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Gay husband

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Gayhusband, May 9, 2021.

  1. Gayhusband

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    I’m really seeing the long term side effects of coming out to my wife but continuing to live as a hetero couple to keep our family together. About 5 years ago I could no longer hide my true self from my wife. I confided to her that I was struggling with my sexual orientation. She had known for years that I had been with men before we were together. At that time, I was “experimenting” and I truly believed I was maybe bisexual but I thought I wasn’t gay. Apparently I couldn’t accept it or I wasn’t ready to accept it yet. I told my wife that I had experimented with guys but that I didn’t like the way I would feel after sex with guys (ashamed and depressed). I left out the part about how I learned that I loved being a bottom and perhaps liked kissing men more than women. I was so confused and foolish. Fast forward 25 years and we’re still married but since I revealed to her that after 20 years together I’m finally accepting what her and I both have known. I’m gay. I’m only bisexual by default in that I still can and do enjoy sex with my wife, but Ive realized I need something else to be sexually satisfied now. She is starting to finally accept it and now I have to deal with it. She is angry, bitter and at times vocally abusive. I caused all this being a fool and a “coward”. I want her to be happy somehow but I’m worried it can’t be with me around anymore
     
  2. Nickw

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    @Gayhusband

    Hey. I'm sorry that your wife feel this way. I guess that is a pretty typical response.

    You mentioned she wouldn't be happy with you around. How about you? What do you want?
     
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  3. I'm gay

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    I could have written this myself. I too had been with guys prior to being with my wife. I felt the same way you did. What we didn't understand at the time was that shame had tainted those experiences we had with men, coloring them in such a negative light. It made being with a woman feel "right" even though it was all wrong.

    Your wife has gone, and is going, on her own journey right along with you. Her journey also entails denial, shame, and fear. As her denial is lifting, she is experiencing other stages of this loss. When we go through a loss, in this case a loss of your marriage and identity as a married couple, we experience the classic stages of loss, not necessarily always in order or for the same length of time in each. They are Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Grief - Acceptance. Certainly the anger stage is a difficult one.

    What does this mean? Are you wanting to stay with your wife if it means you can have an open marriage? Or are you saying that you need to separate from her and ultimately divorce? The question from @Nickw is a good one. What do you want? There are choices, and each choice comes with consequences.

    When I faced this exact same conundrum, I realized that I truly wanted the possibility of being in love with another man. Dating men. Not just being able to have some gay sex. I wanted the "gay life" as I saw it. I was truly done with being in the closet and being perceived as straight. My wife at one point was willing to go along with an open marriage idea, but we ultimately nixed that idea and separated. But be aware that many wives will often want to keep the marriage together out of fear, etc., and end up making a bad choice to go along with an open marriage for his sake, but open marriages are difficult at best to maintain in the long run and usually don't work. There are rare exceptions of course. An open marriage would not have worked for us, so the other choice was to end our marriage.

    It's admirable that you want to protect her. You want her to be happy. But how can she be happy knowing that she stands in the way of your happiness? When do you get to be happy?
     
    sunbird and old tacoma like this.
  4. MikeL1962

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    Same thing happened to me and my wife. We still live together and get along well.. more as best friends and roommates. I also denied my sexuality for most of my life because of my surroundings and how I was raised. It is what it is, time wasted but no more. We are much happier now although sometimes it is bittersweet.
     
  5. Contented

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    For me trying to live in a “straight “ relationship after coming to terms with being gay just didn’t make sense. I too wanted to live openly as a gay man and not pretending to be straight for appearance sake. I wanted to be free to experience gay life without the baggage of fear of exposure. I wanted to be able to love another man without the guilt of seeming to cheat on my straight relationship. The liberation of freeing myself from the heteronormative brain washing allowed me to embrace living an authentic gay life. For me it was the best and only choice. It wasn’t a pleasant parting of the ways but in the end it was the only solution for both of us. I have never looked back.
     
    #5 Contented, May 11, 2021
    Last edited: May 11, 2021
    Joolz66, Caraldo, sunbird and 3 others like this.
  6. Caraldo

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    I basically went about 13 years after determining that I was really gay hanging in there. Probably would have stayed but she had addiction and mental health issues and my kids really needed to be separated from dealing with her and I pulled the plug. She still blames my sexuality for my reason to end the marriage and still has bitterness (even though I was honest about struggling with my sexuality from early on when were dating). But she is realizing how horrible our marriage was. I was unhappy, which made her unhappy. She surprisingly conquered her addiction problems, built a new life, and she has found a new enjoyment with men, realizing what she was missing with having a reluctant partner all those years. Having gone through it, I can say it isn’t easy, but it is so worth it.
     
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  7. Contented

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    I think for the most part it is extremely hard for a gay man coming to terms with his sexuality later in life to remain in a straight or mixed marriage. Not saying it can’t be done but I think based on reading here on EC it seems rare. I know personally I was incredibly frustrated trying to play act straight. Intimacy with her was almost impossible from both a mental and physical aspect. In a short period of time I wanted out badly. I could not envision pretending for the rest of my life. Emotional and sexual frustration was so intense and making both our lives miserable. Leaving that relationship was like I was granted my freedom. We are both so much better off. The wounds are deep on her side, and I understand that however I had an obligation to live my life to the fullest and that meant as a openly gay man.
     
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  8. caper88

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    I am so sorry to hear your struggling. I'm not saying that abusing you is ok but she is probably struggling with coming to grips on things. She is also probably in denial and blaming you for everything despite the fact she probably new all along that you are gay. You and your wife should really seek professional help for everyone in the family. It will help both of you determine where you want to go from here and start the healing process.