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Having a bad day, just feeling a bit down

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by skloorrpt, Apr 4, 2021.

  1. skloorrpt

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    Sometimes I have days where I really just don't know what to do with myself. Usually I end up sitting around doing nothing and feeling really down in the dumps. I tend to feel incredibly bored, I suppose it could just be depression. I'm surprised by how bad it can be sometimes. Occasionally it's almost like a physical feeling. I've heard people describe it as feeling empty, maybe that's what that is. Days like today I just don't want to do anything except for sleep and eat. So I guess for a lack of anything better to do I'll write something up here.

    I don't have a lot of hobbies. I usually just end up playing a lot of videogames, I have also been taking guitar lessons and sometimes I'll practice that, but probably not as much as I should. Those are basically the only things that I do. Days like these neither of the things I'd usually do for "fun" or just to occupy myself don't even seem interesting. I usually feel like this on my days off even though I tend to look forward to them. I don't particularly enjoy my job, but I feel like it occupies me. I'd still like to find a job I enjoy though.

    I think part of the way I feel is due to the fact that I don't seem prepared for life. I'm still very dependent on my parents. I don't feel responsible or intelligent enough to be an adult living out on my own yet. I have a degree, but I don't even know if I really want a job in that field now that I've graduated. My mom is really pushing me to apply for jobs. I know she's trying to help and I feel guilty for it, but every time she brings it up I get annoyed and it just puts me in a bad mood not entirely unlike how I feel today. I feel like a total failure to launch. In a lot of ways I feel like a young teenager in a 23 year old's body.

    Maybe a little unrelated, but if you've ready my other posts you probably know about my friend as he's mentioned a lot in them. I talked to him a couple nights ago and told him we needed to talk about us. I waited until the absolute last second as we were saying goodbye to mention it. It just takes me time to build up the courage to talk about it at all. So hopefully next time we talk he'll bring it up because I find it uncomfortable. I don't want him to worry that it's something bad because I kind of left it at a cliffhanger. I just want to talk about the possibility of us as a couple and concerns I have because of where I am right now. Today though, I'm feeling bad and I considered calling him about everything I've mentioned just to get it out of my head. I don't know if he's busy or not and I don't really want to annoy him. It's also super against my nature to talk about this stuff openly, and I don't really want it to be his problem. If/when we do talk next time it's probably something I should bring up though.

    I should probably go see a therapist or counsellor or someone to get some help, but I'm sort of resistant to that kind of thing. Like I said talking about how I feel with other people I something that makes me feel very uncomfortable. Even doing it here anonymously is hard and sometimes I even worry someone I know could see it and figure out its me. I kind of feel like I'm going insane sometimes.
     
  2. out4now

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    Hi there,


    I’m sorry this is happening to you. Reading your post, I would like to encourage you to seek support for your depression.


    Whether it be counseling or support groups, it could help you get to a point where you are more comfortable opening yourself up to others. You could also try some meditation techniques to start with. Baby steps really, a day at a time.


    Something positive you mentioned is that you have taken up guitar lessons, which if I understand correctly you still do from time to time. It sounds like you are really trying to find your footing. I know it may seem trivial and a minor detail compared to what you are going through, but even trying is a huge step in the right direction. You are stronger than you think.


    Easier said than done of course, but at 23 your are still so young and at an age where most people are also trying to find themselves. It also happens to a lot of older people, in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s etc. Give yourself a break.


    I’m not familiar with the situation between you and your friend, but if it’s someone you are confident you can trust, maybe talking to him might help.


    I know this is not much but I hope this will help a little.


    Take care of yourself and all the best.
     
    BlueLion likes this.
  3. skloorrpt

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    Thank you. I think I do need to get help in some form. I've had a few meetings with a couple different therapists/counselors. but I never kept them up because they always felt a little awkward and I don't really feel comfortable talking about a lot of this anyway. My mom has suggested that I see someone about this and I agree, but I don't really want her to know the real reasons I want to find some kind of help.

    I don't really feel like I'm trying to find my footing. Most of my free time is wasted, spent sitting around playing videogames. I should be looking for a job with my degree or figuring out what I actually want to do with my life. I am still taking guitar lessons, but I get the feeling that I'll never be as good as I want to. I also don't think it's really something I could do for a living, it's probably more just a hobby. I know 23 isn't too old, but I feel behind a lot of my friends and most people my age when it comes to a general plan for where my life is going. I really don't even have one, I feel like I'm just doing the same thing every day and that will probably continue for the foreseeable future.

    The funny thing about my friend is that he's a big part of the reason I started seriously questioning my sexual orientation. Before he came out my sexuality was ambiguous at best. Around a year ago we were hanging out and he asked if I wanted to cuddle. I was a bit reluctant at first, but I eventually accepted. The cuddling continued every time we've gotten the chance and it's progressed into a lot more than just cuddling since. He mentioned once that he thinks we would make a good couple and that's what I wanted to talk about. It's an awkward topic and I struggle to bring it up even thought him and I have gone pretty much as far as you can when it comes to fooling around. I like the idea of us as a couple, but I'm still not 100% sure about my own orientation. It does seem like I'm probably not straight though. I also worry that I've got too many problems of my own to be in a relationship. Not to mention I've never actually been in one before, so I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to that sort of thing. I just feel like these are some things he should know if we are going to try anything. So there's a quick backstory to what I want to bring up with my friend since I didn't go over it in the original post.

    Thanks for taking the time to read my post and respond to it!
     
  4. johndeere3020

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    Hey OP, I know that the Midwest part of the US can be a little overwhelming at times, esp if your not near a larger city. You should not be be trying to put a label on yourself. Sexuality is/can be a fluid thing. Find a therapist to help you sort things out. Don't be afraid to talk to them. They are bound to keep what you tell them in confidence except in certain cases. Is there any LGBT center or groups near you? Being around members of your tribe helps. Do you have a primary doctor? Can they help with meds? It sounds like you are stuck, one sometimes can't get unstuck by themselves, a little help is needed. Don't be afraid to ask. Things will fall into place, life, employment, relationships, ect. The hardest part is to stop beating yourself up. There are resources when you are ready to forge ahead. Advisors that can guide, maybe even help locate a therapist @Chip . People here to talk to and relate with. Don't keep things bottled up. From age 14 to 46 I lied to myself, it only resulted in more hate and depression. One evening, actually in the middle of the night I found EC, things began to change for the better. You have already taken the first steps, be bold don't stop!

    Dean
     
  5. old tacoma

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    @skloorrpt
    With the additional information you have written here about you and your friend, I will repeat what I written to you before.... Talk with your friend. Tell him exactly how you feel about him, about yourself, about what the two of you have done, about how you see yourself in a relationship with him, your hesitations, your fears, your excitements. Be sure to include your concern about losing him as a friend if the “couple” relationship doesn’t work out. From your description of him, he sounds like a genuine friend who already loves you. Accept his love for you, and love him in return. If you do this for yourself, for him, I have a hunch that the other aspects of your life will begin to sort out for you.
    I’m old enough and mature enough to know that it is a never good idea to compare myself with others, to compare my journey with your journey, but I will tell you this.... Here I am, well established and secure, healthy and comfortably retired. If I had a magical machine to turn back time, in your situation, I would take the plunge without any doubt whatsoever. How I envy you the opportunity you have in front of you!
     
  6. skloorrpt

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    Thanks for the reply, I see we're from the same state.
    I know I don't need to find a label I just wish I could stop doubting myself and say with confidence if I'm gay or bi, or maybe even straight. Straight doesn't seem super likely anymore, but I still worry sometimes.
    Since I'm not very confident in myself I don't really feel comfortable going out to LGBT centers/groups. It's not something I want other people to know until I feel like I know for sure myself. I guess that's why I don't want to see a therapist or doctor about this. I suppose I just need to work up the courage or motivation, so hopefully I can do that eventually.
     
  7. skloorrpt

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    Thanks! Hopefully I'll get the chance to talk to him this weekend. It's an uncomfortable topic for me and I'm not used to discussing topics like this. I guess I just have to work up the courage to actually say everything I want to.
     
  8. old tacoma

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    @skloorrpt
    Just a bit of encouragement from the old guy here...
    I was working out at the gym yesterday, and I happened to notice two guys alternating their routines on the equipment. I have never seen them before. Nothing they did was very different from what any of the other guys working out together were doing. But I began to see little things between these two guys that suggested to me they are gay, and more than just friends. Discreet, yet affectionate. A hand placed on a shoulder, a glance with a smile in return. Sharing something fun from their phones. Everyone in the gym was wearing a face mask as required, yet the connection between these two guys came through. I actually got a really good feeling inside, and I felt very happy for them both.
    I mentioned it to my friend this morning as we were walking. He suggested maybe the two guys at the gym were on a sort of date. I said no, they clearly know each other well. They had their workout routine planned. They’ve done it probably many times before. And I turned to my friend as we continued walking and said, “Like I have told you before, I wish I had met you back when we were both at the university. We would have made a great team. Like those two young guys I saw at the gym.”
    @skloorrpt
    It doesn’t take a lot of courage, just enough...
    You can do this!
     
  9. Minnie03

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    This might be a bit late, but parts of your experience sound quite similar to mine. I've had troubles with depression for almost as long as I can remember now, and if you're able to find some kind of help or anyone to talk to then I think you should. I put it off for years and years hoping I could get better on my own but it never really happened, even if I thought at times I was a little better, only to get worse again eventually.

    I think it's still fairly normal to feel unprepared for life at 23 or even later. I eventually realised that most people are more or less making things up as they go along, or at least trying to find their way through the complexities of adult life, as no one really knows what to do until they try, I guess. I would try not to worry about that side of things too much. You can figure things out at your own pace if you want to. Just see how it goes.

    With your friend, I would definitely try and talk to them if it's not too late. You can never know how it will go or if it will lead to anything, but at least you'll have been open and honest with yourself and won't need to spend time wondering what might have been later. I hope it goes well for you.
     
  10. skloorrpt

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    Thanks for replying. Hopefully I'm able to talk with him about it some time tomorrow night. I've tried to bring stuff like this up in the past and it's always a little awkward. I don't really know what to say, it always feels super awkward and it takes me a while to work up the courage to bring it up even when I want to.