Sexuality and Being Submissive

With sexual fantasies, is it the act of sex that is a turn on or the person or persons in the fantasies.


Like the guy being submissive to another guy with his wife present. Can this guy still be considered straight because he has no attraction to the guy he is being submissive to?

 

ummm- just want to point out that so far all of the people in this discussion are male. Do men always think of relationships and sex in terms of dominance and submission? Cuz that seems really weird to me.

While I've never dated, I've also never thought that dating a man meant that I was the submissive partner or that he was the dominant partner. And sex with a man doesn't mean the women is in a "submissive" role and the man is automatically in a "dominant" role, just because he has a penis, and is penetrating the woman.

I've always thought that relationships are about give and take, for both partners. And that goes for sex within a relationship too.

I've heard sex educators refer to the "receiving partner" when talking about penetrative sex. I can't remember the term they used for the person doing penetration tho. These might be better terms than dominant and submissive. Dominant and submissive just sounds very sexist and kinda creepy, unless you're talking about BDSM.

@BiBoyToy if you're interested in being "submissive" or in being the recieving partner, I think that's something you can explore with a partner of any gender, including women.

Anyways, I'm not an expert on any of this stuff- just my 2 cents.

 

What makes you think gay men are more likely to be submissive?

 

Can a fetish exist in fantasies alone and can non-sexual trauma bring on sexual fetishes?


I have no memory of any kind of sexual contact with another male. Just seen them nude a few times. I played around with girls and they were the ones instigating it and as a little kid I just went along. But my fantasies involve things we never did.


Outside of that any trauma would be non-sexual. My family was very dysfunctional and there was psychologically and physical bullying between everyone.


I feel like in my fantasies that it is the sexual act and pleasure that turns me on and not the people in my fantasies. Its not who the person is but what they are doing.


The thing is I have had dozens of crushes on women through out my life. That feeling of falling in love.
In person I have only be aroused sexually and emotionally around certain women who just have something special about them.
That feeling of not just wanting to hang out with her but be with her.
All of the typical feelings of crushing and falling in love. There have always been massively stronger than anything I have felt towards a male.


My male friends have always just seemed like regular friends. Never felt sexual aroused around them. No desire to kiss or hug them.


Dozens of times I would check to see if I could get any feelings, sexual or emotional towards any of the guys I was hanging out with. Still nothing. Like I was reaching for something that was not there. No guy has ever excited me the way dozens of women have, no matter how hard I tried.

Because of this I just wrote off the fantasies as just a fetish of some kind.

Particularly when I was younger I was very shy, quiet and passive. I think because of this people wanted to see me as more gay than I really am, and to the point where They were convincing myself.

Then I keep going back to seeing if I can feel anything in the presence of another guy and nothing. Even with guys that all the girls thought were very attractive and hot. I try to tell myself that I am bi or gay but still no feelings.

Its hard for me to see myself as bi or gay if I can’t bring up any of the same feeling that I get with women.

 

@rdspencer

I'll try and answer this. We are capable of shutting off attractions to an individual person because we feel, inside, that we need to. A good example would be avoiding thinking about sex with a sibling who we might find otherwise attractive. Or, in my case, my best friend. I never saw him as a sexual playmate even though I did recognize how attractive he was and I did love him dearly. Just not romantically.

Extrapolating this to the broader view of random people we meet...Maybe you are still feeling that your same sex attractions are wrong. So, you can compartmentalize it to just the sexual act. There is safety in that. You may be protecting your "heterosexuality?"

This doesn't mean that a straight guy cannot have a fetish where he engages in sex with a man. But, be careful that you really know where you are coming from before you decide that is just what you have.

 

@Nickw @Chip


I’m not usually the most emotional person but I can follow pretty well when I am feeling more or less emotional. I definitely feel much more emotionally centered today than in the past.

It seems that I have done well dealing with the stress of my childhood, at least compared to my siblings. I am fairly relaxed and less stressed out than they are. Some of them are pretty high strung. Lately I am discovering that I am much more ready to discuss the stressful things that have happened in our childhoods and even current events around the world than they are.


As for capacity to experience and process attraction and arousal being impacted, it would have to be completely one sided. With women there has never been any issues. All my feeling were there and felt right.


My gut feeling seems to be what is steering me towards women. Thats were my emotions and excitement get going when Just the right girl comes along. My dreams have always alined with this as well. I have had countless sexual and romantic dreams of women where my emotions were even stronger than in life. I can only remember two dreams where a guy was involved and they seemed awkward with none of the positive feeling. I didn’t think much of those dreams because they seemed to be telling me that I am not into guys.


What I do know for sure is that I have plenty of genuine desire and interest in women.

But is there also desire for men?

It just seems like by now there would have been some guy who got things fired up for me, some kind of feeling or desire coming up, in life or in my dreams. But nothing. Not even when I try to force it.

I think I have been a fairly open minded person throughout my life. I didn’t act all homophobic or any of that either. I was only concerned about coming off too feminine when I was younger.


It also doesn’t sit well with me to even say I am bi. Without those feelings it seems fraudulent to say so.

 

@Nickw @Chip


Never mind my previous posts.

I am pretty sure the fetish theory does not apply to me.


I keep wanting to check all other possibilities. Something I need to reckon with I guess.