Why after all these years my sexuality has now “woken up” (intense feelings)?

Hi! I understand the pressure to make your sexuality dormant. I had many friends of both genders, and in order to fit in, I had to ignore my attraction to the "wrong" sex. Also, my parents were very traditional people. Everyone faces different circumstances, so don't feel guilty. I would just say... try to reflect on your childhood, or a time when you weren't an adult, and don't suppress your ideas! Maybe this helps

 

Compulsory heteronormativity can be a big problem for all of us and it is even worse if our families are very aggressive in those beliefs. It is not all that uncommon for someone to finally realize the truth later in life. Take the time to listen to your true feelings and accept yourself.

As far as feeling bad about this here is a good TED talk
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

 

I was in a similar situation. I had "shut off" my sexuality for years, basically asexual, but then all of a sudden it came back and I had a very strong attraction to women. It did settle down after a while tho. Someone here told me that when you've been suppressing things for a long time, sometimes the attraction gets really "loud" to make you pay attention to it.

 

I closed my sexuality down for 38 years. Wasn’t pleasant at all. A lot do it. All to do with different circumstances.

It does make you feel very guilty and confused when you finally accept it.

I totally understand, as will many others here.

 

I totally agree!!!!

 

Hi Sunbird,
a lot of what you are saying makes sense to me. I really don't have any advice for you but I think we are feeling quite similar feelings and you are not alone in that. I signed up to this a long time ago but recently I am on a lot more and writing sometimes and reading what other people have and are going through and it seems to lighten the load a bit.

 

Of course. There were certain things that I didn't want to accept. There were things I did that I didn't like. Or, things I noticed or things I felt or just the kind of person I was. I liked to pretend that certain things didn't happen. I wasn't honest with myself. That went on for a long time until I started to just own every part of my life. I think I was surrounded by people that held me accountable and made it more difficult to lie and I was surrounded by more honest people. It's important to see things as they are. Or as they happen. I would suggest, try not to form any opinion at all and just be very literal about anything that happened, like an event.

Maybe this helps. Also, if religion is a problem, I'm sorry. For me, some of my family was religious and it was sad for me seeing everything I felt like I was excluded from... marriage, charity, holidays, etc. I'm only 19 but I'm the youngest cousin so this was something I grew up with. I would suggest, it's important to remember, you can still do good and not be traditional. Of course, there's many happy, lgbtq people who are also religious but I thought I would try to elaborate there.

 

Life is a series of decisions about what to do in this moment and that. They are usually based on what we know at the time, what the desired outcome is, and what the potential risks are. Shutting down one's sexuality is on the minds of everyone here because this is a forum for people who are coming out, but the same thing applies to pretty much everything in life. Like....

I could have been a concert pianist if my parents could have afforded lessons (well, if it really mattered to you, wouldn't you have gotten whatever job was necessary to fund them yourself?).
I could have been a VP in my company but they wouldn't let me take afternoons to coach Little League with my kid (so... you made a decision what was more important TO YOU, right?).
I could have been out in my teens/twenties but Heteronormative Society forced me into the closet (or...you picked a route that seemed more familiar and safer, and less potentially costly in terms of relationships and friends?).

The decision to creep into the closet as a child or teen may seem wrong now in retrospect, but at the time, it probably seemed equally sensible and correct. There is a great temptation to place blame for the decision on yourself or society or whatever, but does it change anything? My partner grew up in a nasty Southern Baptist household and hid his sexuality until he was outed, and the resulting fallout sent him back into the closet for 20 years. It was a safer route than coming out based on what he knew, although he didn't know how devastating the repercussions would be for his state of mind. Otherwise he might well have stayed out and left town, as many other children from nasty Southern Baptist families did (and sometimes still do).

The feelings that we chose to ignore 10 or 20 or 40 years ago start to resurface because something in our brains finally has room to process them. In my case, I didn't declare myself anything in my teens although I dated girls (occasionally) because I had a goal of adding to what appeared to be a big happy well-adjusted extended family, and knew some gay men but none of them seemed particularly stable or happy. When I finally found a woman who wanted what I had to offer, I was pretty close to coming out, but shut down the feelings because I felt like the payoff of a marriage was better, but I was sure I would stay with her forever. And I would have, but she had way more issues than I, and eventually my life changed in a way that gave me room in my head to re-process the old decision to come out or not, This time around, coming out seemed like the better decision, so I did - and it WAS the right decision at this new point in my life.

Don't beat yourself up too much for not seeing the signs years ago, or not acting on them sooner. You were not stupid and not wrong or bad for choosing to ignore them. Just as taking a second look at the decision now, based on what you know today, is not a bad thing. And in the end you will make another set of decisions based on what seems to be right at this new time in your life. It may scare the hell out of you - it sure did for me - but I can tell you that revisiting the past through a fresh mindset is worth it, even if you decide you're actually happiest where you currently are.

 

Unrelated but this is pretty offensive to concert pianists. It's not just about money...

 

I’m a musician. In my younger years I have played classical piano in concert .... I preferred to teach.

I’m not offended at all. There is nothing offensive about Choirboy’s comment.

 

@Suitsme I didn't realize you were a keyboardist too! I've been a church organist for 35 years and actually DID stop taking lessons, partly because of money but mainly because my brain couldn't seem to translate the notes to my fingers. But I figured out basic theory and chords and taught myself to play by ear. Unlike some of my other life decisions (LOL), that was a good one, because if I had continued with lessons I would have thrown in the towel and never touched a keyboard again, but by teaching myself, I have gotten years of joy out of it. We all find our own way.

 

That is awesome how you taught yourself. It proves how talented you are. I was fortunate to have organ lessons and then piano lessons from being aged 9 to 17. I trained on electronic and theatre organs and learned ballroom dance music initially but then switched to classical piano. I did my last exams in the 1980s. I was never happy playing in public. I’ve played the organ in a church but again I always preferred teaching.

Most of my skill on piano has gone now because I changed to modern workstation arranger keyboards. I have a Yamaha Tyros 5 but I’m going to add another keyboard to it and a pedalboard so that I can play my old organ music again. I miss it. My son took the classical piano playing to another level and surpassed me.

 

Good for you. I just don't think it was the best example.

 

Are you a concert pianist?

 

I'm not trying to start an argument. No. I'm not a concert pianist. I had piano lessons for seven years. I have met a few concert pianists and my grandma played piano and organ. My thought process was... lessons and concert pianist... the two are not that closely tied. I don't know how to explain myself. I will drop it.