I have thought of myself as bisexual for almost as long as I can remember but just somewhat recently started to accept and embrace it. However, I still second-guess myself from time to time. I'm a cisgender male currently in my twenties. I figure if I describe my sexual orientation the best I can, you can help me from there. I've had sexual experiences with both men and women and enjoyed them both. However, I've only ever dated women. I have also had crushes on both men and women. Although, I've had far fewer crushes on men. I prefer dating women but would be open to dating a guy if I found the right one. I also see myself in a long-term relationship with a woman but am open to the idea of having a long-term relationship with a guy, again, if I found the right one. I'm sexually and emotionally attracted to women but only emotionally attracted to men (I have to develop emotional attraction before I find a guy sexually attractive.) I also don't really find men physically attractive like I do women. I'm also more picky when it comes to men than I am when it comes to women. I have higher standards for men than women. Does this sound like someone who is bisexual? Where on the long spectrum would you say I am? perhaps I'm a bisexual male that just prefers women over men? Just because I had a same sex experience and enjoyed it does that mean I'm bisexual? I would really appreciate your thoughts and opinions. Thanks!
Just because someone leans more towards one side or the other does not mean they are not bisexual or pansexual. It is almost never a perfect 50/50 thing. I find far more women attractive than I do men and I use the label panromantic (not pansexual because I do not have sexual interest in anyone until after I have developed a close romantic relationship with them). I cannot even just quote one specific thing in what you have said to indicate it because all through your whole post you are indicating an interest in both men and women, this to me does indicate bi or pan (people use either and different people mean different things with those labels, you seem most comfortable with bisexual).
Thank you for the clarification. I think the false narrative that bisexuality means an even attraction to men and women is one the large reasons I have second-guessed myself from time to time. I've literally had people tell me something like, "if it's 70% women and 30% men you must be straight, and if it's 70% men and 30% women you must be gay. Which is absolutely absurd and very biphobic.
So a couple of really basic questions: -- What are your masturbation fantasies like (I'm talking about without porn)? Do you think about only women? Men and women? If both, are the fantasies equally developed (not equal in terms of frequency, but in terms of what you imagine and think about.) -- If a guy came along that met your standards, you got to know, and you enjoyed spending time with and felt attraction to... what (if anything) would stand in the way for you with this being a fully developed relationship?
Men and women, but women more often. I probably fantasize about women while masturbating something like 70% of the time and men 30% of the time. I have noticed when I fantasize about women while masturbating I'll think of a range of women I find attractive: celebrities, porn stars, girls I've dated, girls I've crushed on, etc. However, when I fantasize about men while masturbating, I hardly ever fantasize about any man other than the guy I had my first and only same sex experience with. I'm not sure why this or what it means. Although, I was pretty much in love with him and still have feelings for him. Perhaps this has something to do with it. I would say the fantasies between men and women are equally developed in terms of what I imagine and think about. However, I'm interest in certain sexual activities with women and certain activities with men. I would say there are more things I fantasize doing with women then the things I fantasize doing with men. As for your second question, I don't think anything would stand in the way. Only thing I can think of is if he wanted a monogamous relationship. However, under the right circumstance, I could see myself being fine with it being monogamous. When I was younger and was having a sexual relationship with my friend, I totally would of dated him. I would even fantasize about us getting married, buying a house and living the rest of our lives together.
So... it might be worthwhile masturbating and intentionally fantasizing about people other than the guy you were with. Think about what sort of guys you'd be attracted to, and create a fantasy and see where it leads you. There are people who seem to be "straight except for ______" where _______ is one person they have a particular connection with. It's possible that's what's going on here. It's also possible (and probably more likely) that you are somewhere on the bisexual spectrum. Sexual orientation isn't a binary or trinary, it's a spectrum, so being 70% straight and 30% gay isn't uncommon. Most people choose a label out of convenience; if they're 80% straight they say "straight" or "mostly straight", same if they're 80% gay, they just use the "gay" label. But really, what matters isn't the label so much as you being comfortable with yourself. It sounds like you wouldn't have a problem being in a relationship with a guy, and that you have at least some attraction. So the outcome of the masturbation test might bring more clarity.
Yes, that 100% sounds like a bisexual. Having a stronger attraction to one over the other, having more of an emotional attraction vs. sexual... As long as attraction to more than one exists, you're bisexual.
I appreciate that you stated, "what matters isn't the label so much as you being comfortable with yourself." I think that has been one of my problems. Thinking that I have to fit into one of the boxes that society (and even some of the LGBTQ+ community) has created around mainstream sexual orientation - straight or gay.
Two other things I would add to my original post for anyone with further input: 1.) I've been in love with a man, but I haven't necessarily been in love with a woman. I've been attracted to women, had crushes on them and have cared deeply for the women I have dated, but haven't necessarily been in love with them. If I have, it hasn't hasn't been as strong as the love I've had for for a man. (keep in mind, love for me is kind of a weird thing to me. I'm not sure how I would describe love. Sometimes, I feel like I've never been in love with anyone. Perhaps I just don't understand what love is.) 2.) The thought of being in a monogamous relationship with a woman and never having another sexual experience with a man doesn't scare me (for lack of a better word.) On the other hand, being in a relationship with a man and never having another sexual relationship with a woman does scare me and doesn't seem like something I could commit to.
The challenge in interpreting the above is separating out the inherent internalized homophobia that everyone has, especially those who are coming to terms with their sexual identity. Let's face it, nobody wakes up and says "I really want to be gay" or "I really wish I were gay." That's societal stigma at work. Messages we get from organized religion, bratty schoolyard kids, sometimes our own parents or relatives. And so as we start to think about the idea that *we* might not be straight... whatever messages we've internalized about what's wrong with being gay (and we *all* have them) are going to play out. So it can be really complicated to look at "I can't imagine never being with a woman and always being with a man" and try to pull the internalized homophobia out of it. ANd of course... because the homophobia is internalized, t isn't conscious. We aren't aware of it. We may think we're just fine with it, and our unconscious probably thinks otherwise. Often this means simply going down the exploration path a ways and seeing what comes of it. If I were to judge on the basis of #1 alone, I would argue that feeling love for a guy but not for a girl when you've had connections with both might make a good argument for more same sex attraction that your unconscious is resistant to. But again, given the above, it's not easy to separate the pieces out.
I do agree that part of it is indeed internalized homophobia. However, I know that's not the only reason... I think a lot of it simply has to do with preference. I know this is a weird analogy but take two different chocolates for example. Someone might like both, but probably prefers one over the other. If they had to choose one to never eat ever again, they would probably choose the one they prefer the least. I hope that makes sense.
However, I'd love to be in the situation where I can enjoy both chocolates. Although, if I was forced to choose one over the other, I'd choose the one I enjoy the most. Again, I hope that makes sense!
Your Analogy does make sense in a way. I understand what you mean. But I don’t think people are like apples or oranges or chocolates. It’s much more complicated than that. Especially relationships, where you have to choose either or. Unless the person or persons do agree to a sort of polyamory or polygamy that can include same sex people. Other than that most people set boundaries where they draw the line. Maybe you will be lucky and find such a situation. Then you will not have to be limited to one chocolate in particular.
I really wouldn't mind being in a monogamous relationship, but finding someone that would agree to some sort of polyamory or polygamy would definitely be nice!
