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(Just Like) Starting Over

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Lyman, May 11, 2021.

  1. Lyman

    Regular Member

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    Hi, I’m Lyman. I’m in my mid-twenties and I’m having a hard time because living with my parents is quite hard.

    That’s what I said when I joined 365 days ago, and it’s also true today.

    While many things have changed over a year, others have not. Here are some highlights of what’s been going on and some ideas on what I think I might need to work on.

    If anyone wants to share some advice or ask anything, please do not hesitate to do so!


    My greatest accomplishments
    ■ Self-acceptance. I came out to myself and now I love who I am. I’m gay, I’ve always been, and I will always be. Shame, guilt and fear were shackling me. The seemingly endless cycle of questioning turned out to be finite.

    Coming out. In hindsight it doesn’t seem such a big thing, but at the moment it was huge and terrifying. However, it’s among the best things I’ve ever done. As of today, I have literally no idea of how many people know that I’m gay (probably somewhere between 50 and 100). I’m only careful with situations and people that pose a significant risk of my family finding out, but for the most part I’m myself.

    Having friends. I didn’t care much about people during my first 25 years of existence. Yes, I spent time with them and so forth, but I never felt the need of having (meaningful) friendships. A year ago I started feeling that I was missing something and decided to work on my relationship with people I knew and to be more social. I can now say that I have five good friends (which is a lot because I’m talking about *true* friends) and that I’m much more of an extrovert than what I thought.

    Dating. I joined a dating website some time ago and, although the experience is being weird in some ways and I think that I might need to readjust my strategies or expectations, it has helped me to have my first date ever!! It was in April and I had never been that nervous in my life as before the date (except when coming out), but during it I had a great time. Unfortunately, the guy and I didn’t click very well. Yet I’m really glad it happened!


    My next goals
    Moving out. Now that I have friends to talk with, I’m realising how sick the way my parents treat me is. It’s far worse than what I could see by myself. I deserve being respected as any other person does. So I clearly have to move out. I’ve decided to set September 1st as my deadline for that, and I did it the last time my dad was screaming at me for no logical reason and calling me the f-word (something dies inside me, each time he does). I’m sorry that he needs someone to yell at, but I can’t be that one. Despite all this, the whole idea of moving out is super fear-inducing, especially because it might involve living abroad too and that’s two big changes at the same time.

    Therapy. Since the last time I dropped by here, I’m seriously considering going to therapy. I’m pretty sure that I have issues with worthiness and with an additional unidentified issue, which is causing me to go over cycles of several weeks of being mentally okay, then one or more horrible days (with anxiety, existential apathy or just profound unhappiness), and then da capo. That had never happened pre-covid and my goal should be that it never happened again. I still have to inform myself better on the options I have, but it doesn’t sound unreasonable going to therapy for that.

    Am I looking for something that doesn’t exist? I’m not currently interested in hookups and, according to my limited knowledge, that might mean that my target group is not only a minority (non-straight men), but a minority within a minority. I just want to get to know a guy a little bit, feel comfortable, then maybe one day cuddle or kiss, and later on have a first proper sexual experience (with consent and all that). That’s all I want — it doesn’t have to be the love of my life, and not even a relationship. I just want to have something less traumatic than the abusive thing I mentioned at a previous thread... However, all I see and hear tends to indicate that 99.9 % of my dating pool lives in a world of sexual craziness that I don’t even understand very well.

    Safe sex. After quite a lot of reading, I think I’m getting to closer to a conclusion on what level of STI risk I’m willing to accept when having sex, but that seems to be totally incompatible with what every non-straight male I know would be willing to do. But then you ask them further questions and they all either have had and spread gonorrhoea or worse, or either never get tested and just wait for something really bad to blow up in their faces. So I'm still debating with myself if I'm wrong or all those people are wrong.

    It’s good to take some time to think about the past and the future and on where we’re at. Today is the anniversary of the day I said “I need to do something.” And today I’m moving forward towards other things I need to do!
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    I am glad that you feel good about the accomplishments.

    As far as next goals

    I would think that moving out would be #1, staying in such a toxic environment must be difficult. (I lived in a vehicle rather than make the sacrifices that would have been required if I wanted to live with my parents again)

    With such a history getting therapy would also be really good, you should pursue it.

    Can you find a relationship? Rare does not mean nonexistent. I thought that it would never be possible to find a man who was not toxic, my experiences in the Americas (several different nations) told me that it was not possible. I have found one though and we are getting married soon. I have known of gay men who were in relationships and not having random hookups so it must be possible.

    As far as safe sex. Rather than framing it as you or them being "wrong" you should simply decide how much risk you are ready to take. If it were only gonorrhea or herpes that would be one thing. HIV is not only forever it is also deadly without toxic and expensive drugs. Do you want to take that risk? Also, if you are not just into random hookups and want to be in a relationship then that person should care about you and not be pressuring you to take unnecessary risks.
     
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  3. Lyman

    Regular Member

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    After 25 years of zero accomplishments, I think it's quite satisfactory. Once the floodgates open...

    Yes, but at the same time the idea terrifies me, and I don't know exactly why. Probably because living like this is the only thing I've known in 26 years and because I know that I'll have to share a flat with random people (and that can go very wrong).

    On the other hand, I know that my parents are old-fashioned control freaks and don't leave me alone each and every time I do *anything* not exactly the same way they would do it at that specific moment. I have lots of surreal examples of it. And that sounds like the kind of stimulus that tends to cause a mental health issue, doesn't it?

    Okay, I guess that your folks are worse than mine, then. I also got that impression from other posts by you that I've read, so once again I'm so happy that you made your way to freedom. Not everybody is able to!

    By "such a history", are you referring to my parents or to something else?

    Given the demographics of my area, here rare can indeed mean nonexistent. If I have 50 gay/bi men around that are of the right age and whom I can find interesting, and statistically 1 % is not into the hookup craziness, that leaves me with... Half a body(?) :slight_smile: Okay, I'm being more ridiculous than usual, but the lack of options is a real thing. And many many guys are looking for "dates" and not dates.

    On the dating site that I'm using (which is the only popular one here), you can see everything that exists within 100 miles in one afternoon. And if you remove the profiles that display drugs or that are blank, you get even less... The only good thing is that this way I'm being able to give a "fair chance" to every guy.

    Oh, right, I had raised this issue here. So now I'm talking about this in two separate threads, I guess (I'll reply to you in the other one next time I log in, by the way.)

    Hm, that's an interesting perspective... I'll try to see things from that angle :slight_smile:

    And, no, I don't want HIV. Period. The other STIs and their risks aren't so so clear to me, which takes us to the other thread...
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    I have had poor luck living with people, most of them ended up either stealing from me, sponging off of me or even assaulting me. I found that for me living alone while very difficult is actually cheaper than living with people (and I am on a disability pension which is woefully inadequate to provide a living in most cities, actually inadequate to live in any city in the USA).

    To be around anyone that I am related to they would require that I pretend that I am a man, I would rather be dead.

    Yes and also pretty much anyone could benefit from therapy.

    Well, I am a woman who was assigned male at birth, virtually everyone I have tried to be with just saw me as a fetish object to be used and tossed aside. I would say that from my experience possibly one in a million or even less are worth the effort for me and I still have found someone (yes, I know how lucky I am to have found him).

    Well, what it shows you is everyone on that app/site within 100 miles and sites/apps are mostly about casual hookups. I stopped using dating sites or anything like it years ago. I found my fiancé by being in a group that plays games and developing a friendship with people. I find that meeting people who have common interests is a better way of getting quality people in my life.
     
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