It's been a while since I've been here, so let me do a quick hello... I'm a 30 year old gay transmasc individual. I came out to everyone between the ages of 20 and 23, and finally came out to my family when I was 26 and living on my own. They initially seemed supportive, but have since made passive aggressive comments regarding my gender identity, and then full on just reverted to ignoring it and pretending I never said anything...and due to financial setbacks, I've had to move back in with them, so, THAT'S fun... Initially, I spent a lot of time going out and surrounding myself with people who see me, but now with the pandemic and everything I've been stuck at home a lot, and I just feel trapped and deflated. I hate it, and I'm not really sure what to do. I have a tendency to put a good bit of emotional distance between myself and other people, because I have this ingrained fear of rejection that I like to pretend doesn't exist, so I don't have close friends to lean on. I really want to bring people in more, but how do people just talk about emotional things with each other? I always feel like the more I open up, the more I push people away. I'm single, so I don't have any kind of connection there, either, which is awesome... Also, it's weird with my family...I guess I just want them to respect me, and I don't believe they do. It isn't that they're terrible to me or anything - not at all - but they really have made every effort to ignore my coming out to them, and it's hurtful, and I don't know how to go about opening up that can of worms again.
Hey sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have the exact words to say, but I understand your feelings and loneliness. Keep your head up and maybe try to find some things/activities to occupy your mind. Eventually things will get better just try to stay positive and work on bettering your situation. Sending good vibes your way!
I'm really sorry that you are having such a hard time right now and feel so low. Some of the issues you mention seem to be Covid related and I wonder if the vaccination program and easing of restrictions offers any hope. We're still not in a perfect situation yet, with a return to normality, but there are signs that things are heading in a more positive direction and I wonder how that feels for you? The above quote stood out to me, because you seemed to set all of these feelings aside 7-10 years ago when you came out to people. When we take that step out of the closet we allow ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable and far from putting ourselves at a distance from others we essentially bare our soul to them. Yes, we feel the fear of rejection, but we do it anyway and YOU did that. So perhaps it's worthwhile asking yourself why you did it... why you came out and taking some time to reconnect with the part of you that wasn't so distant and fearful back then. Who were the people you came out to initially, before your family? How did they react and are you still on good terms with them? Would it be possible to reconnect with them ("the people who see me") because these are the people who you were able to be vulnerable with in the first place. When people ignore our sexuality or gender identity after we come out to them, it is hurtful and when people do hurtful things to us it make us feel terrible and it is terrible actually, so don't make excuses for your family. They don't have to become perfect allies, but it's not unreasonable to expect them to just ask how you are doing and how you are feeling from time to time. Of course, they may not be as comfortable with things as first seemed to be the case, but effort is required from all sides. What you describe as opening up a can of worms could also be described as ignoring the elephant in the room and it's hard to make connections around that. How would you feel about writing some of your thoughts/feelings down and leaving it for your family to read while you go out for the day? Maybe include some resources for them to read or some places where they can get support themselves. Have a think about some of these things and write more, if you can.
Your situation is made worse because you’ve had to go back living with your parents. Add to that Covid restrictions and lockdowns and it’s a recipe for even more loneliness. I was born female but my gender is more on the male side. I identify as non binary for ease. Nobody sees my masculine side at all. No matter how much I’ve explained it to people they think I’m just a tomboy and that’s that. So I gave up. I’m in a different situation to you though and I’m much older at 51. I am not lonely in the main, but I do understand your invisibility with your gender. I am someone who wears my heart on my sleeve and find it easy to open up and I’m an incredibly emotional person. I think if you can find someone who you trust and get close to, then opening up and showing emotions will maybe become easier for you. I tend to get isolated due to my health and I can’t socialise so I make online friends and that gives me connections. Perhaps you’d find someone online easier to open up to and connect with? At least you could talk to people in that way rather than be totally alone... like with people on here who understand. Once Covid settles down and life returns to normal, you can then work on getting your finances back to normal and then look for a place of your own again. It shouldn’t be too long off now. Stay strong! Things will improve soon!
A valid observation...at the time, I just wanted to cut through the bullshit. In retrospect, I always knew EXACTLY what was going on, but I never had the words to really put it all together. My understanding of transness was non-existant for a very long time. Once everything clicked, it was easy to start telling people - either they would stand by me and adjust, or they wouldn't and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. It's harder with the people I live with, though, not because they'd rescind the roof from over my head, but because I have to deal with them daily. I think the problem now is I'm holding on too tightly to what I have left, even though I don't love it and it's not making me particularly happy. I think that's very much COVID related - it's a difficult time to lose anything. I should give something like that another try...when things first started to get weird after I came out, I baked them a cake because I figured, who could be upset by a message if it's delivered on a cake?? Who could be upset if there's cake in general??? It won my sister over, but she's the only one who was willing to eat it and have a conversation with me. I need to find some resources to give them, I suppose, but I don't know that they'll read them. I wish we could just sit down and talk, but they have to want to sit down and talk. I've never really been able to have personal conversations with my family, and I used to think it was because I had trouble processing emotions...in recent years, I've noticed that they're just as bad, if not worse. They want to pretend things are okay when they're not, because they're afraid of hurting everyone's feelings, but that's not productive or realistic. At this point, I'm not even looking for support. I'm just looking for respect. It's exhausting being two people.
You could always draft a letter and share it on the forum. If you are struggling to find resources we might be able to point you in the right direction with that too. What do you think?
Sounds good to me. The trouble I have with resources is that I find a lot about LGB youth, a few about trans youth, and very few that aren't specifically about youth.
