A lot of guys I know seem to be very insecure. These days most of these guys I know are middle aged co-workers, but this is something I have noticed since I was a teenager. I don’t know if it’s my imagination but I feel like I bring out the insecurity in other males. I keep thinking it's because they see that I am not straight and they get nervous and uncomfortable around me, as if they aren’t confident in who they are and their own sexuality. Only a small handful of guys don’t come off this way. I think this is a big part of why I don’t think much of other guys over all and mostly avoid them. As for the guys who don’t act this way, they seem to be much more confident and secure with who they are compared to the rest and I get along with them much better and some guys do come around after a while. Some women come off this way as well but most don’t. I have a hard time connecting with people with this strange tension and it's probably major factor in why I connect with women better than men. I keep telling myself that it's just my imagination but I go back to thinking I really am picking on their insecurity and uneasiness?
I literally have nothing to support my opinions below. I think the more outwardly masculine someone is, the more insecure they are. And areas that more conservative culturally, will have more insecure men. Culture places a huge expectation on men to be and act a certain way, and if they don't, they are weak, insignificant, and not worthy. It's sad, really.
Oddly my experience seems to almost been the opposite. When I was younger I would switch hanging around between different groups of friends. One of the groups was a very liberal crowd in Seattle (a fairly liberal city). Some of the people I hung out with were lgbt but I didn’t hang out with lgbt crowds specifically. A lot of them didn’t like me much at all. It became obvious I didn’t fit in. Don’t know why, but remarks were made about me being too quiet, not smoking pot and not being artistic. There was probably other reasons but I have no idea what they were. Back then I was introverted, shy quiet and easy going. Never been trendy or had any artistic talent of any kind. I was good at mechanical work and fixing things and liked to spend a lot time out in the woods. I actually got along better with the more rural hick crowds and in a lot of ways and still do (not the stereotypical far right wingers). But to add another twist to it I also seem to connect a bit better with people who have immigrated to the US from other countries compared to most of my co-workers. Masculinity doesn’t seem to play much of a roll either. At least not natural masculinity. A lot of the liberal guys I knew then were very insecure about not being stereotypically masculine and acted like A-holes to compensate for it, while guys who were just naturally stereotypically masculine but cool seemed much more comfortable with themselves and were easier to get along with. But really any guy who is comfortable with themselves irregardless of masculinity, status, success and political leaning is just easier to get along with.
There is an unspoken element that pervades feelings of intimacy with men. When not evoked, I find they are very welcoming and friendly. But for one reason or another, most straight men find other men to be physically threatening on some level. In their minds, either a man is determined to be safe, and on your side, or he is potentially dangerous. When other men get too close, this messes with their mental friend vs. foe meter, which is triggered by feeling of vulnerability. This mentality goes deep. It may be partly societal. Some certain sects of modern feminist rhetoric have made a point of vilifying men's sexual desires and presence, as if it was a weapon or something to be feared. Toxic masculinity and all that. Men as potential predators. Not that I'm saying feminism is a bad thing, but certain negative parts of the movement have contributed to a growing fear and distrust of men. It not only affects the way women see men, but how men see themselves. Often, the mere idea of intimacy between men makes them feel uncomfortable, because it puts them in too much of a vulnerable position, and they've been subconsciously trained never to let their guard down completely around men, because on some level, men seem threatening in a way most women don't. So letting themselves become vulnerable in the presence of other men feels instinctually dangerous to them. This partially explains the negative reactions of many straight men when they learn that a man is gay. Even if said gay person isn't actually attracted to them, the mere possibility, when coming from another man, makes them feel vulnerable and uneasy. Many men don't know how to deal with this. But generally, time and exposure makes them ease up a lot. The more familiar and less strange and other a person is, the less that instinctual feeling will be triggered. Honestly, it is very similar to the kind of deep set biases and imprinting (often during childhood) that causes people to react in overtly racist ways. In that case as well, exposure and familiarity is usually the cure. I hope this provides a helpful viewpoint.
Other women are not what taught me to see men as threats. It was men not respecting me and allowing me to choose not to have sex with them, getting violent when I asked to be left alone.
That's fair. I suppose I haven't been exposed towards men like that in a sexual situation, but it seems to be a far too common experience. Those kind of men make me ashamed to call myself a man sometimes.
A lot of straight guys I know are super competitive, and I feel lucky to be gay. The different guys I have met conform more than I see women conform, and I have many friends who are girls. They are more accepting. Men are more "don't make me look bad." You must be doing something right. Men have no reason to make you support their insecurities. I think it goes back to society. Books, music, movies, TV. Men are told to act a certain way, and when they see someone who doesn't, ...
