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Is it still coming out when you've done it a dozen times?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by clockworkfox, May 14, 2021.

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  1. clockworkfox

    clockworkfox
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    What do you do when you already came out to your family, but it's like you never said anything at all?

    So then you thought, "Let me put that in writing, as a gentle and clearly worded reminder that I came out", and you wrote a succinct little letter for your family, and it's still like you never said anything at all?

    So then you thought, "Let me put that message on a cake, so that they can literally and metaphorically digest the news of my coming out a little better", and you baked the cake and piped the message on in icing and fed the cake to your family, and it's still like you never said anything at all?

    Yes, I literally baked them a cake. It was pink on the outside and blue on the inside, just in case they were still unclear about what it was that I was saying, exactly.

    And before you all let me know how hopeless it is that they're going to come around at this point (I am in agreement there! They weren't won over by cake!) - what I really need is advice on calmly pushing my point. Advice on letting them know that I feel hurt and disrespected that they've chosen to outwardly reject a huge part of me, without getting confrontational. Because until I can land a new job, I'm stuck living with them, and I can't deal with the sinking feeling in my heart every time they use my birth name and she/her me.
     
    #1 clockworkfox, May 14, 2021
  2. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    The issue here is not that you have not communicated it to them, you have been clear enough and persistent. The issue is that the people you are trying to tell do not respect you or accept who you are. There are going to be people who you encounter in your life who are this way. My own mother died over 25 years after I came out having never gendered me correctly.

    Since you have already been as clear as possible and you do not currently have the option of staying away from these people your choices are either accepting their treatment or becoming more aggressive in how you go about this. If you cannot simply let it go you could try totally ignoring them when they misgender or deadname you. Then when they start to get nasty about you ignoring them just say with a totally innocent attitude "oh, I thought you were talking to someone else you said 'X' and that is not me" (or something like that).

    I would also recommend moving out as quickly as possible. I know that it is not easy, I have even lived in my vehicle before.
     
    #2 QuietPeace, May 14, 2021
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  3. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    You have tried the more subtle approach, so without being confrontational, could you directly ask them if they are having difficulty understanding or accepting who you are and try to open up a conversation about it. Use open questions to bring more clarity to the situation - in other words questions that cannot be easily dismissed with a yes/no answer.

    You could try: "When you call me (your birth name) it makes me feel (how you feel) because (the reasons why). It would really help me if you call me (your preferred name). What do you think about what I just said and will you be able to do this for me?"

    Do you see how a question structured in this way gets to the heart of things and opens up a conversation, without being angry or aggressive?

    These are not easy conversations to have I'm afraid, but it's going to be a lot easier to face it than live with this pain everyday until you can move out.

    Why not think about some of the things you want to say and try your questions or comments out on us first?
     
    #3 PatrickUK, May 15, 2021
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  4. quebec

    quebec
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    clockworkfox.....I like what @PatrickUK suggested, a low-key sit down conversation with them about the issues that are a problem for you. If you keep the tone very laid-back they will hopefully not feel like they are being attacked or being "put on the spot". It sounds like your parents are afraid to face up to the truth and are just pretending that it never happened. It's certainly not that you haven't told them, it's that they don't want to accept the truth You will need to approach them in a very non-confrontation way while still being firm in communicating your difficulties. Not an easy task, but one that I think you need to do. As Patrick said, work out your questions and then test then on us...we will be more than happy to help you "fine-tune" them! :old_smile: Please remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care! DO keep us updated on how this works out!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #4 quebec, May 16, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2021
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  5. clockworkfox

    clockworkfox
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    This is good thank you.

    Part of my trouble in getting into it again is that I just feel so hollow anymore. It's been so long since I started talking about this, and things have been so inconsistent that I just feel no connection to anything anymore. My birth name isn't mine, but neither is the preferred name I had been using. Everything feels foreign. I don't have a name to go by. Half the time, my family calls me by just one letter (my birth name and preferred name, for a time, started with the same letter). I guess that's their compromise, but it isn't helping really.

    It isn't that I'm questioning, I have a solid sense of who I am...it's just the fine details. Nothing clicks anymore.
     
    #5 clockworkfox, May 16, 2021
  6. Justmeisenough

    Justmeisenough
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    Honestly it's still part of coming out like I came out to my mom before and she keeps forgetting and mentioning a future husband but I'm too afraid to correct her. One day when I make it clear enough about who I am is the day I've fully came out
     
    #6 Justmeisenough, May 17, 2021
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