Hi, For years I have been kidding myself that I am straight. I'm not. I'm gay. I knew something was up when I was young (11-12) and I just denied it and buried it. My parents and siblings weren't aggressively homophobic but it was considered disgusting or a joke. The same with peers. It felt like no future at all. It felt like a life of being hated and alone. I decided that wasn't going to be me. I guess when I was that age I thought the reason I was feeling that way was because of choices I had made and I could unmake them. I properly committed to ignoring feelings and trying to illicit ones that were not there. I think I tried to, I did, carry out gay conversion therapy on myself. Anyway since I was 25 I have been going to therapy and talking about it and when I was 30 (7 years ago) I first told someone in my life. Since then I have fallen into periods where I convince myself I'm not gay but just before covid I moved up to a city and said I'm going to explore and join groups and not let this rule my life anymore. Anyway, I don't think there is much point to this. I'm just tired and alone and in pain. I don't know how to feel better about this. I have tried and I do try and will keep trying. I keep reading the first real step is self acceptance. When I start down that road I feel so much shame and anger and pain that I can't really engage with how I feel about men. And when I think about talking to a friend or family member my mind tends to "fuck them, they were part of the problem. Where were any of them when I needed them?". So I'm a very early stage and not doing so well so any advice or support would be great. Now for a thread title. Hmmmmmm.
Conversion "therapy" does not work, not even if professionals get involved, I know because I tried it. You cannot make someone gay or straight, people are who they are. The conversion "therapy" just gives you PTSD and leaves you as a self hating person rather than "fixing" you (you cannot fix what is not broken and there is nothing wrong with being homosexual). That was a good move. I also moved someplace new and started making connections right at the beginning of the virus. Sadly as far as this the only thing that we can do it wait it out and then start making connections again. It really is the first step. If you cannot make any progress on your own trying to accept then maybe you should try therapy. It can really help if you are willing to do the work. A good first step is realizing which people in your life are not helpful. A great second step is to become less involved with those people. Family is more difficult but with friends if they are not good for you then just find a better caliber of friends. (yes, covid is going to interfere but it cannot last forever)
I was being slightly flippant. I'm saying the approach I had at a fairly young age might as well have been conversion therapy. I think I maybe did do some lasting damage. I have been to therapy and I currently go to group therapy but maybe I need to go to a therapist who is LGBTQ friendly and has expertise in this sort of thing and talk specifically about this. I think some people in my life as far as family and friends would be fairly supportive. Some probably not. When I am trying to accept this and it gets painful old memories and attitudes of friends and family comes up, especially when support is what I need. I feel resentment and anger.
Hi @carruthers - This is not an easy path, to discover and define yourself as you truly are, rather than as you believe others expect you to be. Maybe it would be simpler if the possibilities were just one or the other, gay or straight. If you look inward, with no pressure and no expectations, where do you see yourself on the gay-to-straight spectrum? BTW, it can change over time, and that's OK.
I share / understand your frustration Therapy is great but having been to about 5 therapists the last 20 years .. at some point, if you are not making progress, you may just need to ‘strike out’, dare I say, by taking risks and moving out of your comfort zone (Made 10 times more difficult by covid restrictions of course) there is nothing more positive, and empowering, than having LGBT social circles and friends and a LGBT support network. Do you have one already? I personally think therapy can work for some but with others it can just prolong the “holding pattern” in your life the need for therapy may dissolve away if you can crack a single meaningful real life encounter with another LGBT person Prepare for it not to work.. and some messy situations - but what’s to lose? the early internalised homophobia in your earlier life may haunt you and I suggest keeping up the therapy. But maybe challenge your therapist to make things go up a level and work together on some more goal oriented work
Hi SevnButton, I'm sure now that I am not straight. But I really don't know where I am on the spectrum. I sort of think that I may be bi but if I don't accept and the follow the part of me that is in to men I'll never really know either way. That could be complete nonsense but I do like women and I have been with some and have enjoyed it but the majority of the time it has been anxiety inducing and not that enjoyable. there was always an underlying pressure that if it didn't go well it meant I was gay and that was always in the back of my mind. Does that make any sense at all? It could of course be that I am just gay and when I properly experience that in a healthy was that I'll know.
Hi bingostring. Not at the moment. The covid thing has really put pay to that at the moment. I hope when this country begins to open up I can get involved in some groups and make some friends. I did go to a support group which I am going to go back to when they can in person. When you say goal oriented work, for example what do you mean. I'm currently in a group and I'm starting to think that might not be what I need right now.
I guess I mean your therapist working with you to list out some goals and working with you to take steps towards reaching that goal... to move you forward even if your parents weren’t very homophobic, you will have absorbed negative signals from a variety of places (TV, media, school, friends) and it needs pushing back Like, your therapist may set you some tasks to do between sessions to challenge you to take steps towards a target. it could mean ‘outing yourself’ on purpose to a particular person. To challenge your internalised homophobia. going to a gay themed event, or as simple as wearing a rainbow button in public It might also be to do with something more day to day a change of job, a change of home or some very ... (i) to research (ii) to explore options (iii) to make a decision. To kill the stagnation. It could be to do with widening social circles, joining groups and meeting new people, albeit covid has almost killed that off at the moment but you get what I mean.
