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First draft of my coming out letter

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lottaotter, May 11, 2021.

  1. lottaotter

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    This is my first draft of my coming out letter to my mom and dad. Please leave suggestions, but also remember that it's very personal :slight_smile: For reference I'm 27 and I'm reasonably sure this will come as a shock to my dad especially. I've known I was gay since I was 19.

    I've been looking at the letters on this site, and mine seems really short, but I think I have all the info I wanted to put in there. Also I know my letter isn't very 'hugs and kisses' but that isn't the kind of relationship I aI've ever had with my family (unfortunately). Please go easy on me!


    Dear Mom and Dad,


    I wanted to write to you to tell you something important. Please don’t worry - I’m doing fine - but I want to tell you that I’m gay. I know that no-one really wants their child to be gay, however it’s not a choice. And it has absolutely nothing to do with how you’ve raised me as a person.


    [HOUSEMATE 1] and [HOUSEMATE 2] are both bisexual, two of [FRIEND]'s brothers are gay and so was [EX-COLLEAGUE] who I worked with at [EX-WORKPLACE]. I’ve been out to my friends for a while and they’re very supportive, but I understand it can be difficult for people who've been brought up with different values. I’m happy to try to answer any questions you have, and I’m sure [MOM AND DAD'S LEFT-WING FRIENDS] probably have gay friends, if you feel more comfortable talking to them.


    I understand you might also be upset that I didn’t tell you sooner, but as much as I wanted to be open with you I also didn’t want to disappoint or upset you. I was also worried about how the rest of the family (if you choose to let them know) would treat both of you.


    I hope that this doesn’t change anything, but I also understand if it does. If you’d prefer I didn’t visit again I just ask that you give me time to collect my things from your house at some point. I know this might take some time to process, so I’ll wait for you to contact me as usual on [DAY OF THE WEEK] if you want to.


    Love from [LOTTAOTTER]
     
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  2. Jakebusman

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    It looks good to me you did a great job !
     
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  3. quebec

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    lottaotter.....I often suggest that people consider writing a letter when coming out to parents/friends, especially when the experience might be a difficult one. You've already done that and I think your letter is a good one. In addition to the letter your parents and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will hopefully be perceived as a more mature, serious person. Remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care...please keep us updated on how this all works out.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  4. Lyman

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    Hi, your letter brought a couple of tears to my eyes, so I guess it's a good sign. I'm especially sensitive to the topic as I haven't taken that step yet and am more or less your age, so I'm very proud that you're daring to do it!!

    I can't think of any big improvement, but I might reconsider
    I hope that this doesn’t change anything, but I also understand if it does. If you’d prefer I didn’t visit again
    and write
    I hope that this doesn’t change anything. However, if you’d prefer I didn’t visit again

    instead.

    If you send the message that you'd also understand an awful reaction, they're subconsciously assuming that it's a valid reaction from a good parent.

    I'd also recommend you to think about how much in advance of [DAY OF THE WEEK] you want them to read the letter. You might want to give them enough time, but to avoid waiting too long for their reaction.

    Please keep us posted and have the best of lucks! <3
     
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  5. lottaotter

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    Thanks so much! Saw your message on my profile- can;t work out how to reply to it so I'll say thanks here instead :slight_smile:
     
  6. lottaotter

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    That's really encouraging to her because I've been telling myself that coming out via a letter is a cop-out! That's a very good idea with the questions. I'll start thinking of some. One sticking point is that my Dad especially in the past has expressed the belief that gay men are essentially all paedophiles; something that I find particulaly hurtful as I suffered abuse as a child [from a straight woman].

    I am visiting them this week so it will be the end of this month at the earliest that I tell them, but I will update somewhere here.
     
  7. lottaotter

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    Thank you, you don't know how much it means to me to have someone say that they're proud of me, especially when a lot of the time when I post stuff on EC people tell me that all my problems boil down to being closeted (personally I think it's more complex than that).

    That is a good suggestion- while I was writing it was a constant battle in my head of:
    'I want you to know that you haven't done anything wrong'

    versus
    ...

    'a lot of the things you said about gay people when I was growing up hurt me, and continue to hurt me. I'm angry that you stopped me from watching TV shows with gay people in them, and I how I have a fear of intimacy because you brought me up to believe that sex was repulsive and bad'.

    I'll try and plan a bit clearer when they will receive the letter based on postage times. Thanks for your advice :slight_smile:
     
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  8. PatrickUK

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    You've done a great job. It's from the heart and it's in your own words and that really is the most important thing of all. The only thing I would change is the second half of the following sentence, because it seems to me to give too much ground. We can acknowledge the difficulty for our parents, without seeming apologetic (if that makes sense):

    I think @quebec is right about preparing yourself for questions. Even the most accepting of parents will want to know and understand more. You can help them in this process by including a link to parent/family support organisations like PFLAG or FFLAG (in the UK). Many of the questions they may have will be listed in the resource pages on their websites and it could give you a break if they read them first.

    One question that is likely is the degree to which your friends have influenced your sexuality. You mention bisexual housemates, gay friends and colleagues and they'll probably put 2+2 together and make 5.

    As long as your parents ask questions calmly and reasonably, try to respond in kind. Even though the questions may seem really stupid or outrageous, they are coming from an uneducated place and lack of awareness. It's not necessarily the case that they are seeking to be hurtful unless the tone of their voice suggests otherwise.

    Well done and good luck. Let us know how it goes.
     
  9. lottaotter

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    Thanks.
    This bit above I still want to keep I think- I want to show that 'normal' people who my parents have met and approve of are actually gay. My parents don't (knowingly) know a single queer person. I will have a think about how to re-word it because as you say my parents might well think I've been influenced.

    I will update everyone with how it goes later this month
     
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  10. lottaotter

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    Hi everyone,

    I wondered if you could take a look at my second draft? I've just come back from visiting my parents, and I felt guilty talking anf laughing with them and accepting their genorosity while at the same time being gay, and not really knowing their stance on that. Now that the time to send my letter is getting closer, I feel sick when I think about sending it, but I am determined to do it.

    Here is my second draft. I've taken all your helpful suggestions on board, and added some stuff to clarify that I like being gay. I've also thought of some questions they might ask, and some answers. Thanks for your help!


    Dear Mom and Dad,




    I wanted to write to you to tell you something important. Please don’t worry - I’m doing fine - but I want to tell you that I’m gay. I know that no-one really wants their child to be gay, however it’s not a choice. And it has absolutely nothing to do with how you’ve raised me as a person.


    [HOUSEMATE 1] and [HOUSEMATE 2] are both bisexual, two of [FRIEND]’s brothers are gay and so is [EX-COLLEAGUE] who I worked with at [EX-WORKPLACE]. Just like me it’s not something that they chose and it’s not something they can change either.


    I’ve been out to my friends for a long time and they’re very supportive, but I understand it can be difficult for people who’ve been brought up with different values. I’m happy to try to answer any questions you have, and I’m sure [MOM AND DAD'S LEFT-WING FRIENDS] probably have gay friends, if you feel more comfortable talking to them.


    Things have changed a lot - legally and public opinion-wise - in this country and it’s taken me a while to un-learn what we were taught in school; that being gay is wrong, dangerous or attention-seeking. I’m happy this way.


    I understand you might also be upset that I didn’t tell you sooner, but as much as I wanted to be open with you I didn’t want to disappoint or upset you either. I was also worried about how the rest of the family (if you choose to let them know) would treat both of you.


    I hope that this doesn’t change anything. I know this might take some time to process, so I’ll wait for you to contact me on [DAY OF THE WEEK I USUALLY CALL THEM] as usual if you want to.




    Love from [LOTTAOTTER]
     
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  11. I'm gay

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    That's a really good letter. I think your edits are perfect.
     
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  12. quebec

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    Lottaotter.....I do like your edits!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  13. PatrickUK

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    Brilliant. It's not long-winded and gets right to the point without being abrupt. It outlines how things have changed and are still changing and gives them things to consider before (hopefully) reaching out to you.
     
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  14. Lyman

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    I'm in a hurry right now, so I'll be very direct and just say that I love it and that it made me teary-eyed again.
    Best of lucks and virtual hugs! You can do it!!!
     
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  15. lottaotter

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    Don't know if it's OK to post here now the thread's over a month old, but I just wanted to say that I sent the letter yesterday. They should get it today or tomorrow most likely. I'm quite worried. I especially don't want it to make my relationship with my dad awkward, or for it to make him question his own masculinity.
     
  16. I'm gay

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    Good luck! Let us know how it goes.