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Regret coming out to my partner and feel like back tracking

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Yan, Apr 13, 2021.

  1. Yan

    Yan
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    Hello, I'm new here.
    Over the weekend I came out and told my long term partner (we have a child) that I am gay. She took it better than expected but it also broke her heart. I'm now beginning to regret saying anything, I'm so scared of destroying my family and it breaks my heart to think I may not live with my child.
    I have had feelings that I have been repressing things within my life for so long and finally built up the courage to say something. I was in tears when telling her. but at the time I felt I had to tell her. Now I am in complete denial and regret about what I have said.
    I feel so ashamed and guilty about what I have done and even worse now my confidence in the decision has diminished.
    All I can think is shut up and make this work for your child.
    I have mental health issues and hardly know who I am, and have felt like this forever.
    Has anyone else experienced such a reaction to coming out with confidence and then thinking WTF have I done?
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    Welcome to EC.

    I am sorry that you are having such trouble with this. In the end only you and your partner together can decide what the two of you will do for the future. I do have a few things that I think that you should consider though.

    A child is going to be better off with two happy parents who live apart and work together to raise them than they would be with a couple who stay together "for the good of the child" and are living a lie and unhappy.

    Your partner also deserves to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a complete relationship. Are you going to continue to be sexual with a woman despite only being attracted to men? Or is she going to have to live an asexual life despite not being asexual?

    What did you do? You were honest and relationships need honesty even if the honesty means that the relationship should be over.
     
  3. I'm gay

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    Hi Yan, and welcome to EC!

    Your feelings of regret right after coming out are completely normal. I think pretty much everyone who has come out to a spouse with kids has that morning-after regret. I did too.

    That was 5 years ago for me, and despite all my fears, it did not destroy my family. It changed my family. It changed me.

    There is still a long journey ahead of you, and there will be many ups and downs. All you really can do is take this one step at a time. The people in your life will need time to adjust, and come to terms with your news, just as you've taken a long time to accept it yourself. Above all, you should continue to remind yourself that the right things to do are often hard, and your courage in doing them despite your fears is simply amazing.

    Congratulations on your first big step out of the closet.
     
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  4. resu

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    I think your partner is grieving the loss of identity (both yours and as a couple), and while it hurts, it would be harmful to you and the whole family if you kept things bottled up. I suggest talking with a counselor experienced in LGBT+ issues on your own and/or with your partner (marriage counselor) because you don't have to figure this out by yourself. If you browse past threads in this subforum, you will see many stories like yours.

    Also, kids can adapt faster than adults. I remember way back in the early 2000s a high school friend who had divorced parents where the father was gay, and it was a revelation to me but normal to her. Probably it was painful at first, so this all takes time to process and heal.
     
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  5. Yan

    Yan
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    Thanks for your replies, I definitely think I need to call my local lgbt services to see if there is someone I can speak to and would also agree to partake in some kind of counselling with my partner regarding this bombshell. I told her I had regrets ‘coming out’ to her. But as is said, such a if life changing disclosure is going to met with denial, especially if that denial has already existed in my head forever.
    I can’t get any quality sleep, I lay awake thinking about who I am, as that is something I have never known. I’m in my late 40s and this seems a frightening thing to do. But after a lifetime of depression and other mental health issues and breakdowns, there is part of me that knows that coming out and living as who I am meant to be is surely going to help. Despite the initial turmoil it is definitely causing.
    My partner has always known that I struggle with intimacy and spend the majority of my sex life apologising for being a failure. It’s about 4 months since we have been close to each other. And I know that when I thinking about having intimacy or a sexual encounter it is always a fantasy about the same sex, truthfully I have had those thoughts for a very long time but just pushed them away or just used them for my ‘own pleasure’ and them moved back into my regular life. But as time passes these thoughts are to the fore, so much so, that I came out as gay to my partner as I felt I couldn’t deny my thoughts and feelings anymore.
    Sorry for such a long ramble.
     
  6. I'm gay

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    I too came out in my late 40s (I was 47), and I also slept very little surrounding the time of my coming out. I also had little appetite and lost weight too. When things settle down (at some point they will) you'll regain more normal sleep patterns. The more gentle you are on yourself and your family while you are going through all of this, the easier it will be for all of you.

    I'm sure you've heard of the stages of loss - they are frequently cited here. Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Grief - Acceptance. These stages of loss (in this case, the loss of your straight identity, the loss of being a couple with your wife, etc.) are common to the acceptance of sexuality. They apply to you, your wife, family, maybe even friends, if they perceive this as a loss. Not everyone goes through some stages, and the stages aren't necessarily in that order. The length of time someone can be in any stage can vary from minutes to years. Be prepared for your family to go through anger stages. It doesn't mean they will stay in that stage forever, so be patient.

    This here is the very definition of denial. The fact that you can so clearly see it now is because you are no longer in denial.
     
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  7. Yan

    Yan
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    Hello, thanks for this reply it's really helpful, though the pain of it all is still here. I keep going through being confident in the choice I have made and then abject panic thinking 'WTF are you doing?'.

    I had definitely noticed things regarding any intimate thoughts always being about the same sex and never about the opposite, and my utter denial of how this was even the case.
    I just kept on living with as the split person that I was, my mental health has been terrible since I was young, I am a survivor of CSA, and only in recent years started to deal with that. And now I have this realisation of being gay, and how I could not even countenance the idea that my sexual preference was the same as the person that abused me. It is a total headf*ck, but i kind of makes sense, that I could never accept or even think about the possibility that I was gay.

    The idea of having to leave my family breaks my heart, but if I had carried on as I had been going I would possibly acted out on the suicidal ideation that was becoming more prevalent in my head.

    It's not even a week since I came out, hoping that time is the healer it claims to be.
     
  8. I'm gay

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    I would like to suggest to you that you begin changing your mindset about the breakup of your family. Some of this is guilt, I'm sure, but it's not healthy for you to perceive this as you destroying your family. I felt that way too.

    You are not destroying your family. Your family will change. It's too soon to know what your post-coming out family will look like, but you will all survive it, and perhaps a happier dad will ultimately change your family for the better.
     
  9. Yan

    Yan
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    Thanks for this, it’s definitely an area of thought I need to work on. Having a negative mindset and lack of belief in my self is how I’ve seemed to feel all of my life.
    Destroying is too harsh of a word, though the guilt and shame make it feel that way.
    Currently things are all over the place, I’m still in the acceptance/denial stage. I can be sure as hell that I’m gay, then within minutes my mind is trying to hide all traces of these thoughts and feelings.
    Repression of yourself ends up twisting your mental state into some seriously dark places.
    But it’s early days and as much as I can I am working on it.
     
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  10. GeoTrekker

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    Three years ago, shaking and in tears, I came out to my wife as gay. The look of complete shock and utter sadness on her face broke me and I quickly recanted and said I was bisexual. I regret how I handled that and wish I'd been stronger in the moment, but I, too, had so much guilt and shame about destroying our family. I'm still working to get where you are.

    What you did took a lot of courage. It's obvious that you love your wife and family very much. You need to show yourself that same love. Stay strong.
     
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  11. Peterpangirl

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    Yan. Be patient with yourself. Your feelings are very understandable. It takes a lot of time to recallibrate after coming out to yourself and/or a partner and these very difficult feelings will likely ebb and flow. It is clear from your post that you love your child very much and you will be there for them. Being gay certainly does not stop you from being a loving father to your child going forward. I agree with previous posters that you and your partner may benefit from counselling, both separately and together perhaps? Perhaps you could ask yourself what you would say to a friend going through the same thing as you? Sending kind and supportive thoughts to you and you loved ones, as I too have lived coming out after children.
     
    #11 Peterpangirl, Apr 27, 2021
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2021
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