is referred to as "tranny chasers", people who are interested in someone specifically because they are a transitioned person. This is just as bad as someone who refuses to be with someone specifically because they are a transitioned person. In both cases (specific interest or avoidance) it demonstrates that the person does not see me as a real woman. I am a woman and people perceive me as such until they learn of my birth assignment at which point suddenly their view of who/what I am changes.
     
  4. Suitsme

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    I identify as non binary for ease. In truth I am male through and through inside. For health reasons I can not transition. Since I see myself as a feminine guy I guess identifying as non binary and not minding what pronouns people use is easy for me to do. It suits my situation.

    My son is gay. I asked him would he ever choose to be with an FTM His out and out answer was no. Simply because he is not pansexual he is gay. This doesn’t make him a bigot.

    If I transitioned, I would never be a cis guy and I wouldn’t expect straight women or gay guys to want to be with me because they are not pansexual. It’s common sense. I would never refer to those people as bigots or bad people. I’m not made of that stuff.

    I do not have attraction to MTF but I am attracted to ciswomen! I am not a bigot, I am not pansexual.

    If an MTF got annoyed with me about that, then that is their issue not mine.

    I fully understand your argument here.
     
    #4 Suitsme, May 15, 2021
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  5. QuietPeace

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    Would it be possible for this thread to get back on the topic of experiencing fetishes and off of judging/attacking one person for not wanting to be treated as a fetish object?
     
    #5 QuietPeace, May 15, 2021
    Last edited: May 15, 2021
  6. Mihael

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    *cough*

    If I was the OP, I would feel guilt tripped about having a fatish right now. And he shouldn't feel this way, because he isn't hurting others. But it still can be a burden. I don't have a fetish myself, but indeed, sexual preferences can prove difficult to manage in my experience.
     
  7. LilLady9

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    Exactly. And it doesn't mean that he doesn't view FTM men as actual men. I'm sure he does... As you said, he's just gay and is attracted to cisgender men.

    As a bisexual, I'm attracted to cisgender men and cisgender women. And quite frankly, what's under their pants is rather important to me (which is one big differences between bisexuality and pansexuality. I once heard someone who identifies as pansexual say something like, "for me, It's about hearts, not parts). If I had the the capacity to be attracted to any gender such as transgenders, AFAB men, AMAB women, nonbinary people, agender people, bigender people, etc. then I would identify as pansexual.

    Same here. I don't think calling someone a bigot helps the conversation, nor is it accurate. I do believe that people who do not view AMAB women as actual women and AFAB men as actual men are bigots. However, whether or not someone is sexually and romantically attracted to folks that have transitioned doesn't determine how they view them. If that makes sense...

    Thank you. Sometimes I've wondered if I'm not making sense.
     
    #7 LilLady9, May 15, 2021
    Last edited: May 15, 2021
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  8. Suitsme

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    You make a lot of sense.

    Thanks for your reply. I agree with all your points here! Entirely.
     
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  9. Embarassed

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    Hi all. Thanks for your thoughtful posts. @QuietPeace, please, please, please know that I in no way was thinking about fetishizing another human being. I suspect that everyone on this thread treats other people with the dignity they deserve. This means respecting whoever they are or choose to be. It also means listening to every person heart to heart. To treat another person as an object is unconscionable. I am sorry for your pain, and I don't blame you for being wary.
     
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  10. QuietPeace

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    Thank you, I hope that you do not think that I was in any way attacking you while I was relating my own experience.

    To add an experience to this thread, my ex-husband has a paraphelia/fetish which causes them to be hated even though they have not harmed anyone when it comes to that paraphelia and I helped them to accept it and not feel so bad about something that they could not help.
     
    #10 QuietPeace, May 15, 2021
    Last edited: May 15, 2021
  11. Suitsme

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    Ahhh please don’t think this. I never thought that at all. It wasn’t me who brought up the subject of a transgender being a fetish for someone. I actually have no part in that debate at all.

    I know you are not fetishing on a person at all

    Hugs :slight_smile:
     
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  12. Shadowsettler

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    I have a couple fetishes as well. I used to be obsessed with them however it was partially due to trauma that I became addicted to them. I have a couple but they're much more manageable than they used to be now that I've got help. They aren't very "far out" or really weird but they are a bit unconventional. I still like those things but I don't feel the need to live them out when I have a partner.
     
    #12 Shadowsettler, May 15, 2021
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  13. Shadowsettler

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    Before getting therapy I had a bit of a masturbation addiction as well. I would obsess over my fetishes and would waste hours of my time with them. I'm a lot less dependent now. I'm able to live a normal life without letting them consume me. I enjoy them in a healthy way, now.
     
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  14. Embarassed

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  15. Embarassed

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    Did you get help through psychotherapy?
     
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  16. Shadowsettler

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    As long as it doesn't make your life unmanageable you should be okay. It's true that some people will find it strange, however there are a lot more understanding people out there than you think...

    haha, and that doesn't sound so bad. To be honest I'm very embarrassed by my own fetishes, at least one of them. One is due directly towards my own abuse. I won't say the exact words but I get highly turned on during sex when my partner calls me a specific, homophobic slur... It drives me wild and I don't understand why. It's a bit embarrassing and It feels almost degrading, like there's something wrong with me... I completely understand why you feel scared and uncomfortable sharing.
     
  17. Shadowsettler

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    I did. Not specifically for my fetishes, but rather my trauma therapy helped to ease the desires to act them out. My fetishes are still there but they do not run my life anymore. I'm able to take them or leave them as I wish.
     
    #17 Shadowsettler, May 15, 2021
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  18. Embarassed

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    Thanks, @Shadowsettler. I also share yours, and for me it gets at the same problem as I spoke to before. I don't want to intensify anyone else's shame or horror. I don't ever use slurs or degradation except during intimate acts, and I do it only under conditions of mutual consent. But it is a slur, and that bothers me. I suppose I should also be bothered about degrading myself, but I'm really more concerned with not harming others.
     
  19. Shadowsettler

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    You have the same issue? Because I thought I was the only one. I've never heard of any other LGBT person who has this sort of fetish... and no, I almost never ask for it from my partner, even though I really want it. I've asked one partner and they were reluctant... then it became weird when they said it. The word itself deeply disturbs me but somehow it's a "fetish", I don't understand it.
     
    #19 Shadowsettler, May 15, 2021
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  20. Embarassed

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    I have seen a number of queer men, especially self-identified sissies, become aroused by being called the worst sort of homophobic slurs.